


What If?

by Boo2012



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-04-10 11:31:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 46,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4390169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boo2012/pseuds/Boo2012
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Janeway had married Mark? What if she started falling for someone else? What if they got home and Mark wanted to give their marriage a second chance?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

She'd never had to lay out a table for dinner before, Mark had always been the one to do that - along with the cooking. But here she was, without him, setting a table for her first dinner with her Commander. Kathryn Janeway had asked Chakotay yesterday if he would like to come to her quarters to eat, she didn't know what she was thinking, she had made a vow not to get too close to her crew. But technically, he wasn't really a part of her crew, even if she had made him First Officer, just over a week ago. He would be here soon, she had gone over things again and again, changed everything more then once - should there be candles, should she wear her uniform, hair up or down?? She settled on no candles, but had the lights dimmed slightly, and thought it best to wear her uniform with her hair up in standard bun. Everything was set, why did she feel nervous? She thought about when he came aboard Voyager, in his Marquis uniform, how he had started taunting Tom Paris, she'd stepped closer to him, breathing him in, and something inside her stirred. She glanced at her bookcase, at her wedding photo. Her and Mark were so happy then, she couldn't believe that was almost 3 months ago, and now she'd never see him again. 

Chakotay stood outside, his finger hovering over the door chime. He wasn't sure why the Captain had asked him to dinner, they talked about ship stuff either on the bridge or in her Ready Room, and he hadn't seen her socialise with any of the other crew. Taking a deep breath he pressed it.  
"Come in."  
The doors slide open and he stepped in. Kathryn was stood by the table, he was glad now that he'd decided to wear his uniform as well. "Captain."  
She smiled, "Chakotay, please, I've told, call me Kathryn." She motioned for him to sit down, which he dutifully did. "Now, you're a vegetarian?"  
"Yes." He answered, he'd told her yesterday when she'd asked him to dinner. She moved away from the table, to her replicator. Chakotay fidgeted in his chair, as he looked around. Her quarters were not so different to his, in size and furniture. The first thing he noticed was her bookcase, it was positioned in front of him, beside the door to her bedroom. It was mostly filled with books, of course, with trinkets and photos. One photo caught his eye, it was a full length picture of her in a wedding dress, he didn't even though she was married, but then why would he, he didn't know her. He study the picture, hearing her curse her replicator behind him, she was breathtaking. She had on a simple white dress that came down to the floor, her hair was long, down to waist and she was smiling like he had not seen before. The man beside her looked older then her, he had an arm wrapped around her waist, holding her tightly. Both of them looked so happy, something twanged inside him, was he jealous?

Kathryn stood in front of Chakotay, holding a tray of lasagna. "Chakotay?" She said, for the third time.  
When he jumped she had to smile, "Captain? Kathryn? Sorry, I didn't hear you."  
As she placed the tray on the table she looked over to where he'd been staring, but decided not to say anything unless he did. Which he did.  
"I didn't know you're married." He commented as he opened the bottle of wine which had been sat on the table.  
Slipping into her chair, Kathryn suddenly felt panicked, she didn't want to talk about her marriage, not really, not to him, after all, she was never going to see her husband again. "Yes, almost a year now." There, she didn't feel the need to elaborate anymore then that.  
Chakotay poured her a glass, then filled his. "You don't wear a ring."  
He made it sound almost as if it were nothing, making her feel more uncomfortable. "Starfleet don't really allow jewellery as part of their uniform. I keep it on a necklace, in my bedroom." She dished up their food, wishing this conversation would end, she said. "I made vegetable lasagna, I hope you like it."  
He smiled, "I'm sure it's just fine, thank you."  
Kathryn laughed a little. "You've never tried my cooking, or replicating." She was grinning as he took a mouthful. She watched as he chewed, slowly nodding his head. "Is it ok?"  
Chakotay swallowed, still nodding. "It's very nice, thank you." He took a sip of his drink. "Is there and reason you asked me to dinner, Cap- Kathryn?"  
What was her reason for inviting him to dinner? Lonely? Missed her husband and needed male company? That stirring feeling she had? The crews? What? "I... It was... I thought it'd be easier for the crews to bond, if their captain and commander are." Though that was one reason, she knew deep down it wasn't the first reason.  
He smiled at her, the first time he'd smiled at her, a real smile, she noticed he had dimples. He seem to get more handsome every time she saw him. When she walked out onto the bridge and he was sat in his chair beside hers, she couldn't help but eye him up. She felt guilty, she was a married woman - even if she was half way across the galaxy. Smiling back at him, Kathryn watched Chakotay eat, this was her life now, here in the Delta Quadrant. With this man at her side.


	2. Chapter 2

16 Months Later...

Kathryn shifted in her bed, it had been 16 months since the Caretaker had dragged them into the Delta Quadrant, she couldn't remember having a decent night sleep. But now everything had changed again, 20 days ago her and Commander Chakotay had said goodbye to Voyager, to their new family. It was heartbreaking, first being ripped away from her husband, never to see him again, now never to see her friends again. After contracting an illness from a planet, one they now called New Earth, the Doctor had been unsuccessful in finding a cure, leaving them no choice but to settle on the planet. Kathryn of course had continued to explore to find a cure with the help of the equipment left behind with them, she wasn't about to give up. She rolled to face the frosty room separator, he was on the other side in the main room, she wasn't sure if he went to bed late, or she early, but it seemed she was always the one to turn in first. She suspected it was the latter, to avoid the growing tension between them. Things hadn't been easy when he joined her crew, but they had grown closer, now she'd spend the rest of her life with just him. As she drifted off to sleep she thought about what that life would be like.

The sun shone brightly, Chakotay was making breakfast whilst Kathryn checked her insect traps. He had insisted on cooking since they made New Earth their home - since he started making it their home. Though he had not given up on returning to the Alpha Quadrant, he had accepted this was their home now, and was doing all he could to make things more comfortable for them both. One thing he wished he could do was build a bigger shelter, the Starfleet one they had was just big enough for both of them, the main room had two table, chairs, counter tops with other little bits, they had put out their personal effects to decorate, he had noticed that Kathryn's wedding picture wasn't out. The rest of the shelter consisted of two bedrooms, a bathroom and a small storage room. He laughed as he remembered when they were sorting through the shelter parts, he had commented on which way the boards should go, "beige or grey," Kathryn had remarked that she'd "always looked better in beige"

"What's so funny?"

Chakotay jumped at the sound of her voice, turning he saw her stood in the doorway. Since coming here he'd seen a completely different side to Kathryn, gone was the captains mask, along with her 'bun of steel'. She was someone else, more carefree, more relaxed. She wore her hair down, normally braided, seeing her in casual clothes was also a new thing for him. "Was just remember when our first day here, when we were going through our equipment."

She slid in to the chair at what had become her table, her laptop opened she began to tap away, smiling. "You mean polka dots and pinstripes?"

Dishing up their toast and scramble egg, Chakotay laughed, "If I recall, you were the one who suggested polka dots." He set the plate in front of her, taking his place beside her. Whilst they used the tables for their own projects, they always moved the chairs to one table to eat together.

Taking a mouthful Kathryn commented, "Chakotay, maybe I could cook one evening, you always do it."

"I enjoy it Kathryn, and I actually prefer my food not burnt." He laughed as she swatted him, then noticed her thumb was moving up and down her ring finger, carefully he said. "You know you can put it on." When she looked dumbfounded at him, he explained, "Your ring, we don't exactly have to dress to Starfleet regulations anymore."

Immediately her thumb stopped, she hadn't realised she was doing it. Her expression turned somber, "I'm so use to not wearing it, I guess that it's more comfortable with it off." Kathryn wasn't about to tell him that she'd hardly worn since she got married. Sensing the drop in her mood Chakotay quickly changed the subject, "I have something to show you, after breakfast. If you have a minute that is."

Kathryn's eyes widen, "Oh? Would be that thing you've been building in secret?"

Chakotay grinned. "Possibly."

=/\=

"Kathryn Janeway's personal log, Stardate 49690.1. Day twenty four of our stay on the planet we've named New Earth. As yet I've been unable to make any progress in finding a cure for our illness, but a soak in the tub Chakotay built always helps me focus on possible solutions."  
Kathryn rang the water out of her sponge as she stretched out. She couldn't believe Chakotay had taken the time to build her a bath, it had been a huge surprise for her, one that had left her speechless. He had built the pieces out in the woods, where he wouldn't have been caught, then assembled it where it now stood, on the edge of the clearing, just outside their shelter. She continued filling her sponge with water, and ringing it, whilst her mind worked. "Chakotay, are you there?" She called out to her companion.  
"No I left an hour ago!" His voice emerged from their shelter.  
Kathryn smiled and shook her head, she had asked for that. "I was thinking. Maybe looking for protein cofactors is the wrong approach. Even if I can't find a specimen of the insect that infected us, I could try to learn something about the bio-molecular evolution of this planet's ecosystem."  
"Can't hurt to give it a try!"  
Kathryn thought, her mind racing with ideas, she was about to call out again to him when a rustle In the trees startled her. "Chakotay!" She sat up, grabbing the towel off the bath side.  
His calm voice replied. "What?"  
"There's someone in the woods!" She stepped out of the bath, hoping that she'd have enough time to cover herself before he appeared. Wrapping the towel around her she looked towards where the noise had come from, a small black and white monkey sat on a branch. Chakotay quickly appeared beside her, phaser in one hand, switching his flashlight on, she pointed. "Over there. It looks like some kind of primate."  
Chakotays flashlight found the monkey, who, standing up, screeched at them. "I've detected primate life signs here, but I've never seen one." He informed Kathryn.  
Kathryn stepped toward the creature, holding one arm out in front of her, almost in a attempt to show they weren't hostile, the other gripping hold of her towel. "Hello. Are you hungry? Is that why you came here? I'm Kathryn, he's Chakotay." At the mention of his name, Kathryn felt his presence no longer behind her but now standing to her left. "We've had to move into your neighbourhood, but I hope we can be friends." The monkey chattered again, before moving off along the branch then deeper into the trees. Kathryn let her arm fall to her side, as she sighed. "Maybe he'll come back." Chakotay smiled as he asked. "Looking for a pet?"  
Kathryn rested both hands at the top of her towel, and laughed a little at his question. "No. Looking for a clue about primate physiology on this planet. They must have to contend with insect bites too." When she didn't get a reply, Kathryn looked up at Chakotay, he was staring down at her, she realised that the only thing she had on was the towel, and her shoulders and top of her chest was bare. She pulled the towel closer to her, snapping him out of his trace.  
"Excuse me." He said, before heading back into the shelter, leaving Kathryn feeling somewhat embarrassed.  
Kathryn watched him go, her cheeks hot with embarrassment. She'd been stood there that whole time in just a towel and had completely forgotten. Neither of them had seen any flesh of the other except for arms and legs, but this was made worse by the fact that she knew Chakotay cared about her, maybe more then he should. She quickly got herself dry, her hair having been pinned loosely up made it quicker, hanged her towel from a branch and put on her robe whilst following Chakotays footsteps back to the shelter. "Maybe we should be out looking for other primates. I might be missing something important." She spoke as she walked through the door.  
Chakotay, having put his phaser and flashlight back on the shelf, watched from the other side of the room as she sat and switched on her monitor. He folded his arms and let out a sign. "Kathryn," at the sound of her name, Kathryn looked at him. "the Doctor worked for weeks trying to find a treatment for this disease."  
"Yes?" Kathryn wasn't sure why he was telling her something she already knew.  
He starting walking towards her, "You've been at it twelve hours a day, seven days a week since we got here, and we're still no closer to a cure than we were the day we were infected." When he reached her, Chakotay rested his hands on the table.  
"I'm not sure what you're getting at." Maybe it was the situation that happened outside, or her stubborn unwillingness to see what he was trying to say, but Kathryn's mind drew a blank on his words.  
Chakotay let out a frustrated sign, "My people have a saying. Even the eagle must know when to sleep. Maybe it's time we both considered that."  
She answered as soon as he finished, not letting what he had said have time to settle. "You mean quit, give up?"  
He glanced away from her, thinking. As much as he loved her stubbornness and determination, it also had the ability to drive him mad. "Why do you have to see it as defeat? Maybe it's simply accepting what life has dealt us, finding the good in it." He spoke calmly, losing his temper wasn't going to change her mind, or make things any better, after all, he was stuck on this planet with her.  
She looked away from him briefly, her head shaking ever so slightly. Looking back up at him, she said "There may be a day when I'll come to that, Chakotay, but, I'm a long way from it right now. I need to keep looking."  
Chakotay knew there was nothing else he could say to change her mind, there was no point in pressing the matter, she'd have to except it in her own time. He smiled at her, giving her a little wink, before turning and heading back to his table. He sat and watched her, she had hidden her face with one hand, tapping at her monitor, avoiding him. After a moment he spoke her name "Kathryn."  
She almost jumped at the sound, thinking that their conversation was over and she wouldn't have to talk to him until she bid him goodnight. "Yes?"  
Chakotay shifted in his chair, he wasn't sure why he was about to ask her this question, but he couldn't just leave things how they were. "Do you remember, not long after we arrived in the delta quadrant, we were walking through engineering, I asked you a question?"  
Kathryn rested her hands on the table in front of her, and smiled slightly. "Yes. You asked if our situations had been reversed, would I have served under you."  
Chakotay nodded, also smiling at the memory. "You replied that the best thing about being captain is that you could keep somethings to yourself."  
Kathryn chuckled at where this was going. "You want to know what my answer would have been, since I'm no longer captain?"  
A grin spread across Chakotays face, "you got it."  
"Well let's see, my ship would have clearly been destroyed, I would have to give up my rank of captain to whatever you saw fit to give me, I'd have nowhere else to go," Kathryn stopped when she saw the look of disbelief on Chakotays face, she'd meant it to be joke. Her tone softened. "Of course I would have done, Chakotay. Not because I would have to, but because I would have wanted to. I would have served under you -" "Beside me." He interrupted. "You would have served beside me as my second in command"  
Kathryn's smile got bigger. "Ok then, I would have served beside you as finely as you have me. And it would have been an honour to do so."  
"It's been an honour to serve beside you Kathryn." Chakotay replied. Now the tension had dissipated they fell into a comfortable silence, each grateful for having the other in their lives.


	3. Chapter 3

Chakotay stepped out the shelter, the sun shone brightly down, just as it had done since they arrived on New Earth. He held the picnic basket in one hand as he pushed the door shut with the other, looking around. He couldn't see Kathryn, he knew she wasn't checking traps, she had done that this morning and she always told him when she left. This time she had picked up a book and said she was going to sit outside to read.  
"Kathryn." He called out, when he got no answer he started walking around the shelter, surprised when he came across her stretched out on the grass behind it. He stopped, taking in the rare sight of her not being the captain, or the scientist, not being on guard, but of her being relaxed, being her. Being Kathryn. It was something that was becoming more frequent, she was working on it, he could tell. Right now, she was laid out on her front, her legs bent up, her feet bare, her pale blue dress bunch at her knees. She had a large summer hat on, a book in her hands, totally oblivious to the man stood behind her. She literally took his breath away, he struggled to get her name out. "Kathryn."  
She looked over her shoulder back at him and smile. "Chakotay, I didn't hear you." She put her marker in the book then stood up to face him, brushing down her dress as she did.  
Chakotay smiled back at her, "I thought you might like to have lunch by the river." He indicated to the picnic basket.  
Kathryn looked slightly surprised. "Is it lunch time already?" She held the book in her hands, keeping it close to her.  
Chakotay nodded. "You've been out here all morning. Good book?"  
Her mood changed, he sensed it. "You could say that. Let me just put it inside then we can go."  
After she had put it back inside the shelter they took the five minute walk to the river, they had discovered not long after arriving on the planet, and when they had made sure it was safe, both replicated swimming attire to enjoy a much needed dip to cool of from the heat. They also decided it was best to keep their swim wear and towels by the river in 'their spot' as they did not require them back at the shelter.  
They had finishing eating their lunch- a salad of various fruits, cheese and yogurt - over an hour ago. Chakotay had even been kind enough to pack her a flask of coffee, and were now sat on the blanket that he'd brought. They had been somewhat silent during the meal, he'd asked her about her book - Wuthering Heights she told him - she'd asked if he was planning on making anything else for the shelter - possibly he told her.  
Chakotay broke the silence. "You can talk about him, you know, if it helps." He watched as she froze, her cup inches away from her mouth.  
She took a sip, then another, contemplating what he had just said, but her answer came as no surprise. "Thank you Chakotay. But really, I'm fine."  
"Kathryn, I know we've been on this planet for a while now, but you've been through a lot since we got in the Delta Quadrant. You've been ripped away from your husband, not once, but twice now." He continued studying her as she looked out to the river, her small hands wrapped around the cup, resting it on her lap, her jaw set tight as his words hit home.  
Slowly turning her head, Kathryn stared into his brown eyes. "To be honest, I haven't really thought about Mark much. We were always busy on Voyager, and now..." She looked away from him, the sentence didn't need to be spoken now she had no hope of seeing him again.  
Chakotay suddenly jumped up, startling Kathryn. "Join me for a swim." He put his hand out toward her, she smiled as she took hold of it.  
"Of course." She answered putting her cup aside as he helped her up. They had their towels hanging on two different trees, opposite each other, so each had privacy but were still in sight of the other, should anything happen. After they'd changed, Kathryn pulling her hair into a loose bun, both swam out into the river. It was calm, it was always calm, they hadn't seen a single storm of any kind since arriving, so the river was always peaceful and still.  
A few hours later, still floating in the river, both heard a shrieking noise coming from the shore. Looking to where their stuff was, they saw the monkey sat on the grass. Chakotay laughed, "I hope he doesn't run off with our clothes."  
Kathryn smiled. "Wouldn't be the first time someone's done that to me, apart from I didn't have a bathing suit on...."  
Chakotay eyed her. "Oh?"  
Feeling her cheeks get hot, she replied. "Maybe later, let's head back, it'll be time for you to cook me dinner soon."  
Chakotay watched as she swam back, mouth slightly open, he hadn't thought Kathryn was the type to go skinny dipping. *How she continues to surprise me* he thought, swimming behind her.

They sat with empty plates in front of them, Kathryn had chosen tonight's meal and helped Chakotay prepare it as best as she could - drinking a coffee whilst staying out of his way but telling him what to do as it was her sisters recipe. Potato, carrots, mushrooms, onion fried with ginger powder, Chakotay loved it as much as Kathryn did after the first bite.  
"Have you checked your traps today?" He asked, she normally checked them every day.  
She shook her head, "No, I'm going to look at them tomorrow. I've got something I'm working on, see if I can actually catch something."  
He watched her drink her coffee, he knew she had an addiction to the stuff, but since living with her he'd learned how bad it was, this was her 4 cup that he knew about. But his mind was wondering back to what she'd said earlier. "So, Kathryn, going to tell me that story now?" She raised a questioning eyebrow at him, he clarified. "About having no clothes left when out swimming."  
She shifted, kicking herself for letting that slip out. "We were at the academy, five of us went out late one night to the Utopia Lake for a swim." Chakotay nodded. The Utopia Lake was man made, part of Starfleet Academy so they could do water sports on it. Only a five minute walk from campus it was unheard of, cadets sneaking out for late night dips. "We got there," Kathryn continued, "and one of the guys decided he was going to jump straight in, naked." A grin appeared on her face at the memory. "Then dared the rest of us to do it. The other guy with us, John, said he wasn't going in, I can't remember what reason he gave, but anyway, the other two girls jumped in, leaving me."  
Chakotay was grinning as much as Kathryn. "And you decided the Starfleet thing to do was jump in as well?"  
Kathryn shot him a glare. "Well I wasn't going to just stand there, I didn't particularly like John, so yes. I stripped down and jump in after them. Only ten minutes into our swim, we realised that John was no longer sat on the rock where we left him and all our stuff had gone."  
Chakotay had to laugh, he had always thought of Kathryn being the stereo Starfleet type, even before she was in Starfleet and worked her way through the ranks. "So, what did you do?"  
"The only thing we could do, we ran as fast as we could back to the campus and to our dorms. John gave our stuff back the next day, he was the only one at the time who found it funny."  
Still laughing, Chakotay said. "I guess you were lucky they weren't doing any night excerises." At Kathryn's Death Glare, Chakotay was unable to breath through laughing.  
"Very funny mister." Came her deadpan reply. "And I suppose you were a model cadet?"  
Still chuckling, Chakotay answered. "I'll tell you a story another time." He stood and picked up the plates taking them to the little sink they had.  
Kathryn took this as a chance to ask him something that had been bugging her since their first meal together in the Delta Quadrant. "Chakotay, the first meal we had, on Voyager, you told me it was very nice. But then after that you insisted on bringing a meal, if I was hosting dinner, you said it was only fair."  
Cup of tea in his hands, Chakotay took his seat opposite her. "Hmmm, to be honest it was a bit bland. I was just trying to get out of eating your cooking. Like you've said yourself, you're not the best cook."  
Kathryn's mouth fell slightly open. "I knew it. And you were so nice about it, and sat there and ate it." She sighed. "You know you could have just told me."  
"Who knows how long I would have ended up in the brig for insulting the Captains cooking." His dimple smile broke through. "You know, if you want to learn to cook, I can teach you."  
Kathryn's own smile widened. "Really, you'd do that?"  
Chakotay sat smiling to himself for a moment before saying. "If it means you can cook me something edible, then yes."  
She leant over and swatted him on his arm.


	4. Chapter 4

"Well, that's one way of letting go." Kathryn, standing in the debris, looked over to Chakotay. Once again everything had changed.  
It started off a perfect day, as it usually did on New Earth. After having breakfast she decided to check on some of her traps, having neglecting them yesterday. When she left the shelter, Chakotay was already 'at work', sanding down some wood. She had asked him what he was up to, he replied making headboards, having noticed that she likes to sit up in bed and read so she should 'have something comfortable' to rest against. They talked briefly about him making the place a home, which he stated made her feel uncomfortable, that she was resisting any changes he made. She was honest and told him it felt like he was giving up. "I can't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never happen." Was his answer. She said one day she might have to give up 'but not today'. It was ironic now, when she thought about it. Then a plasma storm hit, the monkey had come to warn her just as the skies turned black. Luckily she'd told Chakotay where she was heading to, he'd found her and helped her back to the shelter, both falling every now and then when the storm hit. They took cover under the tables, the shelter shook violently, everything that wasn't held down got thrown around. She wasn't going to admit it, but she had cried out, even tried to get to save her research equipment, but Chakotays strong arms held her close to him as she slightly wept. She had found comfort in his arms. When the storm had passed they ventured out first, after taken note off the tree that had broken through part off the roof. Branches were scattered around, whatever research equipment she had outside was tossed around like discarded children's toys and destroyed beyond repair.  
Now she stood there staring at Chakotay.  
"Let's take a look inside, maybe some of the equipment survived in there." Chakotay tried to sound optimistic.  
Kathryn nodded, not feeling at all hopefully they'd find anything worth saving. He lead the way back into the shelter, everything that had once been on the tables and shelves now laid strewn out across the floor. She didn't bother bending down to check most of the items, gently shifting them with a foot, she could tell it was all gone. All that hard work, all that time she had put into finding a cure. And all she had to show for it was broken pieces.  
"I'm going to check my belongings." Her voice was barely a whisper as she walked passed Chakotay to her sleeping area. He let her go, knowing she'd want to be alone right now to process what had happened.   
Kathryn looked around, pretty much everything was where it should be, she didn't have many loose things. Then her eyes fell upon her bedside cabinet, just as she thought her picture lay smashed on the floor in front of it. She bent down, a new pang of sadness hitting her as she picked up the now torn picture. It was one of her and Mark, the rip went down the middle of them, she sighed as she placed it on the bed, noticing her necklace with her wedding ring was also on the floor. Standing up she held them in one hand then picked up the picture again and stared at it a long time. "I guess that's one way of letting go." She repeated. Though it hurt, she knew she would have to except that she wouldn't see her husband again, and she decided to take the torn picture as a sign that she would have to move on, like he would eventually do, if he hadn't done so already. Kathryn didn't see Chakotay stand in the doorway as she sat on her bed and slightly wept.


	5. Chapter 5

Kathryn sat at her table, a pad laid out in from of her, one hand trying to massage her shoulder. They had spent the day clearing the shelter, and mending the roof, Chakotay commenting that he could use his phaser to mill the wood and make extra rooms for them. She had taken a bath, hoping to relax but it hadn't help much. "I guess I'm not used to that kind of work." She laughed slightly to herslef. "My knots are getting knots."   
Chakotay, who had been doing a slate carving, stopped and smiled slightly, amused. "Here let me help." He said as stood and walked over to her. He scooped up her hair, running it through his hands a couple of times then draped it over her shoulder, before his hands rested on them.  
Kathryn relaxed into his touch, her hands on her lap, she closed her eys. His hands kneading in to her tense shoulders, the knots slowly melting away. "Oh, that feels good." And it did, it felt very good.  
"I've had a lot of practice at this." Chakotay explained. "My mother used to get sore necks all the time. I was the only one she'd trust not to make it worse."  
Kathryn moaned slightly in response, too lost in the moment to really pay any attention to what he said. Then she became painfully aware of the tension between them as his hands came to a stop, not leaving her shoulders. She felt her breath catch as she senses heighten, the smell of him filled her nose, the touch of him burned through her, his breath in her hair. Her eyes opened and she stood, making sure she didn't do it too quickly to alarm him and turned to face him. "That's much better, thank you." She smiled. "Well, I'm going to go to bed now. I'll see you in the morning."  
Chakotay nodded and returned her smile. "Sleep well, Kathryn."  
"Yes. You too." Kathryn turned and walked to her sleeping area, still feeling tense, though it was now a completely different kind. She got into her bed and pulled the covers up, and stared at the frosty divider separating her from him, unaware that on the other side, Chakotay was also watching her.  
*What are you thinking, Kathryn, you're a married woman!* She laid there asking herself. It'd been 10 minutes since she said goodnight to Chakotay and she hadn't been able to switch off her mind. Her thoughts wondering back to his touch, the way he stared at her when she'd got out the bath, his smell, his breath. Then she'd scold herself her it. *You're stuck on a planet in the middle of the Delta Quadrant, what are the chances of you seeing Mark again?* She did love Mark, but not as much as she knew he deserved. He was a teacher, and her career in Starfleet kept her away quite a bit. By the time she left for Voyager they were more like friends living together then husband and wife. She rarely wore her wedding band, because of her job.  
But then a few months ago, when aliens had made the crew hallucinate, she'd heard him - seen him. In her quarters he had accused her of not missing him, of thinking of someone else. Maybe he was right, maybe she was falling her Chakotay, thinking of him more then she would anyone else. But when she had seen him in the turbo lift she'd told him she was being faithful, maybe in the physical sense she was, but emotionally she felt attached to the man sat just a mere few meters from her.  
*Maybe you should talk to him. Define some parameters so you don't get too tangled up with him."  
With that thought she threw back her covers, the floor now slightly cold on her warm bare feet, and walked back in the living area.  
Chakotay looked up from the slate drawing he had been doing, as she crossed over to the table were he sat and took the chair opposite him, lacing her hands in front of her. "We have to talk about this." She said clamly.   
Chakotay put the drawing down on the table. "All right."  
"I think we need to define some parameters.... about us." Kathryn felt her heart pounding as she spoke, millions of thoughts raced through her mind, the more dominant one being *Am I doing the right thing?*  
"I'm not sure I can define parameters." He shrugged. "But I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people. It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years, he struggled with his discontent. But the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighbouring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace."  
Kathryn sat, listening to every word, when he finished she broke out into a smile. "Is that really an ancient legend?"  
It was now his turn to smile "No. But that made it easier to say." He confessed.  
She studied his face for a moment, taking in his bronze skin, brown eyes, the tattoo on his forehead. She was his peace, he'd follow her no matter where, do whatever he could for her. She felt her heart swell with love, a feeling she never had around Mark. She place her hand out in front of her, he copied and intwined her fingers together. That's when it hit Kathryn Janeway, she loved this man, and they weren't getting off New Earth any time soon. *Hell with parameters* she thought as she pushed back her chair, taking hold of Chakotays hand in hers. She watched as he slowly stood in front of her, her breathing becoming erratic, when he was inches from her, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his mouth down to hers.


	6. Chapter 6

15 months before Voyager departs.

 

"Kathryn, say something."  
Kathryn Janeway stared in a surprised silence at the man knelt before her. Her and Mark had gone out for a meal to her favourite Chinese restaurant, though Mark had insisted on taking her somewhere else, saying the place was too cheap and not 'special' enough for this evening. But she managed to change his mind up till now she had been enjoying the evening - the conversation, the atmosphere, the wine - when, after the main course, he produce a box from his jacket and got down on one knee. It came as a surprise, though they had known each other for a number of years, they had only started dating 6 months earlier, only moving in with each a week before. Marriage had never been spoken off.  
A million things had entered her mind when he had opened the box and asked that very important question "will you marry me?". She was aware that her career in Starfleet meant she spent time away, especially as she was going to be promoted to Captain soon, that would take her away from home for longer periods of time. Though it hadn't caused any arguments -yet - Mark had made it clear a career change would mean they got to spend more time together, she explained, on many occasions, that it was her life and always had been. There was Molly, her Irish Settler dog, Mark had reluctantly agreed to let the dog move in as well, after Kathryn had agued that she'd go live back in her apartment if Molly couldn't be with her. Then of course that was the problem with that she didn't know if she loved Mark. She loved him, care about him deeply, but she didn't know if she was *in love* with him, there hadn't been a spark with him. Kathryn had to admit he wasn't her soul mate, he was comfortable, sercurity, safe. *It isn't like I'm going to meet anyone else.* She would tell herself.  
Kathryn suddenly became aware of the other diners eyes on them. "Mark, people are staring."  
Looking somewhat irritated by her answer, Mark replied. "That might be because I've asked my girlfriend to marry me and she hasn't answered."  
"Of course." She whispered. *Thats not an answer* she silently screamed at herself. "Yes, I'll marry you." Her smiled was somewhat forced, she hoped he couldn't tell.  
The restaurant broke out in applause, as Mark slipped the gold band on to her finger before giving her a crushing hug, one that she made herself return.


	7. Chapter 7

Present Day

When Kathryn awoke the next morning the first thing she was aware of was how dangerously close to the edge of her bed she was. The second was the weight lying beside her. She rolled over to face Chakotay, relieved to find he was still sleeping and not watching her, she wanted time to get her thoughts together before talking to him about what happened last night. It briefly crossed her mind to stay snuggled up and watch him sleep, he looked peaceful as he snored slightly. The morning light seeping in through the window seem to make his bronze skin shine. She resisted the urge to run her fingers over the tattoo on his forehead, and to touch his bare chest. She knew she'd have to get out bed soon, the longer she stayed there the more chance he'd wake up while she was still lying beside him, but something was stopping her. She'd never felt the way she did when he held her during the night, never felt loved like she did when he made love to her, when he whispered to her that he loved her. Even now it sent shivers throughout her body. Not Mark, not even her first fiancé Justin, had ever made her feel like that. *Is he my soulmate, a Maquis convict who I was sent to capture.... Can't do things simply can you Kathryn* With a smile she gently got out of the bed, grabbing up her discarded clothes from the floor and leaving them in a heap beside the bed, thinking it best to deal with them later, she then quickly took some fresh clothes, a pale blue dress, from her drawers and changed before heading into the living area. After braiding her hair, she got herself a cup of black coffee before looking outside, it was another nice sunny day. Deciding she needed time to think, and a distraction at the same time, she headed out to the small patch of land that had been dung for her vegetable garden.

Kathryn wasn't sure how long she'd been outside, she'd gotten herself comfortable, laid out on her front. She heard the door click as it opened and closed, and his footsteps, for a moment she paused, a feeling a dread passing over her. Hoping he wouldn't mention last night, she continued to tend her patch, pressing down the soil.  
"How are they coming?" Chakotay asked as he sat beside her.  
Feeling a bit more at ease that Chakotay was interested in the vegetable patch and not last night, Kathryn replied. "Very nicely. We should have vine-ripened Talaxian tomatoes in a couple of months, unless this planet has the equivalent of tomato bugs. Oh, they're awful."  
They both laughed, when Kathryn noticed him staring at her, as the laughter faded. He cleared his throat as she broke the eye contact. " If your tomatoes could spare you for a minute, I'd like your opinion on something in the house."  
She smiled as they stood, brushing off her hands. "Well, you've come to the right person. I always have an opinion."  
They shared another laugh as the entered the shelter, Kathryn grabbing a hand towel from the side as Chakotay brought the laptop to face them. "What do you think?"  
Kathryn stood beside him, on the monitor was a blue print for a simple rowing boat. "A boat!"   
Chakotay smiled at her, "You said you wanted to explore the river. I think I could build this."  
"We could go on a camping trip." Kathryn suggested, getting excited by this new adventure, a way to explore more of New Earth.  
"I'm not sure we could fit the bathtub in the boat." Chakotay joked.   
Kathryn laughed. "Well, that's all right. I'll have the river."  
Their laughing was cut short by a static noise coming from one of the shelves, followed by what sounded like a voice. Kathryn looked at Chakotay. "Did you hear that?"  
"Yes." He replied, as he walked around the table to where they now kept their combadges.  
A cold chill went down Kathryn's spine, it was them, it was Voyager, her crew had come back for them - clearly disobeying a direct order.   
As Chakotay placed both combadges on the table, Kathryn sat down in front of it, the voice was clearer, it was Tuvok. "To Captain Janeway, do you read me? This is Tuvok calling Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Please respond."  
With a shaky hand, Kathryn picked up one of them and answered. "This is Janeway."  
"Captain, it's good to hear your voice. We have news." Came the Vulcans calm voice through the static.   
"What is it?" She had already guessed the answer, they had found a way to cure them.  
Tuvok confirmed it. "We have medicine which we believe will effectively treat your condition. We plan to be in orbit within thirty hours."  
She looked up at Chakotay, this couldn't be happening. She was just starting to settle into this life, settle with him, and it was being snatched away from her. Chakotay gave her a small smile, but she could see it was forced for her sake, she knew that deep down he'd been just as shocked and angry as her. Not signing off from the conversation, she put the combadge on the table and slowly stood. "Excuse me." With that she turned and walked out the shelter, heading in to the woods, knowing Chakotay would thank Tuvok and the crew and arrange beam up times for them and their things.


	8. Chapter 8

It was early evening by the time Kathryn got back to the shelter, the sun was slowly starting to set. She'd spent the whole day in the forest, thinking about her time on New Earth, Chakotay, Voyager - Voyager, in just under 24 hours she'll be Captain again, and Chakotay will be her Commander. Everything that happened here will be put aside, Kathryn the woman will go back into hiding to be replaced with her cold, counterpart. *Maybe I can try and be both* Kathryn had told herself, but soon talked herself out of it. When she got back to the shelter and pushed the door open, she stood stunned in the entrance. The smell of food filled her nostrils, making her realise how hungry she was. Laid out on the table was candles, a vase of flowers, glasses and a bottle of wine. Chakotay was stood at the side of their small kitchen area, dishing up a meal, dressed in a plan brown shirt with darker brown trousers. Kathryn suddenly felt underdress.  
"What is this?" She asked.  
Chakotay turned to her, and gestured to everything him around him. "This is our last night on New Earth. I wanted it to be special."  
Kathryn hardly knew what to say, it was so sweet and thoughtful of him, yet wrong at the same time. "Chakotay...." She started to protest.  
Chakotay walked up to her, and took hold of her hands. "Kathryn, just tonight, then we can go back to however you want. But tonight, be Kathryn. Be my Kathryn."  
Kathryn nodded, completely lost for words. When she did find her voice, she said "I should go freshen up." Chakotay smiled and let her go, she left him to finishing serving the food as she entered her bedroom. She pulled a short sleeve light blue dress out of the wardrobe and changed, then proceeded to unbraid, brush and rebraid her hair. *That should do it* She thought to herself. Kathryn then went back to the living area, moving towards a chair, when Chakotay pulled it out for her to sit on. "Thank you."   
He returned her smiled, before picking up two small bowls from the counter top. "Mushroom soul to start with."  
As her bowl was placed in front of her, Kathryn joked. "Start with? How many courses are there?"   
Chakotay, now sat down with his soup on the table, answered. "Only 3, we have salmon for the main." He picked up the bottle of wine, uncorked it and poured them each a glass.  
"Chakotay you didn't have to go to all this trouble." Kathryn said, picking up her glass.  
"It was no trouble at all." Chakotay insisted as he too picked up his glass. "To us, may we always be together, no matter where the future takes us."  
"To us." Kathryn clinked her glass with his, took a mouthful of the fruity red liquid, before starting her soup.  
The rest of the meal passed with small talk, comments about how the crew have been and ideas of how they found a cure. Then that night he made love to her like he'd never get a chance to again, he held her all night till the early morning sun rise, and wiped her tears as she slept.

The next afternoon both stood outside their shelter, in their Starfleet uniform, their belongings having already been beamed up to Voyager. Her hair was once again done up in the tight bun that Chakotay disliked, preferring her hair to be down and free. She glanced over her shoulder at him, and there it was, the captains mask. But he was sure he saw a flicker of Kathryn in her eyes, an emotion telling him it was all going to be alright. Turning away from him, she tapped her combadge. "Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up."


	9. Chapter 9

As Soon as Kathryn entered her quaters, she immediately kicked off her boots, leaving them wherever they landed. It had been a long and emotional day, starting with leaving New Earth. Her and Chakotay had been kept in sickbay for an hour before the Doctor had told them they were fully cured and could return to work. They had then walked to the bridge together, only talking about the rescue the crew had made and Tuvok disobeying her orders. She hated the tension that had now built between them, but was not surprised by it. She rubbed her forehead as she spoke. "Warm milk." Her replicator kicked into action and a mug of warm milk appeared. Kathryn took the mug, had a sip before heading into her bedroom. All their things had been beamed up in groups, so all her stuff was still pack in cases around her room, but she was too tired to deal with it now. After her and Chakotay had settled on the bridge, she'd ran off to her ready room an hour later and spent most her shift hiding there. Unwanting to spend anymore time sat beside him in an uncomfortable silence. Putting her mug on the bedside table she picked up one of the cases, knowing that it had her tops and nightwear in it. "Computer, activate water shower." The computer beeped at her order and Kathryn heard the sound of running water coming from her bathroom. She could have had a sonic shower, but with the knots in her shoulders and her headache, she hoped the feel of running water would help clear them. Opening the case, Kathryn pulled out a pile of tops and put them to one side before lifting out a pink nightie, when something underneath it caught her eye - it was light beige top, that didn't belong to her. She dropped her nightie on to the bed and pulled it out, it was Chakotays *how on Earth did that get in here.* She knew it was his as she had seen him wear it on New Earth. Without thinking she buried her face in the soft material and inhaled, it still smelt of him, a strong, musky smell that reminded her of when she first met him. "Computer, deactivate shower." Her voice was barely a whisper. Putting her top down, she tossed her clothes back into the case and on to the floor, the stripped of her uniform. Picking up Chakotays top, she pulled it over her head, then undid her bun, letting her hair fall loose down her back. She then climbed into bed, pulled the covers up to her chin and hugged her knees, as sadness washed over her.

Kathryn sat in the mess hall, picking at the plate of scramble egg on toast. She didn't normally eat with the crew, preferring to have her meals either in her bedroom or her Ready room, but she decided that having been away for a few months it'd be good for the crew morale if she dined with them. She soon regretted that decision when he sat in the chair opposite her. She hadn't heard him approach, her cheeks flared red with anger, there was no way she could just get up and leave with a half eaten meal, not without raising questions amongst the crew who were there. Kathryn glared at him, Chakotay remained neutral as he picked up his tea and took a sip.  
"Can I help you, Commander?" She used his rank to make it clear where they stood.  
"I thought you might like some company, and to talk." Chakotay replied, cutting into his omelet.  
Kathryn gripped her hands around her coffee cup. "Don't you think I've had enough of your company and talking for the past 3 months?" She snapped, noticing some of the crew sat at a near by table glance over at them.  
Chakotay didn't bite back, he stayed calm. "You know tonight is our weekly dinner day? Maybe we could talk and work things out."  
Kathryn found herself defusing a little, despite herself. There was no point in being angry, it was not as though he had violated her against her will. He had adjusted back to being her second in command, without any questions, yet she was still kicking up a fuss. "Yes, okay." She took a sip of her coffee, then said. "I'm sorry, for the way things have been since we got back."  
"Kathryn, don't be, I understand. We can talk about it over dinner. Your quarters?"  
Kathryn found herself grinning at him. "Only if you bring the food."  
"Then it's a date." Chakotay returned her grin. "We'd better head for the Bridge, I heard the Captain is in a bit of a foul mood."  
Kathryn stood, thankful for the banter that happened so easily with him. "Really? I'm sure it's nothing a bit of fine dining and a several cups of coffee won't cure."  
Laughing as they walked out of the mess hall Chakotay joked, "I'll remember that for next time."


	10. Chapter 10

5 Months Later

Kathryn sat heavily on one end of her sofa while Chakotay sat at the other. Kicking off her shoes she swung her legs up and rested her feet on his lap, lying her head on the armrest. He hands instantly sat massaging her feet, working away the tension of the past few days. "So did at any point did you actually consider Q's offer?" He asked.  
A few days ago their 'friend' Q had appeared on Voyager, proposing to Kathryn the idea of having his child to try and end the Q civil war. Chakotay had been very jealous, had told her as much, but she had turned Q's offer down.  
Kathryn huffed, but then confessed. "I thought about it, a lot. But it wouldn't have been right."   
She sensed Chakotays next question was said with caution. "Do you want children?"  
She thought back to conversations she'd had with Mark about children. Back then she had wanted her career in Starfleet, that she thought children couldn't possibly fit into her life. "I guess I wouldn't mind having a child. But that's not going to happen now, I wouldn't be able to command Voyager and rise a child. What about you? Have you thought about children?"  
"Many times, but my life took a different direction. And I would have to find the right woman."  
Kathryn laughed, "I'm sure you'd have no problem with that. Could you imagine if we had kids?"  
"My dark eyes, against your fiery hair and pale skin. They'd be the most beautiful children this Quadrant had seen."  
Kathryn suddenly felt uncomfortable, the same feeling she back on New a Earth when he had massaged her shoulders. What had meant to be a joke had clearly been something he thought about. Swinging her legs off the sofa and sitting she strained a smile. "Well, I should properly be getting some sleep. I didn't exactly get much when Q was visiting."  
Chakotay nodded, acknowledging her dismissal, and her fleeing from him once more. "Of course, sleep well Kathryn."  
Kathryn watched as he stood and headed for the door. "You too, Chakotay." Her heart breaking for the children with dark eyes and flame red hair, that would never be.

=/\=

9 months before Voyager leaves

Kathryn sat in silence, her mind running over responses, Marks proposal had taken her by surprise, almost like when he had asked her to marry him. They were sat in their house, though it had been Marks before Kathryn moved in, and she still had her apartment in the city incase of work commitments. "A baby?" Her tone was more shocked then what she wanted it to be.   
Mark, sitting opposite nodded. "Yeah, it's what couples do. Get married, have a baby. Why is that such a surprise to you?"  
Kathryn rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache starting. "A baby." She repeated, then groaned slightly. "Mark, we're not even married yet. The wedding is in 6 months, don't you think maybe we should wait until after then? I don't want to be planning a wedding and a baby! And what about my carer?"   
"What about it?" Mark shrugged.  
Kathryn felt her anger rising, her cheeks feeling hot, he'd never been supportive of her carer, even before they were together. Without realising what she was doing, Kathryn was up on her feet. "It's my life! I've worked hard to get where I am now, and I'm not going to let you, or anyone else, stand in my way in getting further!" She heading to the door, grabbing her jacket from the hook. Mollie, her Irish Settler, looking up to her from her basket, stood, thinking it was time for a walk. Kathryn got the dog lead and without another word, slammed the door behind them, hearing the sound of glass smashing against it.

=/\=

Present Day

After the doors had closed, Kathryn sat staring at them, she hadn't intended to make the situation awkward, but since getting back from New Earth, that's all she did. Shedding her clothes, she made her way to her bedroom and pull out his top from her drawer, holding it tight to her chest before pulling it on.


	11. Chapter 11

The moon shone down as the boat gently floated on the clam water. The two figures on board were laid down on the deck, looking up at the stars, a blanket casually throwing over them. They had spent the last hour or so in pleasant conversation, eating their snacks and drinking champagne - she being aloud to choose, after all it was to celebrate that she hadn't died. Then they snuggled down, and that's when he asked her the question that had been on his mind since they rescued her, just who had it been that she'd seen. Kathryn had almost died in the shuttle crash, Chakotay and the Doctor had fought to keep her with them. And during those critical moments, something - something - had entered her cerebral cortex, presenting itself as a known figure, trying to convince her to go with them. In her report, Kathryn had simply referred to them as an alien.  
Now, in the quietness of Lake George, with nowhere for her to hide, he asked, and she answered, her voice soft as the question brought back memories she wished to keep buried. "My father, the alien was 'dressed' as my father."   
"You've never told me about your father." Chakotay knew he might be stepping on something she didn't want to share, but he asked anyway, hoping she would open up to him. He put his arm around her, her head resting on his chest.  
Kathryn watched as his chest rise and fall with his breathing as she considered her response. "He was killed 15 years ago in a shuttle accident, along with Justin."  
Chakotay had never heard that name before, and without think said, "Justin?"  
Her body tensed, 15 years on and it still hurt like it did the first day. "Justin was my finacé, he, my father and I were testing a new prototype ship. Something went wrong and we crashed on Tau Ceti Prime, I was thrown clear of the wreckage, but..... But they were trapped. I tried my best to save them...." Her voice trailed off as she wiped a tear from her cheek. Chakotay pulled her closer to him, gripping her tightly as though he wouldn't let go. The only other time he'd seen her cry was on New Earth, after the storm had torn her wedding picture in half, it pained him to see her hurting. He gently stroked her hair as she calmed down, moving to half sitting so she could look at him. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have cried all over you."  
Running a thumb over her wet cheek Chakotay said. "Don't be sorry, you know I'm here if you ever need to talk."  
Kathryn nodded, "I don't know what I've done to deserve you in my life, but I'm thankful I have you."  
Chakotay smiled. "Same." He lent forward to kiss her cheek, but Kathryn moved her head and caught his lips with hers. Slowly pulling back, somewhat startled, he said. "Kathryn, I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you, I was aiming for your cheek. I don't want to do anything that -"  
"Shut up and kiss me." Kathryn interrupted, claiming his mouth once more.

Kathryn groaned at the sound of her door chime, her alarm hadn't gone off, why would someone be wanting to see her at this time of morning? She threw back her bed cover, to hear the sound of snoring coming from the other side of the bed. She hurriedly put on her robe and rushed toward the door. "Computer what time is it?"  
"0830." Came her reply.  
Crap, she was late for work, and so was Chakotay. After they kissed they had gone back to her quarters, where he had spent the night. Pressing the button for her door she was surprised to find Tom Paris stood on the other side. "Mister Paris?"  
Tom shifted slightly at the sight of his captain standing in a dressing gown, her hair tossed around her shoulders. "Ah....Ma'am.... Tuvok was worried, you didn't answer your com. I came down here to make sure everything was ok. Chakotay has reported for work either."   
The was a notice from the bedroom, Kathryn felt her cheeks redden, she knew exactly why Tom had come down, to find out they were doing. "Well, I'm fine thank you. I shall be on the bridge in a few minutes."  
Tom nodded, "Yes Ma'am. Maybe you could tell Chakotay he's late?" There was no cockiness in his voice, no hint of sarcasm.   
"Yes." Kathryn released the button, shutting the doors in his face, her embarrassment turning into anger. Why hadn't she heard her alarm? Why had she drank that champagne last night? She stormed I tot he bedroom, Chakotay was already awake and getting dressed.   
"Last night shouldn't have happened, it's now made me late for work. And of all the people to knock on my door, it had to be Tom!! Now everyone will know." She fumed as she discarded her robe on the floor and started putting on her uniform. When she didn't get and answer she turned to Chakotay. "Say something."  
He stood, now fully dressed, though his hair was still unkempt. "I knew it was wrong to love you last night. And every time I do, you will find a way to shoot me down." With that he left the room and walked out of her quarters.   
Kathryn sat on the edge of her bed, in stunned silence, he didn't really feel like that - did he? No of course, he's just angry, she told herself. But he was right, deep down she knew he was, she did it on New Earth, told him they couldn't be together, yet she had made him think, made him feel like she wanted more. Fighting back her anger, she pulled her hair back into a clip and headed out to the bridge.

A few hours later, Chakotay sat in the mess hall, eating his lunch, nothing had been said when he walked on to the bridge not only late for work but five minutes before Kathryn did. So when Tom sat opposite him, he was surprised at the unsettling feeling he got. "Tom."  
Tom smiled and nodded. "Chakotay. How was Lake George?"   
*Talk about jumping straight in there* "It was fine, thank you." He replied, taking a mouthful of his salad.  
"Good. So what made you late this morning?" Tom casually asked.  
"Didn't hear my alarm." Chakotay shrugged, wishing he had chosen to eat in his office.  
"Funny, that's what the captain said this morning." Tom saw the other man take the bait.  
Without thinking, Chakotay answered. "She didn't give you an reason this morning." It wasn't until the words were out the he realised what he said. Looking up he found the younger man suppressing a smile. "If you say anything...."  
Tom put his hands up, his smile coming through. "I won't, I won't. I'm glad she's having fun. She needs it after everything she's been through." Picking up his tray, Tom stood. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."   
Chakotay watched him recycle his tray and leave, thinking it was a good idea not to tell Kathryn.


	12. Chapter 12

Two months later

"Did you sleep with her?"  
Kathryn wasn't sure why she asked the question, she didn't particularly want to know the answer, even though she had already guessed. Chakotay hadn't spent the night with her since her near death experience two months earlier, saying it was best to 'keep a low profile' since Tom might have guessed. Things had been somewhat tensed with them since they encountered a small Borg group, separated from the collective three days ago, with them spending a lot of time on the planet with Riley. Riley, the pretty blonde, also a former drone and leader of the group, who had tried to convince them to relink all the former drones on the planet into their own collective. Kathryn had declined, and using Chakotay, they had managed to do it themselves. Now that they had finished their dinner, before either of them got up, she asked, instantly regretting it.   
Chakotay eyed her, she maintain her captains mask. "Are you asking me as a friend or as my captain."  
Kathryn swallowed. "I'm just asking." She watched as he smiled, chuckling and shaking his head. "What's so funny?"  
"You." He replied, any sense of humour he had now vanished. "You being jealous. Thinking that you have a right over me, that you have a claim to me even though you pick me up and toss me aside at a whim!" He was now stood, towering over her. "You don't love me! You use me! So what if I slept with someone else, at least she cared about me!" With that he stormed out of the room.  
Kathryn sat staring at the closed doors, somewhat startled by his outburst. But everything he said had been true, he wasn't hers, she picked him up, played with his feelings and discarded him like a child would a toy they had got bored off. *Why did they have to rescue us from New Earth, we could have been together* letting out a sigh, she made a promise to herself to try harder with Chakotay and their friendship. 

Three months later

Kathryn laid on the cold metal floor, thinking of Voyager, under attack and she wasn't there, on her bridge, defending her. Instead she was on the Borg cube, making an alliance with their enemy just so they could safely pass their space. It made her angry. She hadn't asked to be beamed aboard, they had done that, took her straight of her bridge, and negotiated for her to stay, along with Tuvok. Under attack from Species 8472 and Voyager didn't have its Captain or tactical officer. During the attack the console she had be stood at exploded, throwing her off her feet and on to her back.   
Then her thoughts drifted to him. Touching his chest in her ready room, saying she couldn't imagine a day without him, then arguing, telling that maybe she was alone after all.   
The pain of the burning slowly faded as her world was consumed by darkness....

She found herself stood on a round patch of grass, everywhere around her was white, just seamless white. Kathryn put her hand out in front of her, there was nothing. *Where am I? Have I died?* She looked down, noting she was still in her Starfleet uniform, the grass seemed real enough, she stretched out a foot, as though to take a step on to the white, grass appeared under her boot. Then she looked up, to her surprise there were thick branches above her head, covered in green foliage. She recognised it insistently, it was the oak tree from her Grandfathers yard. She turned towards the trunk and put out a hand, to her amazement the tree was solid to the touch, she could feel the roughness of the bark against her palm. Then she spun around. "Q! Is this your doing?" She addressed the empty space, quietness was her reply. "Show yourself Q!" A sound of movement came from behind the tree, turning to face it, her emotions fell apart as her father stepped out. "Daddy." Her voice was barely a whisper. All those mixed emotions she had - happiness, sadness, guilt, anger - all rolled into one - rage. "Alright Q enough is enough! I don't know what sick joke you think you're playing, but I don't find it funny!" She shouted into the nothingness.  
"Golden bird, my golden bird." The man, dressed in an old style Admirals uniform, stepped towards her, Kathryn instinctively jumped back from him.  
"I don't know who you are, but you keep away from me." She snarled at him.   
"You don't recognise you're own father?" He stood, a few feet from her, not wanting to anger her further.  
"You are someone using my fathers appearance, to what end I don't know." She stopped, momentarily thinking back to her last brush with death. "If you're not Q, that means you must be that alien I encountered last time I almost died. I told you then, go to hell! I'd rather spend all eternity trapped here then go with you." The anger boiled inside her, if it wasn't unlike her, she would have slapped him.  
"Kathryn, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know any 'Q', I'm not an alien, I'm you're father, Edward Janeway. What is this, 'last time you almost died?' Oh Kathryn, what's happened to you?" The concern for his daughter came through in his voice, Kathryn decided that either he meant what he was saying, and therefore telling the truth, or he was a damn good liar.   
"Alright, let's say I believe you and you are my father. Where am I? What is this?" She waved her hand around indicating the whiteness surrounding them.  
"This is not quite death.... But not quite life." At her questioning and frustrated expression, he explained. "This is a simple way for me to talk to you. Kathryn, I know your a scientist, a skeptic, but for once, let that go so we can talk. Who knows how much time you have here." Edward sat down, resting against the tree and patted the ground beside him. "Sit with me Golden bird, it's been ages since I've seen you."  
Seeing that she had no other choice, Kathryn sat and took the chance to study him more closely. Taking in his grey hair, his piercing blue eyes, yet somehow, even with his smile lines, he seemed younger then she remembered, and had a aura of peace about him. Then whatever doubt, whatever fear, she had left, and she threw her arms around her father, his arms wrapped around her. That's how they stayed for a moment, before Kathryn drew back. "I can't believe it's really you. How?"  
"I'm not quite sure myself." Edward confessed. "This is a first for me."  
Kathryn wanted to tell him everything, to ask him everything, but she didn't know how long she'd be here, and she knew her father would never tell her anything about passing over. But there was something she desperately needed to know, something that had haunted her for the past 15 years. "When you.... On Terra Prime..... Did you and Justin....."   
"No. No we didn't." Edward knew exactly what she was trying to say, did they suffer. "Now, why don't you tell your old man what's going on. I see you've made captain. I'm really proud of you Kathryn."  
Kathryn sighed and rested her head against the tree, still expecting to go through it. "So much has happened Daddy, I don't know where to start." It was at this words she realised just how much has happened in her life that he had missed. She suddenly felt tired.  
"Stay here Golden Bird, don't let yourself get tired. Fight it." Edwards tone was almost like he was barking an order at her, but it worked, she shifted and straightened herself up. "Now, why don't you start from the beginning. Tell me everything that's happened since....." He couldn't bring himself to add 'I died'.  
And Kathryn did, everything from her depression after the accident, to marrying Mark, her promotion to Captain, to stranding Voyager in the Delta Quadrant and their encounters with Q, and various new alien species, her encounter with death, then they came to her relationship with Chakotay. Her father listened, asking lots of questions, but never once putting her down for the actions and decisions she had made. He told her a numerous of times how proud he was of her, for all that she had accomplished. "What would you have done?" She asked.  
"Probably everything you did. You're not a selfish person Kathryn, you think of others before your needs, no matter what the consequences." Edward wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. "Tell me more about this alliance. And your commander."  
Kathryn rested her head against his shoulder and explained about needing safe passage through a part of Borg space, and having a antidote to combat Species 8472, which they were willing to trade once they got through their space. Then she told him about Chakotay, about their rocky relationship, how it went against everything Starfleet that she believed in, yet she loved him.   
"It wouldn't hurt for you to do something that makes you happy Kathryn. Sometimes you should follow what your heart." Edward told her.  
Kathryn noticed a change in his voice, he had become weary, tired. She sat up to look at him. "What's wrong?"  
Edward shook his head slightly. "We don't have much time left. Do whatever makes you happy Golden Bird, set yourself free and fly. And remember, I love you."  
"I love you, Daddy." Kathryn felt the tears run down her cheeks as she threw her arms once more around her father, feeling his tight grip around her. Then, everything went black.


	13. Chapter 13

Kathryn awoke in sickbay, silent tears running down her face, the feeling of her fathers arms lingered. "Daddy." She whispered, had it all be a dream? Though she couldn't remember all of their conversation, parts of it stuck. She slowly began to sit up, her body aching, her head throbbing, just as the Doctor came out of his office and toward her.  
"Ah Captain, it's good to see you're awake. How do you feel?" He ran a tricorder over her, seemly satisfied with the results he stood, waiting for her to reply.  
"My head hurts a little." Her voice was raspy, her throat was dry. She swung her legs off the side of the bed, unsure if she'd be able to stand given how she felt. "How's Tuvok?"  
The Doctor got a hypospray from the medical table and pressed it against her neck. "That should help." He return the instrument from where he got it, then back to Kathryn. "Tuvok was fine, he was able to return to duty when I had finished treating him. Captain, you must know that you had plasma burns to your thoracic region, and internal bleeding. You also suffered neural injuries which I treated, but I had to induce a coma to help heal the injuries." His tone went somber with his next statement. "There was a few times I thought we had lost you."  
*Stay here Golden Bird, don't let yourself get tired. Fight it.*  
Kathryn stared at him, wide eyed, what had happened to her alliance. "How long was I out?"  
The Doctor hesitated before answering. "About 5 hours."  
Kathryn jumped off the bed and headed toward the door, stopping when the doctor called out to her, she turned back to face him. "Is it important Doctor? I really must get to the bridge and find out what's happened."  
The Doctor picked a glass of water off the main console and headed it to her. "Here drink this, I imagine your throat must be dry, going by the sound of how rough your voice is."   
Kathryn glared at him, but did as she was told, the cool liquid soothing her throat was actually welcoming. "Was that it? Or is there something else?" She handed the cup back to him, slightly irritated, though grateful.  
The Doctor casually placed the cup where it had been. "No, I thought you might like to know the current state of this alliance before charging to the bridge and having it out with the Commander."  
Kathryn slowly nodded and walked back to the bed from where she had just come from, feeling that given the Doctors tone, she'd probably need to brace herself. "What's happened?"   
"Well, unless blowing your guests out of the ship is considered to be welcoming, the alliance is pretty much over."  
"He did what?" Kathryn seethed, she placed her hands on the bio bed, she should have expected something like this, he was against the idea from the start.  
"All but one of the drones were blasted out into space. The female drone only survived because she was in a Jeffries tube at the time." The Doctor stood beside her now. "Do you want me to notify him that you're awake?"  
Kathryn nodded, too angry to talk. She listened as the Doctor spoke to Chakotay over the comm link, her hands were now clenched in fists of anger. How could he - how dare he - throw out everything she had been working hard to do, to keep them safe, to ensure that they made it through Borg space.  
A few minutes, Chakotay arrived in Sickbay, clearly pleased to see she was up and about, after a very brief word with the Doctor, who deactivated himself, he stopped by the main console and looked at Kathryn, who clearly didn't feel the same about seeing him.  
As she spoke, she casually walked towards him. "The Doctor brought me up to speed, but he couldn't tell me what I really wanted to know." She was know leant against the console, looking directly at him. "Why?"   
"The Collective ordered me to reverse course, travel forty light years back the way we came. What would you have done?" He asked.  
"I probably would've reversed course. Maintained the alliance as long as possible."  
Chakotay was honest with her. "In my mind, the alliance was already over."  
Kathryn couldn't believe what she just heard, keeping her temper in check she answered. "You never trusted me. You never believed this would work. You were just waiting for an opportunity to circumvent my orders."  
"Trust had nothing to with it. I made a tactical decision." Chakotay replied.  
"And so did I." Kathryn snapped.  
This time it was Chakotay getting angry "They have taking advantage of us from day one."  
"We made concessions, so did they." Kathryn found her voice raising more then she intended it too.  
Chakotay decided it was time to hit her with the truth. "They lied. The Borg started the war with Species 8472." He watched her mind start racing, that one face should have changed everything, as she moved away from the console. "We've only got one Borg left to worry about. We should try to disable her and get back to the Delta Quadrant. We might be able to duplicate the deflector protocols they used to open a singularity.  
Kathryn stood with her side facing him, was he telling the truth, or a reasonably good lie just to justify what he had done. "No. I won't be caught tinkering with the deflector when those aliens attack." She then turned to face him, full Captain mood in place, the command coming through in her tone. "There's no other way out of this, Chakotay. It's too late for opinions, it's too late for discussion. It's time to make the call, and I'm making it. We fight the aliens in full cooperation with the Borg." She made it clear that was their option.  
Chakotay was getting frustrated. "I was linked to a Collective once, remember? I had a neurotransceiver embedded in my spine. I know who we're dealing with."  
Kathryn rolled her eyes, that again. "Yes, I remember. Would you like to get to know this drone personally as well?" It wasn't until after she spoken that Kathryn bit her tongue.  
Chakotay stood wide eyed and mouth slightly gapping at her response. "Is that what this is about? Because I slept with someone else?"   
Kathryn shook her head, kicking herself, yes she was still jealous, they hadn't spent the night together since the shuttle crash, and she had to admit, she did miss him. "No, everything I've done, I've done for the crews safety. Not for my own emotional welfare."  
Chakotay felt a smile tug at his lips, he knew she had been jealous at the time, despite what she said, he gave him some satisfaction to know she still felt that way. "We've got to get rid of that last Borg and take our chances alone." He tried diverting the conversation back onto topic.   
Kathryn gritted her teeth, she would let him win this time, where her jealously was concerned, but it didn't make her less angry. "It won't work. This isn't working either. There are two wars going on. The one out there, and the one in here, and we're losing both of them."   
"It will be your undoing." Chakotay told her, remembering what the Borg had said.   
Kathryn was surprised. "What?"  
"Our conflicted nature. Our individuality." Chakotay clarified. "Seven of Nine said that we lack the cohesion of a Collective mind. That one day it would divide us and destroy us. And here we are, proving her point."  
Kathryn was slightly softer in her voice now, though her anger still bubbled away. "I'll tell you when we lost control of this situation, when we made our mistake. It was the moment we turned away from each other. We don't have to stop being individuals to get through this, we just have to stop fighting each other."  
Chakotay sighed and nodded, she was right, they did have to stop fighting, and take this stand together, as they had many times before. "I might have an idea."

Three Days Later....

"Captain's log, stardate 51003.7. Three days, and no sign of Borg or bioships. We appear to be out of danger, but the entire crew is still on edge and so am I. Not even the calm of Master Da Vinci's workshop is enough to ease my mind."

Kathryn sat at a desk in her Da Vinci holo deck program, writing her Captains log on paper, she had needed someplace calm and quite, but even having removed the Da Vinci character she could still not find it. The candle light flickered, the quill scratched at the paper, she didn't even hear him approach until he spoke.  
"Am I interrupting?" Chakotay asked.  
Kathryn smiled slightly at him. "Not at all. Just finishing up my log." With that she put down the quill and replaced the lid to the small pot of ink.  
"The old-fashioned way." He commented.  
"I wanted to get as far away from bioimplants and fluidic space. And this feels more human somehow."she told him, keeping her tone soft.  
"I hate to spoil the mood, but you might want to look at this Engineering report." He handed a pad over, which Kathryn started skimming through. "It'll take at least two weeks to remove the Borg technology from our systems. B'Elanna did note that the power couplings on deck eight work better with the Borg improvements."   
Giving the pad back, Kathryn replied. "Leave them. How is our passenger?" She asked, referring to Seven of Nine.  
"The Doctor says she's stabilising. Her human cells are starting to regenerate." Chakotay informed her.  
Kathryn watched as he spoke, the light casting shadows across his face, she couldn't help but think it made him look more handsome then he already was, even though they hadn't talked about the argument they had in sickbay, she still cared deeply for him. "I wonder what's left under all that Borg technology. If she can ever become human again." Bringing herself back to the subject at hand.  
Chakotay was somewhat surprised. "You plan to keep her on board."   
"We pulled the plug. We're responsible for what happens to her now." Kathryn got up and walked over to the fireplace, watching the flames dance, scattering shadow as the room.  
"She was assimilated at a very young age. The Collective's all she knows. She might not want to stay."   
He could be right, but Kathryn didn't want to think like that. "I think she might. We have something the Borg could never offer." She turned back to face him, wanting the next word to have some sort of impact on him. "Friendship."  
It did, Chakotay felt bad about what happened with them, he didn't lie, arguing with her, not to the point that she felt alone, that she thought he didn't trust her, but he might have lost her. "I want you to know that disobeying your orders was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do." He told her truthfully.  
Kathryn nodded slightly. "I understand. And I respect the decision you made, even though I disagree with it. What's important is that in the end we got through this, together. I don't ever want that to change."  
"Agreed."   
Kathryn started walking back towards the desk. "Good. Well, I think it's time we get back to our bridge." She was about to pick up the paper with her log on it when Chakotay caught her hand.  
"The doctor has actually given us some time off, in light of what's happened, only today and tomorrow." At her questioning look he quickly added. "Along with Tuvok and Harry if they choose to, he knew there was no point in offering it before, as we were still in Borg space, but now we're clear...." He let his voice trail off.  
"Oh, well that was thoughtful of him." Kathryn glanced away, and shifted slightly. "Did you have something in mind?"   
Chakotay shrugged, he hadn't given it much thought, he just knew he wanted to spend his time off with her, his eyes drifted over to the fireplace. "Maybe we could stay here a bit longer, sit beside the fire."   
Kathryn aloud herself to smile properly at him. "I'd like that very much." When he smiled back at her, a genuine smile, she felt sure everything was going to be ok with them.


	14. Chapter 14

One Month Later.

4 days he had been on that planet, 4 days of fighting people he had been convinced were his enemy by another species who were at war with them. Forced into someone else's war, and at the end not really knowing what the truth was. Chakotay now sat in his dimly lit quarters, having been back on Voyager for a day, the Doctor told him take at least two days off work, not that he was physically injured, it was more for the psychological wounds he had endured. He hadn't heard the door chime, not the first time, the second time nor the third, he didn't even hear the hissing of his doors opening and closing. It wasn't until she spoke he even knew she was standing behind him.  
"Chakotay?"   
The sound of her voice startled him, he turned around, he guessed she must have just gotten off duty as she was still in her uniform. "Kathryn, I didn't hear you."  
"I got worried, I hope you don't mind me coming in." She kept her voice soft, since he'd left sickbay in the morning she hadn't heard from him.  
He motioned to the sofa beside him, she accepted his invite. "I've felt better." He sighed, the events still affecting him. "I keep playing it back through my mind, could I have done something different, could I have fought their mind control."  
Kathryn grasped hold of his hands, making him look at her. "Chakotay there was nothing else you could have done, you didn't know and did what anyone else would have done in your position."  
"Maybe. That doesn't make it any easier though." Chakotay then yawned. "Sorry, as you can imagine I haven't slept well these past few days."  
Kathryn nodded. "I'll leave you too it, get a good nights rest and I'll see you tomorrow." As she stood Chakotay tightened his grip slightly, causing her to stop.  
"Stay. I don't want to be alone." He admitted, he needed her calming presence with him. "Will you just lay beside me please?"   
"Of course I will." Kathryn sat back down. "I'll do whatever you want as long as you're happier."   
"So are you cooking or should I?" Chakotay asked trying to lighten the mood.  
"I think you should, the replicators still have not forgiven me." she laughed, a laugh that was healing to his soul, one that he had missed during his time away from her.  
That's how they spent the night, eating the dinner Chakotay cooked, before cuddling up on his sofa and just talking, then they when to his room for the night holding each other. Occasionally he would shout out in his sleep and she would stroke his face and soothed him until he settled again, it didn't bother her at all, she just wanted her Chakotay back. 

Two Months Later

Kathryn walked out of her bathroom drying her newly cut hair with a towel when her door chimed. She groaned, not sure if Chakotay was early or if she was running late, she has a feeling it was the latter.  
"Come in." She shouted from her bedroom, tossing her towel aside. She heard the doors open and close as she pulled on her long sleeve grey top over her tank. "I'm in here." She called, picking up her jacket and putting that on.   
She'd just finished buttoning it up when he appeared at the door. "Ready?"   
"Almost." She grabbed her shoes and socks from beside the bed and slipped them on. The past week has been tough for Voyager and her crew, constantly under attack from the Krenim, Kathryn had actually thought they would have to abandon ship, or it would be destroyed. Now the crew needed something to celebrate, something to enjoy and lift their morale - and it just happened to be her birthday. So they organised a party, it had meant to be a surprise, but she'd managed to get it out of Chakotay when she wanted to do something alone with him. He promised they wouldn't stay long then they'd go to the holodeck. She looked over at him, surprised to find him staring. "Chakotay?"  
"Your hair. When did you get it cut?" He followed her as she past him into the living area.  
"Earlier today, I thought it'd be more manageable." She attached her combadge to her blouse.  
Chakotay laughed. "You said that the last time you got it cut."   
"Well, this is more manageable." She turned to him and put out her hand which he took. "Let's go, we got guests waiting."

An hour into the party, Kathryn had mingled with most of the crew that had attended, when she found herself standing beside Seven of Nine.   
"Happy birthday, Captain." The words were clearly strange on the former Borg drones tongue, but it pleased Kathryn to know she was making an effort to fit in and be more human. Though Seven stood with her hair tied in a neat bun, her skintight catsuit with her hands clasped behind her back.  
"Thank you Seven. How are you enjoying the party?" Kathryn glanced around the room, catching Chakotays eye, he was stood next to the galley, taking to B'Elanna and Tom, she smiled at him, wishing she could grab his hand and get away from everyone.  
"Captain?" Sevens voice interrupted her thoughts.  
Kathryn looked at the other woman to find she was stood facing her, a slight annoyance shadowed her expression, Seven had noticed where Kathryn had been staring. "I'm sorry Seven, you were saying?" *how much longer do I have to stay here?*  
Seven didn't hesitate in her answer, but she didn't repeat what she had been saying. "State the nature of your relationship with Commander Chakotay."   
Kathryn was thankful she hadn't been drinking at that time, she was sure she would have choked on it. "Excuse me?" No one had ever questioned her relationship with Chakotay, at least not directly to her, sure there had been rumours to start with, but she had thought they'd be old news by now. But then old news was new news to Seven.  
"The nature of your relationship with the Commander. I have noticed that you are constantly seeking him out when you enter a room, and vise-versa. You are always looking towards him, and him at you. And then there is the speculation amongst the crew......"  
Kathryn cut her off, putting up hand to indicate she'd had enough, slightly irritated. "Seven, Chakotay is nothing more than a friend, one who I trust and care for deeply, but that does not mean my relationship with him is different to that of any other member of this crew." Kathryn took a deep breath, she was lying, she just hoped it didn't show, Seven was one who easily picked up body language, as her questioning had shown. She hoped Seven also picked up the conversation should end.  
Seven however did not relent. "Stardate 49690.1 you and the Commander were left stranded on a planet, what was the nature of relationship then?"   
"That's enough, Seven." Kathryn barked, noticing the small group stood behind Seven glance at them before shuffling away. She stood closer to the taller woman, not wanting to draw any more attention to them, then firmly told her. "This questioning is over." She then turned and stormed over to Chaktays group, who had been joined by the Doctor.  
"Captain, may I wish you a happy....." The Doctor didn't get to finish his well wishes, as Kathryn interrupted him.  
"Thank you. But I came over here to say, I'm leaving now. Doctor, maybe you should add how the ranks work to Seven in her next lesson." Kathryn said in a hurry, the group gave her a worried look, before she continued. "Well, good night." With that she walked out of the mess hall.  
Chakotay watched her leave, before turning to look at Seven, who was watching him.


	15. Chapter 15

Kathryn had shed her uniform as soon as she had entered her quarters, something that she normally did when frustrated with the day. Sevens bombardment of questions had annoyed her, Seven was after all new here, she knew she should let it slide, and that made her more angry. Her clothes laid in a heap on her bedroom floor as she rummaged through her dresses, trying to find something nice for her date with Chakotay. Date, she mused, they had had many 'dates' but they were never officially called that, that would of course make it seem like they were actually dating. She chose a plain white dress, it came down to her knees and buttoned most of the way, she wasn't sure when the last time she'd worn it - or if she had at all. She slipped on a pair of sandals, ruffled her hair then stood in front of the floor length mirror, thinking on it she realised she hadn't worn this dress before, though it was one she had replicated earlier into the journey. But then, when was the last time she wore a white dress.

=/\=

8 Months Before Voyager Leaves.

Kathryn stood in the middle of the dress shop, 3 large mirrors were before her, Phoebe standing on her left, grinning like a Cheshire Cat and squealing in delight. "Kathryn, you look stunning!"   
Kathryn had been somewhat reluctant to bring her younger sister shopping for a wedding dress, but Phoebe had insisted. Smiling at her, Kathryn looked back into the mirrors, the dress was simple, ankle length, with a low back and thin straps, the front was a patterned bodice. It was nice, simple, what she wanted. It had taking Phoebe some convincing that this was the dress for her, after trying on at least three others that Phoebe liked, but she found them too big, too grand, too unlike her.   
"May I ask, how will you be wearing your hair on the day?" The shop keeper, an older woman with greying hair but youthful features, stepped up to them.  
"I was thinking like how I have it now." Her long hair was tied up into a bun, unless she was at home, that was how she normally wore it.   
"No!" Phoebe shouted, then looked slightly embarrassed at her startled sister and shop keeper. "Sorry, it's just you have beautiful hair." She looked at the other woman. "She has the most lovely long hair. You won't be hiding it up in your tight bun. Wear it down, put half of it in a plait, just don't wear the bun of steel. Please." Phoebe was now stood in front of Kathryn, almost begging her. Phoebe had always loved Kathryn's hair, unlike her hair which was brown and curly, as a child she'd spent ages brushing Kathryn's long auburn hair.  
Kathryn sighed, but Phoebe did have a point, her hair down would look nicer, she nodded in agreement. "I'll wear it down."   
The shop keeper smiled. "Let me go find something for you." Then she disappeared into anther part of the shop.   
Phoebe was beaming, Kathryn could feel the happiness radiating from her younger sister, she was clearly enjoying this more then Kathryn was. "How did you feel, when you were trying on your dress?" Kathryn hadn't been there to help Phoebe with her wedding three years earlier, she had been on a exploration mission, though she made it back for the wedding itself, she'd missed the preparation of it. Right now, Kathryn was feeling indifferent, there was some excitement, some happiness bubbling inside her, but things with Mark were still rocky, issues with her career and family still kept coming up. Phoebe had married into Starfleet, though it was never a career choice for her, she painted and sold her pictures. But she had married straight to the top - Admiral John Underwood, 20 years older then her, they now had a son, Cody, who just turned two.  
"Of course I was nervous, you're going to be. But I was happy." Phoebe paused for a moment, studying Kathryn. "More happy then you are right now it seems."  
It didn't surprise Kathryn that Phoebe could tell something was wrong, she sighed. "Mark wants to start a family."  
"But you don't?" Phoebe knew Kathryn had always been career minded, even though she was a great Auntie to Cody, it'd never come as a surprise that Phoebe would be the mother out of them.  
Kathryn gave a little shrug. "It'd be easier I guess if I was Captain, then I'd be able to choose my missions more. I'd be able to take time off. I can't risk having a child now, and not get my promotion." Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose, her other hand resting on her hip. "I just wish he wouldn't pressure me."  
"Then tell him." Phoebe gathered Kathryn's hands into hers. "Tell him. Otherwise it's going to tear you apart. And you never know, that promotion might just be around the corner." She smiled.  
Kathryn looked stunned. "Huh?"  
Phoebe leaned in closer, the good thing about being married to an Admiral was sometimes she heard things first, especially where they concerned her sister. "Top secret, but there's talks of making you captain soon, for a mission. But that's all I know."  
Before Kathryn could say anything, the shop keep strolled back to them, a veil in her hand. "Let's see what this looks like on you."  
They took the pins out of her hair and set the simple headband on top of her head, the white cloth falling down to her waist. As Kathryn stood, admiring her reflection, she thought for a second that maybe everything would sort itself out. If Phoebe was right, then maybe she could still have a family after her wedding and promotion. Maybe.

=/\=

Present Day

Kathryn sat on the boat on lake George with Chakotay, the brightness of the full moon shone down on them, lighting up the lake, it's reflection sparkling. Every now and then the sounds of fish jumping and frogs croaking would break through the chirping of the crickets. Kathryn looked over at Chakotay, the moon light reflecting on his face brightened his smile. He was wearing a simple beige button up top and brown pants.  
'Refill?' He asked holding up the bottle of champagne.   
Kathryn, who had been half lead down, sat up and held out her glass. "Just one more." They had brought a blanket with them and a picnic, of which they had eaten, but neither was in any hurry to leave.   
Filling up their glasses, Chakotay then set the bottle to one side. "You know, I do have a birthday present for you." He open the picnic basket and pulled out a small box with a bow stuck to the top of it.  
Kathryn put her glass down, as he handed it to her. "Chakotay, you didn't need to." She pulled the bow off, as he just smiled at her, then stroked the purple velvet top before opening it. Inside was a silver pocket watch, attached to a silver chain, very simple in its design, black hands with matching Roman numbers. Kathryn caught her breath. "Chakotay, it's beautiful."  
"It's a replica of a pocket watch worn by Captain Cray, a sailing ship captain who got his lost crew back home." Chakotay informed her, watching as she played with it, running her fingers over every part of the item. "Captain Cray was an officer in the British Royal Navy during the 19th century. While on a voyage, his ship was hit by a typhoon in the Pacific Ocean, and everyone back in England thought the ship would never return. Eight months later, Cray and his crew sailed into London harbor, with the remains of his tattered ship, consisting of only a few planks and half a sail, according to some accounts." Her attention was now fully on him as he recalled the tale. "I thought after everything we've been through, it seemed fitting."  
Kathryn was lost for words, they'd always exchanged presents at Christmas and birthdays, but they were only small gifts, nothing this grand. "Chakotay this must have cost you months of rations."  
Chakotay chuckled, trust her that that would be the one thing she worried about. "Kathryn, you're worth it. You mean everything to me and I wanted you to have something that showed it."  
Kathryn was choked on his words, she hadn't been sure how he felt after everything that had happened, an overwhelming happiness filled her. Putting the watch carefully back in its box, she cupped his face in her hands and gazed into his eyes, before leaning in and pressing her lips against his.


	16. Chapter 16

2 Months Later

Kathryn stepped out of the turbolift, her heart pounding. They had just received a distress call from Tom Paris, him, Chakotay and Neelix had been on an away mission, collecting samples of protomatter from a class 1 nebula. When they had arrived at the shuttle, the primary systems were offline and they had only picked up two life signs. Of course she didn't want any of her crew injured, or worse, but she was panicked that it was Chakotays life sign they hadn't pick up. What if he had died? How would the crew cope without him? How would she cope without him? She couldn't imagine not having him in her life, somebody else sitting by her side on the bridge. She quickened her pace, trying not to break out into a run, then bursting through the sickbay doors. Relief washed over her when she saw Chakotay standing at the biobed, she wanted to cry with happiness, to rush over to him and embrace him. Instead, Kathryn straightened herself a little, composed her emotions and walked to where him, Tom and the Doctor were standing, as though she hadn't been terrified for his life.   
She stood with the three men, all looking grimly down at Neelixs lifeless body, guilt washed over her, for being more concerned with the man she loved and momentarily forgetting about the other people she cared about.  
"I ran a complete postmortem analysis. There was nothing you could have done." The Doctor informed them.   
"I knew we were too close to the protomatter. I should have said something." Tom was clearly angry and blaming himself.  
Chakotay tried to reassure the younger man. "Nobody could have predicted this, Tom."  
"How shall I..... proceed?" The Doctor asked, having no information of Talixan culture in his database.   
Kathryn remembered a conversation she had with Neelix, it was not long after her near death experience. It was late, everyone who wasn't working the night shift would have been asleep, but not her, and for whatever reason, not Neelix. They'd been sat in the mess hall, when he'd asked about human burials, what would of happened if she had died, how would they have honoured her. She in return had asked about Talixan beliefs and what they did to mourn the passing of a love one. "The Talaxians mourn their dead for a full week, in a specific burial ceremony. And that's just what we're going to do." She rested her arms on the edge of the biobed, hands clasped together looking down at the body of her friend. What would she have done if it hadn't been Neelix, if she'd been staring down at Chakotays body?  
"I'll inform the crew." Chakotay said, waking her from her trailing thoughts.  
Kathryn nodded very slightly, grateful that he offered to do the one thing she hated to do. "I'll check Neelix's personal database, see what I can find out about the ceremony. We'll have it in the mess hall. Somehow that feels appropriate." She had now walked around to stand between Tom and Chakotay, resting a hand on a shoulder of theirs, trying to comfort them, when the sickbay doors whooshed open and Seven hurried in.  
"Neelix is dead?" Her tone, though cold, had a sense of urgency.   
The group was disbursing, heading for the door, when they stopped at her question. Kathryn replied. "I'm afraid so."  
"His neural pathways, are they intact?" Seven turned her attention to the Doctor as if not hearing what Kathryn had said.   
"Yes, but there's no metabolic activity." The Doctor informed her.  
"How long has he been dead?" Seven asked no one in particular.  
Kathryn walked up to her. "Seven, I understand-"  
"How long?" Seven interrupted.  
Chakotay was the one who answered, as him and Tom also moved to stand closer. "It's been eighteen hours."   
"Then it's not too late to reactivate him." Seven informed them, as if Neelix was nothing more then a Borg drone.  
"What are you saying? You can bring Neelix back to life?" Tom asked, hope rising in his voice, and clearing showing on he's face.   
"That's precisely what I'm saying." Seven told him, before continuing to address the rest of the group. "The Borg have assimilated species with far greater medical knowledge than your own. We are capable of reactivating drones as much as seventy three hours after what you would call death."  
"Neelix wasn't a Borg drone." Chakotay stated, not wanting to get his hopes up if it didn't work.  
"We will adapt." A common phase throughout the collective.  
By now the doctor was interested and starting to think of ways to make it work, and the paper he could write on it after "What does this procedure involve?"  
"Nanoprobes are used to reverse cellular necrosis, while the cerebral cortex is stimulated with a neuroelectric isopulse." Seven inform the doctor as he was the only one who could do the procedure.  
"But there's nothing left to stimulate. His brain functions are gone." The doctor said hurrying toward his office, Seven on his heels.  
"Doctor." Kathryn said, stopping them in their tracks, they turned to face her. "Keep me informed." The Doctor nodded, then him and Seven disappeared into the adjoining room, frantically discussing their plan of action. Kathryn looked at the two men stood beside her. "Well, if you guys are feeling up to it, I suggest we head back to the bridge."   
As they headed out the door, Tom come to a halt, making Kathryn and Chakotay also stop and look at him. "Captain...."  
Kathryn knew what he wanted to say, that it was his fault, that he was sorry, she placed a hand on his shoulder. "Tom, there was nothing you could do. Accidents happen on away missions."  
Tom let out a deep breath, nodding. "Maybe. I hope Sevens plan work. I'll meet you on the bridge." With that Tom left, heading for the turbolift.  
Kathryn turned to Chakotay, finding herself standing very close in front of him, without a second thought she threw her arms around his neck, pulling him into her. "I thought I'd lost you, that I was never going to see you again." She blinked back the tears that were starting to form.  
Chakotay, taken by surprise, slowly wrapped his arms around her waist. Though Kathryn had sometimes did openly show affection for him in public, it'd never been quite like this - anyone could walk through the corridor and see them. "I'm not going anywhere just yet." Her hold on him tightened, he pressed his lips against her forehead before she drew back, nodded then straightened her jacket. "Make sure that you don't. Now let's go."


	17. Chapter 17

Something was in her mouth. And her nose. She couldn't breathe, she was suffocating. She coughed. A sudden intake of cold substance made her choke, gasping, she tried sucking in air but instead ingested whatever that cold substance was, wishing she could once more return to the cocoon of unconscious. As she lifted her head a realisation dawned on her: she had been lying facedown in a snow bank. Soft white crystals stuck to her face, obscuring her vision. She brushed away at her eyes, so she could see again.   
Debris of a small space ship were strewn around the vast, ice-ridden landscape; for as far as she could see, everything was white, even the horizon blended into the pale grey sky. She sat up and let out a cry; bones were certainly broken. She moved slightly, trying to get her bearings and realised she was sat on the rear empennage of the ship. She had no idea how she'd got to this snowy wilderness. She couldn't remember what had led to her present pain-racked and cold state. Questions raced through her mind. Where was she? What ship was now in pieces surrounding her? Were there others?   
Overcome with dizziness, she lowered her head, trying to keep the blood flowing to her head. She couldn't think properly, confused as to what she should do next. Lie down again? She started to put her head back down on to the snowy pillow, deciding it was better to be staring into blackness then stare, bewildered into this harsh landscape, when part of the terrain caught her eye. A jagged iceberg from.... from.... She wasn't sure if it coming out of the ground or if there was water. It sat there, tilting at an angle. She was certain it was an iceberg, and not another strange formation that dotted the surroundings. Nonetheless, it was becoming important to her that she be absolutely certain she was looking at an iceberg.   
Forcing herself to her feet, she shuddered as the pain seared though her with every moment, but she stood, feeling light-headed. Gradually, the world stopped turning and she forced her eyes to focus on the object she was trying to verify. There indeed was water surrounding it, a small, dark, glassy pool, it seemed very out of place, there was no sea or ocean here, just this little pool that bubbled around the shard of ice. So was it in face an iceberg?  
She took a step, nearly collapsing back into the blanket of snow. Something was broken - leg, ankle, she couldn't pinpoint what, but she wasn't about to let it stop her. With each agonising step, her mind fixated more intently on her task. What was this mad determination to prove an iceberg was an iceberg? She knew she had to get herself functioning, treat her wounds and get shelter; she'd be dead from hypothermia before long if she simply stood, staring at her iceberg.  
She looked around at the scattered debris; only one section was intact - the empennage she'd been sat on.   
What ship was it?  
Where was the main cabin?  
Who was the pilot?  
What was the last thing she remembered before waking in this vast, ice-shrouded wilderness, obsessing over an iceberg?  
Then it hit her, like a hideous spectre that looms in nightmares, stood dancing before her, monstrous and obscene.   
Her father. Her husband-to-be. They were in the cabin of the ship. And they were now entombed beneath that ravaged sheet of ice.  
Her mind became lucid, she knew with awful clarity what she had to do. Lifting her broken leg, she stamped it onto the ground, gently at first, then harder and harder, until the pain obliterated her consciousness.   
As she sank to the ice, just before darkness overwhelmed her once more, she realised that her iceberg was gone. It had melted from the heat of the smoking water, disappearing forever to join Justin and her father in their dark and lonely grave.

=/\=

"Kathryn!"  
Kathryn was jerked from her daydream by the sharp tone of Chakotays voice, her head snap in his direction, that was when she realised silent tears were running down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away, hoping he wouldn't ask why she was crying, clearing her throat she said. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in. Is everything alright?"  
Chakotay stood for a moment, observing her, he wasn't going to ask why she was crying, he knew that she'd tell him in time, if she wanted too. "I did come to make sure you were fine. I know what happened with Neelix shook you up, as it has with the rest of the crew." He made to add the last part, knowing that she would reply with something similar.   
Kathryn, now fully composed, nodded. "I'm fine Chakotay. I was lost in thought, but I'm fine now, thank you." She stood and, walking to where he was standing, stopped in front of him. "I thought I'd lost you, I thought I was going to see you lying on that biobed, that I was never going to see you again." She blinked back new tears, promising herself that she wouldn't cry again. "Sometime ago, I told you I couldn't imagine a day without you, I meant it, Chakotay. I can't picture my life without you in it."  
Before she could carry on talking, Chakotay wrapped her in a tight hug, pulling her close to him. "You won't ever have to Kathryn, I will always be here for you, no matter what."  
He placed a kiss on her forehead, as Kathryn nuzzled her face against his chest, breathing in his scent, thinking of what happened to the last man to say that to her.


	18. Chapter 18

3 Months Later

Kathryn's heart pounded as her ready room doors whooshed shut behind her, in her hand she held a padd that contained her first letter from home. After weeks of tinkering with an ancient relay network, and fending off the Hirogen, they were able to contact Earth, receiving letters from home. They'd even managed to send the Doctors program all the way back to the Alpha Quadrant, who then gave Starfleet an update on their situation and reassure families that loved ones where still alive. She clutched the padd tighter to her chest, as if someone might try and take it from her, as if it wasn't real and it might disappear any second. She had already seen who it was from - Mark, her husband. When Neelix had told her there was a letter for her, she'd gotten her hopes up that it might be her mum, or her sister. It wasn't that she was disappointed it was him and not them, it was just a reality check that she still had a husband. Letting out a deep breath, Kathryn walked over to the sofa by the window and sat down, taking another deep breath before putting the padd in front of her to start reading.   
"Kathryn Janeway from Mark Johnson. Dear Kathryn, I was just remembering about the birth of Mollie's puppies and how long ago that seemed. You should see how big they are now and how well they get along with my new kitten." Kathryn smiled at the thought of her Irish Settler, it seemed only yesterday she had her last conversation with Mark, before they'd left Deep Space Nine. He had told her that Mollie was expecting, and he'd look after her, even though he wasn't a dog person, it made her happy to know that he'd kept his word, and then took on the puppies as well, until he could find them new homes. "Things at work are still crazy; the production schedule never seems to let up...however I do need to relate some rather difficult news...since you've been gone, it's been so difficult for me to assume..." Kathryn's smile slowly faded as her read on, the letter becoming a haze, only bits of it stood out. "Thought you were dead" "started dating" "we got married"   
Kathryn looked up from the padd, her eyes watery, the padd slowly fell from her hand, tumbling to the floor. Mark had moved on, married a co-worker. For a split second, anger swelled up inside of her, how could he just move on and forget her? Did he not love her? But no sooner had it appeared, it went, she couldn't be angry with him, they hadn't seen each other in 4 years, everyone had thought they were dead, it wouldn't have been fair on him to be married to a supposably ghost. And she had to admit she would have done the same in his shoes. But if she thought about, hadn't she already? Hadn't she given up on their marriage back on New Earth, given up on ever seeing him again? No matter how much she tried to rationalise it, it still hurt. Picking up the padd, she read through the letter once more, but this time there was no feeling of anger, no tears, she was just glad Mark had found his happiness, even if she felt like she'd yet to completely find hers.

A couple of hours later Kathryn was sat back in her ready room, reading through reports, when her door chimed. "Come in."   
Chakotay walked in, stopping in front of her desk and handing a padd over. "Looks like Tuvok and Seven pulled it off. The containment field has stabilised quite a bit. B'Elanna says she'd downloading the letters much more easily now."  
Kathryn smiled, skimming through the padd. "That's good news."   
Chakotay said. "We don't have the shuttle on sensors yet, but they should be back soon. "  
"I've learned a few interesting things about that relay station. It's generating as much energy every minute as a typical star puts out in a year." Kathryn informed him.  
"It's amazing to me, that someone a hundred thousand years ago was harvesting microsingularities." Chakotay told her.  
Kathryn nodded in agreement. "If nobody shows up to protest, I'd like to stay here for a while. Try to find the answers to some of these questions. This is the kind of archaeological puzzle that's always fascinated me." She got up and headed toward the replicator. "Want a cup?" She offered.   
Chakotay answered, shifted to face her. "No, thanks." There was a moments pause before he asked. "You haven't mentioned your letter. Who was it from?"  
Kathryn took her cup of black coffee, holding in tight in her hands, before slowly turning around to him. "It was from Mark. He told me about the litter of puppies my dog had, and how he found homes for them. How devastated he was when Voyager was lost." She tried to keep her emotions in check, not letting her feelings from earlier get the better of her. "How he held out hopes we were alive longer than most people did until he realised that he was clinging to a fantasy. So he began living his life again. Meeting people, letting go of the past. About four months ago, he married a woman who works with him. He's very happy."   
"How do you feel about that?" Chakotay dared to ask.  
Kathryn took a deep breathe, she should have known that he would ask how she was feeling. "Well, I knew he'd eventually move on with his life. But there was such a finality to that letter." She looked straight at him. "It's over, he's moved on, I guess in a way so have I. But that doesn't stop it hurting any less." She put her cup down on the coffee table and stepped closer to him, not really sure if she needed comfort from him, but she knew she wanted to be closer to him. She opened her mouth, wanting to tell him how she felt, to open fully to him, but those three words got caught in her throat.   
Then her combadge chirped. "Kim to the captain. Can you come to the bridge?"  
Kathryn nodded. "On my way." She sighed, duty called, as normal at the wrong time.  
Chakotay reached out and place a hand on her shoulder. "Some words are best left unspoken, until the right time."   
Kathryn forced a smile, he was right, now wasn't the right time, and together they left the ready room.


	19. Chapter 19

2 Months Later

"Do you love her?"  
Chakotay paused, his fork in midair, his mouth gaping open. It was a simple question, but the more it raced through his mind, the more he realised the answer was more complexed. He slowly lowered his hand back to the table, letting out a breath, thinking maybe he should have just shoved the salmon in his mouth and given him more time to think. Did he love her? He cared deeply about her, but it wasn't the same. Kellin had boarded Voyager a few days ago, claiming to have been onboard a month ago, though no one could remember, due to a pheromone her species produced that blocks the long-term memory engrams of others. They connected, not deeply like him and Kathryn did, and not like he and Riley had done, even though that was based on Borg manipulation, he had cared for her. Kellin had said she fell in love with him, which is why she had returned to Voyager, but he wasn't sure if he was at the same level as her.   
"Honestly, I'm not sure." He finally answered. "I care about her, and clearly something happened between us last time she was here."  
He watched Kathryn shift in her chair, as she picked up a bread roll and tore a bit of, scrutinising him. "She loves you?"  
Chakotay was grateful he managed to eat his food, though he knew Kathryn would of course be curious and ask questions, he hadn't thought it would make him this uncomfortable. But then he never thought he'd be having a conversation with his.... Girlfriend? About another woman in his love. "She says she does, yes." He replied.   
"What will happen if she stays?"   
Chakotay wished he could be anywhere but sat in her quaters, and avoid the questioning. He didn't know how to answer the last question, he didn't know how she meant it. What will happen between him and Kellin? What would happen with them? He knew if Kellin stayed it would put a end to their relationship, but had she ever considered them to be a real relationship? Had he? He loved Kathryn deeply, though they had never said those three words, but theirs was not a normal relationship, and he doubt it ever would be. Though she had broken Starfleet protocol just by sleeping with him, he knew she couldn't break it further and have an open relationship with him. "I don't know, there's still a chance her people might find her and she'll be forced to go back."  
He watched as she pushed her finished meal away from her and picked up her glass of wine, taking a sip, her eyes never left him. Putting her glass back down, she then repeated her question. "And if she stays?"  
What else could he say, he didn't know what would happen if Kellin stayed. "We'll cross that bridge if and when we get to it."  
Her eyes narrowed, she was giving him a mild version of her death glare, of course that answered wouldn't make her happy, she liked definite answers, and 'maybes' and 'we'll see'. She then stood and took their empty plates to the replicator, "Coffee?" She threw over her shoulder.  
"Tea please." He got up and moved over to the sofa, wanting to get away from the table and get more relaxed. She walked over, placing his cup on the coffee table she then proceeded to sit opposite him. He picked up his tea and took a sip, noting that she was still watching him, probably brewing up her next question.   
"Do you love me?"   
Her voice was quite, but the question rang loud in his head. He did love her, back on New Earth he'd loved her like he had never loved anyone before. He'd never had those strong feelings in his life before. But now, with Kellin, he wasn't sure, even without Kellin, things had changed since those early days. "I'll always love you, no matter what. But Kellin, she...." He drifted off, wondering if he finished the sentence it'd hurt her.  
"She can give you a real relationship that I can't?" She finished for him.  
When it was finally spoken aloud, it cut at him, he would have given anything to be with Kathryn, but he'd known, since they left New Earth, it was never going to be. He wasn't sure if it was something she wanted, and convinced herself she couldn't, or if this was all just some fun for her. "She might not even stay." He shrugged, then decided he was going to take a chance, and ask her. "Do you love me?"  
Chakotay watched as she pursed her lips, as though she was annoyed by him asking, but after a moment she replied. "I will always love you, too."  
He waited for more, but that seemed to be it, she had nothing else to say. Throughout their time together they'd never said 'I love you' to each other, and now the whole conversation was awkward and uneasy.   
She put her untouched coffee on the table, making him move his gaze from the floor back to her. "I've got an early start tomorrow morning."  
The dismissal took him by surprise, was she really that uncomfortable with him right now that she was just going to boot him out? Chakotay put his cup beside hers. "Of course." He stood, expecting her to stand as well, to show him out, like she always did, instead she remained sitting.   
"Good night, Chakotay." Her voice was once again timid, the conversation clearly having gotten to her.  
"Sweet dreams, Kathryn." He paused for a second, but when her usual reply of 'you too' didn't come, he turned and headed for the door. Once they shut behind, he took a couple of steps then looked back, this was not how he wanted the night to end. This was not how he wanted them to end, if that's what had just happened. Sighing, he slowly walked to his quarters, hoping that sleep, and time would sort things out.

Kathryn watched as the doors closed, she let out a deep breathe, then put her head in her hands, the tears that she had been holding back now over-spilling, running down her cheeks.


	20. Chapter 20

1 Month Later

Kathryn sat down on the rock beside her, holding her container, wiping sweat from her brow and casting a glance around, taking in her surroundings. The main colour reminded her of rust brown, it was dusty and rocky, with a handful of green thrown in. The sun was shining bright, that she'd undone her jacket to try and cool off, but to no avail. When they had arrived at the planet, a few hours ago, scans had shown vegetation, so she put together groups and beamed down to find out if they could gather anything useful. Her team consisted of lower ranking members of the crew, but after the last few weeks they had, thinking they'd found a way home that turned out to be a trip, she'd granted shore leave to everyone. So most people took up the offer, and used their time to look for supplies as well. She dropped her container of green berries into a little crate that sit on the floor by her feet, looking around again; four members of her group were just behind her, engaging in what looked like a humorous conversation, in front of her, a young ensign was walking toward her, holding a large round.... Fruit, she guessed. Ensign Matthew Jones, one of Tuvoks security members, was originally from Australia; he reminded her a little of Harry Kim, so eager to please. His normally wide smile had grown when she put him on her team, after Tuvoks insistence that she should take a security member with her, it was also contagious; Kathryn found herself smiling even now.  
"Captain, I found a load of these, few meters that way." His thick Australian accent hadn't weakened even four years in the Delta Quadrant. He pointed over to some shrubby, where she could see the large yellow fruits growing. "I was wondering if you wouldn't made giving me a hand picking some, please?"   
"Of course." She stood, picking up a crate as she did, and fell instep beside him as the headed toward the shrub. "Have you received a letter from your family?" She asked, referring to his wife and 3 children, back home in New York. Though she couldn't recall their names, Kathryn knew they were all girls.  
"Yeah, Milly, my eldest has been accepted into -" His sentence was cut off by a rumbling in the ground, everything around them shook.  
Kathryn's heart pounded in her ears. She opened her mouth to warn him, to beg him to return to the safety of the group. Before even a syllable could escape her lips, the dry, rocky ground, roared beneath her. She stumbled backward and watched in horror as Matthew tumbled into the black abyss. She threw herself forward, managing to grab his left wrist tightly, before he was lost to her, hoping that his weight wouldn't drag her over the newly made cliff edge. She strained to keep her grasp on him as looked over her shoulder, but she no longer could see the rest of the group. She was about to shout, scream, anything to get some help, when his voice caught her attention.  
"Captain." His voice was raspy, she could see he was trying to find something to dig his feet into, or to rest them on, all he was achieving was making it difficult for her to keep hold of him. "Tell my family I love them."  
"No, no, no." She found herself repeating, shaking her head at him, there was no way she would let him died, not while she had hold of him. "You can tell them in your next letter. Try not to move so much!" She watched as he stared down at the blackness beneath them, then back up at her. She wanted to inch herself forward, maybe she could get hold of him with her other hand, then pull him up.  
"Captain, the ground is too unstable! We'll both die!" Though he shouted at her, his tone wasn't angry, it was more pleading. He knew, as did she deep down, that the ground could give way, that they could both fall to their deaths.  
No, that wasn't an option. "Help!!" She shouted as best as she could over her shoulder. "Help!"  
Then the ground shook again, the earth beneath her shoulder gave way, rocks crumbling below. The weight in her arm was now lighter, she heard a scream - whose scream she wasn't sure. She looked down she watched in horror, even in slow motion, as Matthew fell into the pitch black; her arm still stretched out, as though in a futile attempt to save him. His expression had been one matching hers - eyes and mouth wide open in terror. 

=/\=

2 Weeks Later

"Computer, turn off alarm." Kathryn grumbled, as she laid in bed longer then what she usually did. The past two weeks were catching up with her, Matthew dying, for which she blamed herself, then the past week they'd been travelling through a part of space with no stars, planets, nothing. It made for a very bleak view out her windows. She felt anger surge through her as it had done since Matthews death, whilst she couldn't be absolutely sure if he'd let go of her, or if she'd lost her grasp on him, it didn't matter; either way it was her fault, she should have tried harder to save him. She threw back the covers, slowly making herself get out of bed, her body feeling weighed down by her mind. She thought about having a bath, but that would require to much energy, so she decided on a sonic shower instead. "Computer, active sonic shower." Her tone was dreary, as she stripped off her nightie and underclothes, and made her way to the bathroom. She didn't stay in there for long, and was thankful she didn't have to dry herself - and especially her hair. She picked out fresh uniform from her drawers, and slowly changed, it wouldn't matter if she was late, it wasn't as though they would be doing anything today; or for the foreseeable future. Having gotten dressed, Kathryn walked into the living area, the blackness welcoming her through the window. "Coffee, black." She almost laughed, one thing she did like black. Taking the cup from the replicator, she went to stand in front of the window, thoughts racing through her mind. Matthew.... Thinking they'd found a home just for it to be a well laid trap..... His final expression full of terror. She couldn't do, she didn't want to do it, not now, not anymore, she'd had enough and she needed a break. Putting her cup on the table she took of her jacket and tossed it on the sofa, along with her long sleeved top. Not today, probably not tomorrow. She couldn't be captain, captains looked out for their crew, not get them standard, not get them lost - not get them killed. She picked up her coffee and took it into the bedroom, placing it on the side cabinet, she didn't care if she went back to sleep, either way she'd still see that look, it was permanently burned into her mind. She laid on top of the covers, curling up into a ball, and spent the rest of the day there, like that, just staring at her wall.

2 Months Later

Chakotay stood in her quarters, apart from being dimly lit, nothing else had changed since he'd last stepped foot in it several weeks ago. They'd spent the last two months journeying across The Void, and in that time Kathryn had become withdrawn, spending all her time here; she'd even stopped their weekly dinners after the first month. She had been standing by her window, her back to him, he badly wanted her to turn around, just so he could see her face; see if she was alright. And when she had faced him, he was surprised by her appearance, she was tired, the years looked like they were catching up with her and she'd lost weight; it may not have been apparent to everyone, but he could tell. He'd came down here to tell her about the radiation they'd found, trying to stir the captain inside her, when that didn't work he offered her a game of velocity, she'd turned him down. Then he was bluntly honest with her and told her she'd picked a bad time to isolate herself from the crew, her was response was she was catching up on some reading. But then she'd been honest with him, that she almost longed for the days they were under constant attack, everything for a little distraction so there wasn't time to stop and think - more specifically how they ended up stranded in the Delta Qudrant. Then she asked him, "how did we end up here, Chakotay?" He'd hesitated, not sure what she wanted to hear, not sure what she needed to hear, but he answered her, "We were faced with a difficult choice. We had the means to get home but using it would've put an innocent people at risk, so we decided to stay." But she had argued with him, putting the blame solely on herself, that she'd made the choice for everyone. He'd tried to reassure her, that they were alive, that their mission had been a success just by the amount of data they had gathered for Starfleet.   
"The very same words I've been telling myself for the past four years. But then we hit this Void, and I started to realise how empty those words sound."  
Then she snapped.  
"I made an error in judgment, Chakotay. It was short-sighted and it was selfish, and now all of us are paying for my mistake." Her voice, though not shouting, was raised as she snapped at him. Chakotay didn't know what to say to her outburst, even if he did she didn't give him time as she went on. "People - good people - have died because of me. Cavit, Hogan, Kes.... Jones. All good people who didn't deserve to die. And it's my fault that their dead. It's my fault families have been torn apart, my fault Chakotay, no one else's but mine." He could see they anger, the guilt flaring in her eyes, her teeth gritted she as spat her words at him. He wanted to hold her, reassure her, comfort her, convince her that everything was alright, that none of the crew blamed her. But he couldn't, he knew better then to try and approach her, it would be like approaching a untamed wild animal and excepting it not to bite you. Her voice soften a little. "So if you don't mind, Commander, I'll pass on that little game. And I'll leave shipboard morale in your capable hands. If the crew asks for me, tell them the Captain sends her regards."  
He knew he wasn't going to win her over, she'd gone back to standing at the window, anything he said now would probably reignite the argument; so he nodded, feeling defeated, and left her quarters.


	21. Chapter 21

3 Weeks Later

Kathryn stood in her quarters, appreciating the stars passing by her window; it'd been three weeks since they'd left the void, she was starting to settle back into work, but found herself going to the bridge for an hour before shutting herself in her ready room. She would spend all day in there, doing something, or just doing nothing, missing her lunch - she still hadn't gotten her eaten to as normal as it was before - then going straight to her quarters as soon as her shift was over. She hadn't even invited Chakotay around for their weekly dinners yet, she knew she should, she missed his company, at the same time she was happy being alone. She thought back to the last time she fell into a depression, after her father and Justin had died, she'd spent months in bed, hardly eating, trying not to sleep for the dreams that plagued her, yet trying to sleep for exhaustion. It had been her sister Phoebe who had dragged her back into the real world, made her face the nightmare that she'd lost the two people she'd loved most. Forcing her to get showered and dressed, to get outside, to start eating; back then she didn't have people depending on her, not like now. Voyager didn't have a counsellor, it wasn't a requirement, not since the ship was meant for short journeys, yet even if it did, Kathryn doubted she'd would visit them, it wasn't her thing. She sighed heavily, thinking about turning in for night - once again without dinner - when the chime to her door sounded. She pursed her lips, wishing she had more than just her tank top and trousers on to receive her visitor; or just wishing whoever it was would go away. "Come in." She muttered, she'd see who it was, send them on their way, then go to bed.   
The doors opened and Chakotay entered, carrying with him a picnic basket. "I figured you haven't eaten this evening, probably not at all today." He walked to the dining table as he spoke, placing the basket on top then started to empty its contents. "So I've brought food to you."  
Kathryn stood, dumbfounded at the sight before her, completely lost for words. But the longer she stood in slience, the more stuff that came out of the basket, she had to put a stop to this. "Chakotay." Her voice was quite, but he heard her, finally glancing up at her.   
"Kathryn." It wasn't a question, more of a greeting.   
She was still hesitant, it was as though she was watching someone lay a table for the first time. "I'm sorry, but what are you doing?" Of course she knew what he was doing, but not why he was setting the table.  
"I'm serving dinner, salmon with new potatoes and vegetables." He put the basket down on the floor, placing its last contents - a bottle of wine - along side the glasses. "It is our weekly dinner."  
She nodded slightly. "Well, it all looks very delicious, but I'm going to have to decline. Thank you." The smell of the food made her painfully aware that she was actually getting hungry, having not eaten since the day before, but that was a slice of toast.  
Chakotay considered this for a moment, before pulling out his chair and sitting down, pouring himself a glass of the white wine.  
Kathryn's mouth fell open, now what did he think he was doing. Who did he think he was, inviting himself over for dinner like this. Kathryn clenched her teeth, trying not to let her anger simmer anymore then it was. "Now what do you think you're doing?"  
Chakotay chewed his mouth full of food, before answering. "I'm not letting this food go to waste, Kathryn. So you can join me and eat something, or you can stand there and watch me eat it." Without another word he tucked back into his meal.  
Kathryn glared at him, watching as he fidgeted in his seat under the weight of her stare. She'd known that he would be the one to come and save her from herself, as she'd done with him after he'd got caught up in that war, but she hadn't planned on this. After a moment she realised there wasn't much point in standing and watching him eat, so she slowly walked over and slid into the empty chair. "Happy?"   
Chakotay smiled, "I will be when you've eaten something."   
Kathryn stared down at the plate of food, noticing how her portion was considerably smaller then his, clearly not wanting to overwhelm her at this stage with their normal sized meals, which she was thankful for; though still unsure if she could even manage this. She cut off part of the fish and put it in her mouth, chewing slowly she looked back up at him, not surprised to find him already looking at her. After she'd managed to swallow her food she asked once more. "Happy?"  
Chakotay grinned, slightly shaking his head, not as an answer, but more at her attitude. He took a breath, then nodded. "It's a start." 

=/\=

3 Months Later

 

Chakotay strolled through the corridor, he was heading back to Kathryn's quarters, having left to retrieve Naomi's Flotter doll. He'd offered to look after her this evening, to give Neelix chance to have some time to himself. Voyager was on course to the planet which the Delta Flyer had crash landed on, Naomi's mother, Samantha Wildman, being one of the crew members onboard at the time. The last two days Neelix had been looking after the child himself, and was grateful for Chakotays offer. Since it was his and Kathryn's weekly dinner night, he took Naomi, along with cheeseburgers, a fish finger burger and chips, to Kathryn's quarters, who'd received them both with welcome arms. Chakotay smiled at the thought of Kathryn, hugging the little girl, in the past three months he had to admit Kathryn was becoming more like her old self, they met up for their dinners, she visited the holodeck more; and she still shut herself away in her ready room, drank too much coffee and skipped meals, but he couldn't ask for miracles.  
He held the blue toy in both his hands as he neared the door, he'd always thought that one day he would settle down and have children, but he couldn't see that happening now. Others on the ship would probably start to have families, but he wouldn't be one of them, he wouldn't be granted that blessing. Kathryn would never change her mind about how their relationship stood, she wouldn't allow herself to settle down and have children, not when she had her Voyager family to get back home. He sighed at the thought of his dream that he knew was beyond his reach. It was a future that he desperately wished for; to hear the pitter patter of his babies feet, listen to their laugh, watch them grow up and get married, but that's all it would be now, just a dream.  
He stopped outside the door, and pressed the button to open them; expecting to find them sat around the coffee table drawing. Instead he walked into the now dimly lit room to find Kathryn sat on the sofa, her eyes closed, and Naomi stretched out beside her, her head nestled on Kathryn's lap. He smiled to himself again, Naomi was the closest to their own child anyone was going to have, everyone seemed to perk up whenever she was around, she had a way to lift people's spirits; even Tuvoks. Though she was technically only two, being half Ktarian made her more advanced then a fully human toddler, she was more like a five year old child, but especially smart, with strawberry blonde hair that came down to her waist. Being the first - and so far only - child born on Voyager was tough, only a few months after she was born they had been left stranded on a hostile planet by the Kazon. But everyone, including Naomi and her mother, had adapt to her being here, if they ever made it back to Earth Chakotay knew she'd have the hardest time settling in, after never knowing the planet. He placed the stuff toy down on the coffee table, amongst the colouring pencils and paper, then gently scooped Naomi into his arms, she nuzzled into his arm as he walked to Kathryn's bedroom and laid her down on the bed. He pulled the cover over her then went back to fetch Flotter, before tucking it under her arm. Upon entering the living area, he was surprised to find Kathryn awake, albeit sleepy looking. "Sorry if I woke you." He kept his tone quite, not wanting to disturb the sleeping person in the other room.  
Kathryn shook her head. "I was only resting my eyes. Did you put Naomi to bed?" She asked as she stretched out then yawned.  
Chakotay nodded as he sat beside her. "In your bed, I hope that isn't a problem?"  
Kathryn pulled the blanket she kept on the back of the sofa down and unfolded it. "Of course not." Lying down she rest her head upon Chakotays lap. "She's a sweet young girl, very loving, very creative."  
Chakotay stroked Kathryn's hair, running his fingers through it, thinking back to when they had their conversation about children, not long after Q had proposition Kathryn. "It's not too late, you know."  
Kathryn tensed slightly, closing her eyes before speaking. "It is for me Chakotay. I have a responsibility to this crew, I can't be distraction by a child. And time is getting on, I'm not getting any younger."  
Chakotay decided not to push the subject, last time she'd pretty much kicked him out of her quarters, her mind hadn't changed since then, so there was no point in trying. "Sweet dreams, Kathryn."  
Very tiredly, she muttered. "You too."

=/\=

6 Months Before Voyager Leaves

Kathryn sat, enjoying the sun and watching Cody run around the garden, sipping her coffee. Next to her was Phoebe, drinking her water, as her son started picking up his football and throwing it before picking it up again.   
"Thank you for looking after him this morning." Phoebe said, smiling.  
Kathryn smiled back. "It was my pleasure, he's such a good boy."  
Her sister laughed. "Only for his Auntie Kathy."   
Kathryn couldn't help but grin, she loved look after her nephew, and when Phoebe said she had a doctors appointment, Kathryn jumped at the chance to babysit. Though watching him right now, the sun shining on his black hair, his brown eyes beaming - the spitting image of his father - Kathryn couldn't keep the dull ache away, the one that reminded that she did want children, but she didn't know if she wanted them with Mark; at the same time she also wanted her career.  
"I'm pregnant." Phoebe suddenly blurted out, making Kathryn almost choke on her coffee.  
"Sorry, I didn't know you were trying." Kathryn put her coffee down, and embraced Phoebe. When they had Cody, Phoebe had told her beforehand that they wanted a child, not just bringing it up out of the blue. "Congratulations."  
Phoebe giggled. "We would like a sibling for Cody. But we're not going to tell anyone until after your wedding."  
It hadn't crossed Kathryn's mind that her sisters happiness might distract from her wedding, not that she would have minded. "You will tell mom though, she'll be so happy."   
"Of course, family only." Phoebe beamed. "But it means we'll have to find a bridesmaid dress closer to the wedding, to make sure it fits over any extra weight I might have." Phoebe laughed.  
Kathryn managed a smile at the joke, but there was still that dull ache in the pit of her stomach - envy maybe, jealously?? No, she wasn't jealous of Phoebe and her happiness, after all, Kathryn had chosen her carer, and Phoebe had chosen to have a family. She still couldn't help be envious though.  
It was this moment Cody decided to run over to them, which Kathryn was thankful for. "Aunt Kathy!!" He shouted as he climbed onto her lap, and snuggled against her chest. Kathryn stroked his head as the toddler drifted off to sleep.  
"There's still time, you know." Phoebe commented.  
Kathryn nodded. "I know, one day maybe." Deep down, she knew that was possibly a lie, but one that she wasn't going to dwell on as she watched her nephew sleeping, enjoying the blissful moment.


	22. Chapter 22

Follow me on Twitter for updates on new stories, new chapters and sneak peaks!! Boo2012 @BooRG2012

=/\=

15 Years Later (Alternative Timeline)

It was dark, apart from the beam of light shinning from his wrist torch, which bounced of the icy white that covered everything, occasionally catching the silhouette of a body which he didn't linger on. Chakotay had beamed straight to the bridge after roaming what parts of the ship he could. It saddened him to see her in the sorry state she was in now, all battered, buried in a block of ice, on a forgotten about Class L planet. The once glorious Voyager, the ship that many had tried to bring down, destroyed by their own attempts at getting back to the Alpha Quadrant. He sighed as his light landed on something that caught his attention - a foot. He knew straight away it belong to her, lying at the bottom of the steps that lead to the helm, instead of in the command area. His stomach knotted, 15 years of grieve and regret threatening to spill over, though he had eventually moved on, he'd never gotten over losing her. They had never said goodbye, and when he had made it back to Earth, he still hasn't got to say his last goodbye as Starfleet had given up after 6 years of searching, so she'd be left out here, along with her crew, none of them laid to rest with their families at home. He ran the light up her body, her clothes rigid with ice, until it landed on her face. Captain Kathryn Janeway, now entombed in a thin layer of ice, her features almost peaceful, he hoped she didn't suffer when they crashed. He fought back tears, he had known seeing her would hurt the most, but if everything went according to plan, he'd see her again, she'd be alive, everyone would be alive, they'd be happy - and they'd be in love. He bent down beside her, wanting to reach out and touch her, to shake her, wake her up and bring her back to him. But this wasn't like last time she'd died, he couldn't just do CPR, hold her tight and cry in grieve, this time she was gone. Blinking back his tears, he stood, casting her one last glance before setting about the task that would reunite them.

=/\=

15 Years Earlier (Present Timeline)

The table was all set, she kept thinking that maybe she'd overdone it, candles and a small vase of flowers, but it was a special night, so surely that meant she could go fancy? The sound of the door chime interrupted the soft piano music, for a moment her heart fluttered, she shook it off, they'd had dinner loads of times, why should tonight make her feel any different? Because it was possibly their last night together, or it could be the first night of.... Forever. Forever with him. "Come in." When Chakotay walked in, Kathryn smiled, opening a bottle of wine and filling their glasses. "I hope you've got an appetite."  
"Famished," Chakotay said as he took his seat, Kathryn sitting in hers. "But I assumed you calls me here to talk about the Slipstream flight."  
Kathryn felt a little hurt by his words, it was after all their weekly dinner, why would he think that she'd cancel it just to talk about work. She shrugged, "No reason to cancel our dinner plans. I've programmed a dish my grandmother used to make back on Earth. Vegetable biryani."  
"Sounds delicious." Chakotay commented, as she served the meal, a plate of bread rolls sat to the side. "I didn't know you had been practicing your cooking."  
Kathryn sat back down, after serving his meal, and dished up hers, thinking back to when they were on New Earth, how he was going to teach her to cook, but they'd never got to do it, Voyager had turned up too soon after. Had she been practicing her cooking, no not really. "I sometimes go pass the line of a pot of coffee, but tonight is a special occasion."  
"Oh?" Chakotay questioned.  
Her heart fluttered again, the anticipation of her next words, she picked up her drink, taking a sip, finding her mouth dry. "Our last night in the Delta Quadrant. I'd say that's special enough." Last night together.... First night of forever.  
There was a slight hesitation before he answered. "You've made your decision."  
Kathryn nodded. "We launch tomorrow at oh eight hundred. You and Harry will take the Delta Flyer. Voyager will be right behind you." She handed over a Padd that had been sat on the table with all the details on.  
There was a slight pause before he answered. "The crew will be pleased." Kathryn noted that his tone didn't echo the sentiment, that his eyes shifted away from her for a moment.  
Kathryn smiled. "You can give them the news yourself." She felt her mood slip a little, the small high she'd been riding on when he arrived was deflating. "What about you, Chakotay? What do you think about my decision?"  
He sighed, skimming through the information in front of him. "I've analysed Harry's flight plan. The theory is sound, but there are just too many variables. If something goes wrong in that slipstream."  
"It could be our only chance to use the Quantum Drive." Kathryn cut in, lacing her fingers together and gently resting her chin on them.  
"True, but if you showed this data to any Starfleet engineer, they'd think we were out of our minds." He motioned to the Padd, before continuing to speak. "We can find another way home. We've waited this long."  
Kathryn shook her head, not quite believing what she'd just heard. "Long enough. We've waited long enough." She could almost feel a headache coming on just at this conversation. "I know it's a risk, probably our biggest one yet, but I'm willing to take it. Are you with me?" She knew what his answer would be, he'd always be with her, no matter what, even if they had their disagreements, he'd stick by her side.  
Chakotay smiled. "Always." He placed the Padd down on the table.  
Kathryn returned his smiled, but she had more questions, in less then a day they could be back in the Alpha Quadrant, she needed to know if he had plan, what he wanted to do when they returned, what would happen with them. But first, she tucked into her meal, letting them get some time to eat, when she finally decided to ask. "What will you do when we get back?" She felt her heart fluttering again, her mouth drying up, her fingers getting fidgety, waiting for what he might say. Last night together.... First night of forever.  
He shrugged a little. "I guess that depends on what Starfleet what to do me." His answer surprised her, she'd been so caught up in what will happen with them, that she forgot about what might happen to him. "I could step off this ship into friendly arms, be forgiven for my past and given a career in Starfleet." He paused, letting the weight of his next words sink in before even saying them. "Or I could return a traitor, have anything I've earned on Voyager stripped away and spend the rest of my life in a penal settlement."  
Kathryn suddenly felt very guilty at her selfishness, how could she have forgotten that while her future back on earth was certain, his wasn't, and neither were those of the other former Marqis members. She reached and placed her hand on top of his, giving it a recurring sqeeze. "No matter what happens, I'll stick by you, I'll fight tooth and nail to make sure you, and the other Marqis members, get recognised for you loyalty, your passion as part of this crew." She could feel her eyes watering, there was no way she'd ever let any of them be locked away, she'd died before she let that happen. "I'll make sure everyone knows how well you have all fought for this ship and her crew."  
Chakotay smiled, returning the grip she had on his hand. "What about you? What will you do?"  
Kathryn hadn't really thought about it, she hadn't really got past tonight. Last night together.... First night of forever. "I guess Starfleet will debrief me, then I'll be free to do what I want until they have something for me. I'll go see my family." She shifted, wondering if her next question would be crossing their unspoken line, but she decided to take the risk. "You can come with me, to Indiana, if you want." She'd diverted her gaze away from him, looking down at her plate for fear of rejection, she could feel his thumb running along the length of her hand.  
"I'd like that, very much." He answered, smiling at her when she finally looked up at him. "How about we finish eating and get an early night? We've got a long day tomorrow."  
Kathryn beamed at his words, glad that the evening had turned into what she hoped it'd be. First night of forever.

=/\=

15 Years Later (Alternative Timeline)

Chakotay sat in the pilot chair of the Delta Flyer, holding on to Tessas hand; the computer starting its countdown to a warpcore breach. Harry had tried sending a warning to Voyager, but as they were still here he guessed it hadn't worked, he hoped whatever Harry and the Doctor were doing now it was successful and they did it quickly.   
"Warning. Warp core breach in fifteen seconds."  
Chakotay looked over to the woman sat at his right, pain tore at his heart, when - if - everything went back to normal she'd be sat in that place again, and he'd never have met Tessa. Did he regret it? No. When he thought about it, he didn't, he needed Kathryn back, as much as he cared about Tessa, he needed Kathryn at his side again.   
"Warning. Warp core breach in ten, nine..."   
Chakotay squeezed her hand slightly, closing his eyes, thinking back to memories of Kathryn. Their first dinner. New Earth. Their first night together.   
A single tear ran down his cheek as the warpcore breached, sending the shuttle scattering into a millions pieces.


	23. Chapter 23

4 Months Later

They were walking down the corridor to the guest quarters, a security personal not far behind them. Inspector Kashyk of the Devorian Imperial. Or at least that who he was. Now he was just Kashyk, passenger seeking safe harbour aboard Voyager. They had encounter him, and many of his warships when they needed to pass through Devore space, had been boarded by him and his men whilst they ransack the ship looking for telepaths. Of course they hadn't found them, but somehow, when he asked for safe passage, he'd known about the Brenari. So she allowed him to travel with them while they looked for the wormhole that would take their stowaways out of this space and away from the Devore. They had spent the last couple of hours in the mess hall, trying to pinpoint the next location of the wormhole, when they had gotten a rough idea they'd called it a night, after watching the sky light up with colours and sharing coffee and stories. She had to admit, during those couple of hours they'd grown closer, even though she wasn't sure if she liked him or even trusted him. But there was something about Kashyk that did make her heart beat faster, make her cheeks flush red when she thought about him, there was no doubt that he was an Alpha male, the leader, and his black hair and brown eyes almost remained her of Chakotay. And working as close as they did, she caught whiffs of that manly smell, making her cheeks redden as it stirred feelings inside her. Feelings that hadn't been awoken for months... Years maybe. Her and Chakotay had gotten into a comfortable relationship, that he didn't really make her heart flutter anymore. At least not since they had dinner, thinking it was their last night in the Delta Quadrant, but she'd put that down to more anticipation of being home with him, but now, still being stranded....  
"How often does this array emit a scanning pulse?" Kathryn asked, playing with the padd she carried, pushing the thoughts aside and trying to focus on what was happening now.  
"Every forty seconds." He answered.  
"Range?" She watched him, unable to take her eyes of him, hanging on to his words.  
"Ten light years. The pulse is designed to track warp fields and impulse signatures. If we lower our power output to beneath it's detection threshold."  
Kathryn nodded and finished off his idea. "We could drift past undetected."  
"It's worth a try."  
They came to a stop outside his assigned quarters, the guard stopping with them, Kathryn suddenly felt slightly tensed, she really wanted to be alone with him, but that wouldn't look professional on her part. "Well, good night." She turned to leave when he stopped her.  
"Captain, why don't you join me? I've been looking forward to trying your replicator." Clearly he noticed her hesitation as he went on. "Well, I'm sure that I can come up with something to toast the evening. We've accomplished quite a bit today."  
Her heart sped up, was he feeling the same way as her? Well of course they had that moment in the mess hall, when he'd been sitting down and she bent down to him, there was a second when she thought she could kiss him then. But at that moment finding the wormhole had been more important. She smiled, a small regretful smile. "I'm afraid that won't be possible. I had your replicator taken offline."  
Kashyk nodded, clearly understanding her. "In case I decided to replicate a weapon."  
"A safety precaution. You understand."   
"Better than anyone." He smiled back, she was glad he wasn't angry, but disappointed she couldn't spend more time with him.  
"Sleep well."   
"And you." He replied before entering his quarters, the doors whooshing close behind him.  
Kathryn turned, as she did the security guard stood to attention, she shook her head slightly and told him. "As you were." As he relaxed she headed off, walking down the corridor, feeling.... Feeling slightly smug at the thought of another man craving her. And like a schoolgirl with a crush, her stomach knotted with butterflies. But while her heart played with her emotions, her head worked on their plan, her gut was telling her the same it had done when he first boarded Voyager; she couldn't trust him. She made her way down the corridor to her quarters, trying to keep the silly big grin off her face, she was sure people would talk already, she didn't need to add to the gossip. When she arrived at her desitation, she allowed her smile to widen as she walked into her room, but it fell almost instantly when she noticed the dinner set out on the table and Chakotay sat on her sofa. Was it their dinner day? She'd completely forgotten, being to wrapped up with Kashyk.  
"Chakotay?" It hadn't to be a question, but that was how it came out.  
"You forgot about dinner, I thought it'd be a nice surprise." He sighed, not moving from where he sat. "You are later then I planned for. I didn't want to disturb your working."   
Kathryn didn't know what to say, and stood in a stunned slience. Should she apologise? Sit down and eat the now cold meal he'd prepared for them. "It's not too late to eat something." She settled on, deciding she wasn't going to say sorry for doing her job, even if it was with a man she may not trust. 

Kathryn turned the nozzle on, warm water flowed out, running down her bare skin. She washed her face first before turning and letting the warmth run down her back and hair. As she ran her hands through her hair she became aware someone else had joined her. "I knew it wouldn't take you long to join me." Her excitement rising.  
His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her close, in return she snaked her arms round his neck. "I wouldn't miss this for the world."  
She smiled, pulling him down towards her lips, she whispered. "Kashyk."

Kathryn's eyes flew open, panting and sweating she sat up, throwing the bed covers off her, whilst trying not to wake Chakotay. That dream had surprised her, she hadn't had a dream like that since... Since she first meet Chakotay, that felt like ages ago. Getting out of the hot bed, she pulled on her dressing robe and walked into the living area. "Glass of water." She requested from the replicator, taking it she stood by her window, watching the stars pass. Apart from leaving her breathless, the dream had her feeling shocked, was she really attracted to him that much?   
"Bad dream?" Came Chakotays voice behind her.  
"No." She responded too quickly, she silently kicked herself, now she'd have to explain why she was up.  
"Oh? I thought the way you jumped out of bed, something had bothered you." He walked over to her, but stopped beside her sofa, standing a few feet from her.  
Something was bothering her - or someone. Would it upset him if she told him about the dream, after all it was only a dream, it wasn't as though she'd actually shared a shower with the man! "I had a dream.... About Kashyk. But it wasn't a bad dream." She paused, gripping tight on her glass. "It was completely the opposite."  
Chakotay didn't know what to say, but after a moment his question was. "You want him?"  
Kathryn frowned at him, she should have known he'd be jealous. "I'm attracted to him, I wouldn't say I 'wanted' him. Dreams aren't real, Chakotay, it doesn't mean a thing."  
"It means you want him, Kathryn! He's not our ally, he shouldn't be trusted!" Chakotay argued.  
"It's not as though I'm sleeping with the enemy!" She spat back at him. "I'm not like you." She snarled at him, she was fed up. Fed up of him thinking it was alright for him to sleep with who he wanted and for her to just stand there and take it. She hadn't slept with Kashyk, even if she had the chance she really doubted she would have, yet he was making her dream out to be a big thing - she might have well of just jumped into bed with him and made this hassle worth it. "I think you should get dressed and go."   
"Kathryn-" He started to protest, but she cut him off.  
"Go." Her tone was flat, she just wanted this to end.  
He nodded, heading back into the bedroom, after a while he emerged halved dresses and, without another word, he left. Kathryn watched the doors shut behind him, closing her eyes she took a deep breath, was this going to be their relationship from now on? Always fighting over little things, every time she has a dream, every time she honest with him. Why did it feel like they were on the verge of breaking? She sipped her water, then went back to bed, trying not to let the events ruin the rest of her sleep.

=/\=

Kathryn sat in the commanders chair, the rest of the bridge empty, the only sound was of her Tchaikovsky playing, ship wide no doubt. Her gut had been right about Kashyk, in the end he'd betrayed her, but luckily she had made her plan ready for such events. The Brenari had escaped unharmed, the wormhole collapsed and they were now leaving Devore space. Kashyk had left Voyager only a couple of days before hand, saying goodbye had been somewhat hard, he'd kissed her, she'd not only responded but when they separated she'd pulled him in for a second kiss, and she had enjoyed it. She'd even offered him a place on board Voyager, looking back part of her was glad it went this way, that he hadn't accepted her offer. She stood as the doors to the briefing room opened and the bridge staff stepped out, Chakotay walked up to her and stood in front of his chair, beside her.  
"Everything go alright?" He asked, things still had been rough between them since she kicked him out of her quarters.  
She nodded, smiling a little. "According to plan. Now let's get this ship back on track." She sat in her chair, Chakotay taking his. She had to wonder how they'd survived this long, not just the ship and its crew, but her and Chakotay, but something deep inside told her it wasn't going to last long, and her gut was never wrong.


	24. Chapter 24

3 Months Later

Kathryn sat at her desk, looking at the report that Seven had just dropped off, rereading the letter from Starfleet. It was really happening, they were really going home, in just a couple of hours they'd be in the Alpha Quadrant, closer to their loved ones. Seven had mentioned her concerns about the wormhole's neutrino levels being extremely erratic, but she had reassured the young woman the faint signals they'd detected were communiqués from Starfleet, and therefore nothing to worry. The former Borg drone had argued, but soon relented, leaving Kathryn with the Padd. The door chime sounded, and at her say-so, the doors opened and Chakotay stepped in, carry a Padd, which he handed over.  
"Letter number two. I'm getting jealous." He joked, Kathryn smiled as she skimmed through her letter.  
It was from Mark, telling her his marriage had broken down, that he wanted to give their marriage a second chance, that he still loved her. A nervous guilt rushed through her, she hadn't thought about it much, but being this close to home, having Mark to go back to would be nice, especially as things weren't working between her and Chakotay. But she felt as though she'd been cheating on him, even if she had got the first letter containing the news about his intended marriage. "Mark. Apparently his marriage has ended. What about you, any news?" She quickly asked him, trying to avoid a bombardment of questions from him.  
"A full pardon and reinstatement to Starfleet. I've even been offered a professorship in anthropology at the Academy." He answered, after a moments hesitation, clearly wanting to know more about her news.  
"Oh, Chakotay, congratulations." She was genially happy for him, knowing he always had a passion for anthropology.  
"It's only part time, but it's good, it's a start." There was an uncomfortable silence between them, he was still standing, shifting nervously as she sat behind the safety of her desk. "So, what else did Mark have to say?" He ventured, unsure if he'd like the answer.  
Kathryn gestured for him to sit, which he did, she guessed he had a right to know, especially if they got back home and she did get back with Mark. After a while she cleared her throat and spoke. "Mark, he wants to give our marriage a second go." She paused, thinking. "But since we were only married three months, maybe he wants to give our marriage the chance it never had." In the five years she'd been in the Delta Quadrant she'd never looked at it from that prospective, their marriage never had a chance, sure they'd been together and their relationship was rocky, but their marriage never got chance to flourish, or to crash and burn, whichever way it might have gone.  
"Oh." Of course he'd known Mark would want her back, but the surprise still come across in his tone. "What about us?" He asked. "The last time we were close to getting home you were inviting me back to meet you family in Indiana."  
"And I still want too." She insisted, not forgetting their conversation seven months earlier. "I care deeply about you both, and of course I want us to stay together when we get back."  
"But?"  
Kathryn wasn't going to lie to him, she knew if they got back it'd be tough, they'd have to fix them. "We'll have to take it slow, adjust back to being home, we've both been through a lot these past 4 years. As long as we're anywhere but here, we'll be fine." She smiled as she reached her hands across the table, he copied her move, taking her small hands in his.  
"We'll be fine."

2 Days Later

Kathryn sat in her dimly lit quarters, reading the letter Mark had actually sent her what felt like ages ago, explaining that he'd gotten married. The one she'd gotten just two days earlier turned out to be a fake letter from the wormhole to help tempt her taking the ship into it, just one of many that'd been sent. Almost all the crew had received messages of good news, all a ploy for the wormhole to.... Eat Voyager, even reports had been falsified, to make it look like they were heading back to the Alpha Quadrant. The only ones not affected were Seven and Naomi, the former being unsettled about returning, the latter having never seen Earth. She sighed, part of her was disappointed, part of her had want to go back in be in his arms again, but they both would have changed so much neither of them would be the same person when they got married. The years in the Delta Quadrant had changed, sometimes she wondered if it was for better; she'd become harder, tougher... Angry, bitter... Isolated, alone. No, none of that was for the better, she couldn't imagine Mark wanting to be with the woman she was now, she wasn't his Kathryn anymore, she was a completely different person. The sound of her door chime cut through her thoughts, there would be only one person calling at this time of night, she pursed her lips as she said. "Enter."  
Chakotay strolled in, his hands clasped behind his back as he came to a stop by her sofa. "I wasn't sure if you'd still be awake."  
"Couldn't sleep." She gestured to the sofa for him to sit, which he dutifully did. "So, what bring you at this time of night?"  
He fidgeted slightly, hesitating to answer as he looked at the floor, until he spoke then he looked up at her. "I wanted to talk about what happened, when we got the fake letters."  
Kathryn rolled her eyes, typical he just couldn't let it go, he wanted to make a thing out of it. "Is there anything to talk about? They weren't real, just a deception to get us to enter the wormhole."  
"That's just it, they were meant for us to enter it, so they had to be things we wanted. Things that would make us happy." He paused, looking just as uncomfortable as she felt, the room was beginning to thicken with the tension. "Would that of made you happy? If you could go back to him?"  
Kathryn gritted her teeth, her cheeks feeling flushed with a sudden burst of anger. Why, why, why did he have to bring it up? Why couldn't they move on, try and fix what was left of their dysfunctional relationship? But the more she thought about it, the more it seem it wasn't fixable. "I care about him Chakotay, I loved him, I was married to him. I'm not going to lie and say a small part of me wouldn't have been unhappy to go back and for him to be single. But that's not going to happen." She thought for moment, before casually shaking her head. "I don't even think he'd recognise me. I've changed, not just psychically, but inside, what made me his Kathryn. His Kathryn died a long time ago, so even if we got back to Earth and his was single, I don't think it could work." She stopped, once again thinking on her next words. "We've both changed so much."  
Her words hanged in the air, they both knew it wasn't just her and Mark she was talking about, it was them. They'd both changed, either of them could say if it was for the better, but the changes had clearly affected their relationship, the cracks were getting bigger, but both were unwilling to give up right now. Maybe they could change it around somehow, learn to be those people who they were when they first feel in love; be the Kathryn and Chakotay from New Earth. She'd told him if they were anywhere but here they'd be fine, but as normal, their too good to be true way home turned out to be just that and here they were, still stuck in the Delta Quadrant.  
"Don't worry," she said, trying to hold back a yawn, "we'll be fine." Though she said it, she didn't believe it, she was trying to reassure him, though from his expression, he didn't believe her either.  
He stood, having nothing else to add to the conversation. "I'll let you try and get some sleep. Goodnight Kathryn."  
She had to stop herself from saying her usual reply of 'you to' normally he'd say 'sleep well', since when had it changed? "Goodnight, Chakotay." She watched as he nodded, then left the room, leaving her alone. It was funny how one could feel so lonely on a ship of 153 people.


	25. Chapter 25

4 Months Before Voyager Leaves

 

The doors opened as Kathryn entered the office at Starfleet Headquarters, she'd come here to see Admiral Owen Paris, now her nerves were getting to her. He was sat behind his desk, tapping away on his monitor, upon hearing the doors, he looked up and smiled. "Kathryn, come in, take a seat." She took a deep breath, steadying herself, it was a just a question, that's all, but at the same time it was a big question, an important one. She sat down opposite him, clasping her hand on her lap, waiting for him to finish whatever it was he was doing and turn his attention back to her. Owen and his family had always been friends of her family, he often reminded her of her father, if he'd still been alive they would have been the same age. She gazed around her, pictures on his family filled the shelves behind him, two girls and a boy, without thinking she let out a small sigh, he was lucky, Admirals hardly ever left Earth and their family. He finished typing and looked at her. "I'm glad you wanted to see me, there's something I want to talk to about."  
"Oh?" She questioned, she hadn't been informed he wanted to see her as well.  
"First, what can I do for you?" He lent back in his chair, hands resting over his tummy, whilst he was a fairly well built man, he had put on some weight over the years.  
Kathryn smiled. "It can wait, I'm interested to hear what you want to talk about."  
Owen laughed. "Of course. Starfleet have infiltrated the Marqis, at some point we're expecting a call from our person to try and capture one of their leaders." He turned the screen to face them both, tapping a few buttons a picture of a mans face came up. He had black hair, brown eyes and a tribal tattoo over his left eye. Kathryn thought he almost looked handsome. "His name is Chakotay. When the time comes we need the right person to lead the mission."  
Kathryn nodded in agreement. "Of course, I'm happy to work along side anyone. Who did you have in mind." She was slightly confused as to why the Admiral was telling her his, surely this was a conversation you had with the Captain, especially if it was top secret.   
"You." The one word was enough to throw her, though her sister mentioned a promotion, she'd hardly believed it. She sat with her mouth slightly ajar. "Kathryn?"  
"I.... I don't know what to say, thank you." She managed, a mixture of emotions ran through her, proudness at her achievements, but a subtle wash of sadness overcame her, that her father couldn't be here to see this.   
He reached out his hand, which she gladly accepted. "You deserve it, Kathryn. Of course you'll have a proper promotion ceremony, and your ship is currently in drydock being built, she'll be top of the fleet. And as soon as we get word about the location of this Marqis rebel, your mission will begin."  
Kathryn beamed, she couldn't be happier. "Thank you." She swallowed, knowing that her question was another thing she wished her father could see. "Owen, you've always been a friend of the family, and I couldn't have asked for a better mentor in my life. Which is why I was wondering if you would walk me down the aisle."  
Owen didn't say anything, much to Kathryn's surprise, instead he stood, as did she, and walked around to the front of the desk, placing his hands upon her shoulders. "Kathryn, it would be my honour." He pulled Kathryn into a tight hug, for which she was grateful as her eyes had started to tear up, but she couldn't help and stare at the face of the man she was now meant to capture.

=/\=

7 Months Later

"What's happened to you, Kathryn?"  
"I was about to ask you the same question."  
It was with those two sentences that Kathryn knew - that they both knew - it was over. She'd crossed the line, there was no going back now, their relationship couldn't be saved from the events of the past couple of days, or anything in the past few months. Everything that had happened with Ransom and the Equinox had brought them crashing down, burned what was good, now they stood, glaring at each other, biting back words they knew they'd regret. She'd been reckless, obsessed in her dealing with Captain Ransom, maybe because he was a Starfleet officer, or at least he was meant to be, after mass murder of a innocence species she wouldn't call him Starfleet anymore. But then she had locked one of his crew members in the cargobay, lowered the shields so he was exposed to the aliens, all so she could get his Captains location, he didn't break; in the end Chakotay had rescued him. He informed the crew they were going to find the race that had given Ransom the device which they used to call the aliens, she hadn't objected in front of them, then everything fell apart even more when it was just them left behind. He warned her he wouldn't let her cross that line again - so she relieved him of duty. But things hadn't been easy between them in the past few months, her kissing Kashyk, getting the false letter from Mark, even in a disagreement with Harry Kim and he'd asked her if she'd ever been in love her thoughts paid Chakotay no attention, instead answering about about her former husband, but then she couldn't exactly tell the ensign about her relationship with her commander. Though they still had their weekly dinners, spending time on the holodeck, the physical side of their relationship had died after Kashyk had left, they'd become more like friends within the past few months. And now... Now they both knew there was no going back, they'd changed so much, he didn't recognise her anymore - deep down she didn't recognise herself, she was angry - she was damned angry - and that was blinding her, it was the driving force behind her decisions these past couple of days.   
Without another word, Kathryn turned and headed out the briefing room and to the bridge.

Chakotay watched her go, there wasn't any point in trying to stop her; she was hell bent on doing whatever she thought was right, even if she'd just agreed to do it his way, relieving him of duty was her way of making sure he didn't interfere. He pulled out the nearest chair and sat, almost willing for her to come back, to at least have it out with him and not storm off, but of course she didn't. How did he not see this coming? Had things really been this bad between them? He knew they had problems, working and being in an relationship together wasn't easy, and given that she was his commanding officer. But had things been that bad for them to break up? He sighed, how had they let it get this bad, how had she let herself get this angry? He knew they'd both changed, but since when had she become reckless, willing to put other people's lives at risk. The experiments, he suddenly thought, ever since cloaked aliens had experimented on them she'd changed, for the worse, but that was over a year ago, could it still be affecting her now? At the time she'd flown Voyager through a binary pulsar just to get the aliens to leave. Since then she'd flown Voyager through Krenim space without permission, handed a piece of Starfleet technology to the Hirogen, kissed Kashyk, fought the Borg. Maybe they weren't all reckless actions, but in his opinion, they were pretty stupid. Maybe she was still fighting her depression, he was convinced there was always an ongoing battle inside her, and he wasn't liking it's result. He'd been hoping to take her to the holodeck when this had finished and they'd dealt with the Equinox, as a surprise he had been building a program of New Earth, hoping it'd give her some peace, some time to unwind. Now it'll be forever in the computer memory, without her ever seeing it. He stood, almost walking to the door from which she'd left, but thought it best not to walk through the bridge, everyone by now would have guessed he wasn't coming back to work, so he left through the second door, and headed to his quarters, wondering how they were going to fix themselves this time.

Later That Evening

 

Kathryn stood in a corner of the mess hall, holding her untouched glass, watching the crew mingle. The events with Equinox were now over, Captain Ransom and more then half his crew were dead, the ship itself destroyed, those who had survived Kathryn let stayed aboard Voyager as part of her crew. Neelix had put together a small buffet to welcome them into the crew, Chakotay had said he'd see her here, she didn't know if that meant he would seek her out, or if she'd just see him. He was currently talking to one of the former Equinox members, she was still waiting for him to acknowledge her presence. They'd barely spoken to each other since their relationship had ended, since she'd relived him duty just so he couldn't interfere with what she wanted to do; she still wasn't sure how she felt about it. She was suddenly aware of a presence beside and someone repeating "captain," making her jump slightly.   
Tom Paris was stood at her side, unlike her, he was dressed casually, holding his half filled glass. "Captain, are you alright?" He smiled.  
She forced herself to return it, briefly taking her eyes off Chakotay. "I'm fine, thank you. How are you? Enjoying the party?"  
Tom nodded, not that she noticed, she was watching Chakotay talk to another group. "How are things between you two?" Everyone knew that he'd been relieved of duty, Tom was the only one who knew the past events would have a massive impact on them.  
"It's over." Kathryn found herself saying, she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about it, but the words just came out anyway. "We're no longer together. I haven't had chance to talk to him yet."  
They both looked over at the other mans direction, who finally glanced up at them and seem to be saying goodbye to the group. "Looks like you may get to now." Tom said, then turned to face her, forcing Kathryn to give him her attention. "You guys will work this out, even if you don't get back together. You have the strongest friendship I know, and nothing can change that."  
Kathryn was touched by his words and managed him a real smile. "Thank you, Tom." She gave his arm a slight squeeze just before he walked off, nodding to the commander as he left.   
"Kathryn." Chakotay greeted her, she was relieved he hadn't felt the need to go back to using her title.  
"Chakotay." She returned, noting that he also chose not to wear his uniform, instead dressing in a white shirt and brown pants.   
"I didn't think you would come." He told her, taking a glass from one of the crew members who were walking around offering them to people.  
Kathryn shrugged, it had taken her hours to decide if she wanted to come or stay in her quarters, in the end she thought it best if showed up. "I almost didn't." She confessed.  
There was a moments silence, both of them unsure if they should bring the past couple of days, sipping their drinks and watching the crew mingle.  
"I should go."  
"I'm sorry."  
They both said in unison. Chakotay half turned to go, now stopped by her words.  
She swallowed, her eyes looking down at the floor, before she found the strength to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry, for how I've acted with everything concerning the Equinox. It was wrong, I was wrong. I understand if you can't forgive me. And I'm sorry for how it ended - with us."  
Chakotay let out a breath, studying her before replying. "I'm sorry too, I never wanted things to go the way they did. I hope we can still be friends?"  
Kathryn smiled, though he hadn't said he forgave her, she was glad he wanted to save their friendship. "Of course, I couldn't imagine not having you as my friend."  
He returned her smile, both of them feeling more at peace with each other then they had done for days.

 

Kathryn didn't stay long at the party after that, instead retiring to her quarters, feeling tired, truth was though they'd made up she still hurt and couldn't decide if she wanted to be around him or not. The conversation had been tensed, both of them still unsure as to what to say to each other, so she'd fled back to the safety of her room.  
"Computer, lights minimal." There was barely any light in her room, but she'd lived here for nearly six years, she could easily navigate this place with her eyes shut. She headed for the bedroom, stripping off her uniform, feeling claustrophobic, like the material was too tight, she wanted to rip it off. She dumped a pile of clothes by the door, along with her shoes and headed straight for her chest of drawers, even in the poor light she knew what she was looking for, the middle drawer, under her nightgowns she found it - the beige t-shirt. She slipped into it, a suddenly feeling of calm washed over her, she pulled back her bedcovers and snuggled into her bed. And despite herself, she cried, having had no time to morn the lose of her relationship with Chakotay, no time to let out her emotions, she pulled her knees close to her chest, wishing that he was there to hold her, to comfort her, she would have given anything to just be in his arms once more. But that was never to happen, she knew in time she'd heal, that they'd both move on, but for now she let the tears run down her cheeks, until sleep overcame her, temporarily taking away her heartache.


	26. Chapter 26

3 Months Later

The mess hall doors whooshed shut behind the final senior officers, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay sat at a table and Neelix pottering in the gallery. It's was their annual Christmas dinner, and Neelix had once again out done himself on their dinner, though it was only Christmas Eve, they would have a on going party throughout the next day for the rest of the staff. The room was decorated, the only room on the ship that Kathryn allowed, the was a small tree in one corner, trimmings on the wall, even the tables were decorated. Kathryn picked up her glass of white wine, as Neelix came over to them, placing a fresh pot of coffee and a plate of mint chocolates before them. "Well, if you don't need anything else, I think I might call it a night as well."  
Kathryn smiled. "Of course, Neelix. Thank you again for the meal, it was marvellous."  
"You're more then welcome to join us for a cup of coffee." Chakotay offered the Talaxian.  
Neelix returned their smiles. "That's very kind of you Commander, but I really must get some sleep ready for tomorrow activities. Good night."   
After returning their farewells and watching Neelix leave,Chakotay poured himself and Kathryn a cup of coffee, as she bit into one of the chocolate pieces. "I hope you don't mind, but I've given you tomorrow off."   
"You didn't have too, I'm quite happy to work on Christmas Day." Kathryn replied, picking up another one of the chocolate pieces.   
"I know, and you have done so far, so I decided it was time for a change. That is why I'm in charge of the duty rota." He then chuckled. "I suppose I better have one of these before they all disappear."   
Kathryn laughed, deciding not to press about the work rota. "I'm sorry, they're just very nice."   
After finishing his piece, Chakotay shifted slightly, clearly unsure about his next words. But taking a deep breath, he said. "I got you a present." He noticed her opening her mouth, clearly about to object in some way, but he interrupted before she could. "I know you said we didn't have too, and I know we haven't since our first Christmas here. But I wanted to, and I think you'll like it." He turned to the chair behind him and picked up present wrapped in blue paper, one that she'd seen him put there when entering the room, though she hadn't commented on it. He placed it on the table in front of her.  
Kathryn pursed her lips. "I haven't got you anything."   
Chakotay smiled. "I wasn't expecting anything in return, seeing your face when you open this will be enough."  
Kathryn gently ripped the paper, then took the present out, it was a sand painting of her dog, Mollie, a copy of the picture she had on a shelf in her quarters. "Chakotay, this is beautiful. How did you manage it without the picture?" She asked, noting that her picture hadn't ever moved from its place.  
"I've been in your quarters enough to memorise the picture." He smiled. "Do you like it?"  
Kathryn beamed, placing the picture of the lying dog down and resting her hand on top of his, giving it a slight squeeze. "Of course, I love it, thank you."   
As Chakotay returned the gesture, Kathryn felt her old feelings for him stirring, she stilled loved him, cared about him deeply, but it was tinged with sorrow, things would never go back how they were.


	27. Chapter 27

Kathryn entered cargo bay two, her phaser holstered at her waist, she wasn't sure why she'd taken up wearing it, would Chakotay really turn all on her after everything they been through? But Sevens arguments and proof had been enough for her to at least take precautions. He was already there when she arrived, she noted that he too was wearing a phaser, tapping on a tricorder, standing at Seven's alcove.  
"I picked up a power surge coming from the Cargo bay." He explained, there was something different about his tone.  
"I detected the same thing. You think it's the enhanced alcove?"   
Chakotay shrugged a little. "Could be."  
There was certainly something wrong, and it wasn't just her suspicions, he wasn't acting himself, keeping her at a distance. Maybe Seven was right after all, maybe he was actually working against her.  
"Let's take a look." She took her tricorder of her waist and started scanning Seven's alcove, casually commenting. "Are phasers standard equipment on board now?"   
"Must be." He replied, there was no emotion in his voice, that's why it was different, he was trying not to give anything away.  
"The data buffer's been activated." She informed him, shutting up her tricorder and turning to face him.  
"I wanted to make sure it wasn't malfunctioning." He stated, shutting his tricorder.  
"You should be careful." She wasn't sure if it came out as a threat or a warning, so Kathryn added. "Somebody might think you were trying to delete a few files."  
He looked momentarily confused. "Why would they think that?"  
"Some of those files could contain sensitive information." She stated, her mind trying to rack over everything Seven had told, everything that was happening now.  
"If that's true, somebody might think you were trying to do the same thing." He countered.  
She pursed her lips, trying to get something out of him this way wasn't working, she decided to change strategy. "That catapult out there, it's a powerful piece of technology. If the Maquis ever had access to something like it, they might have been successful."  
Chakotay nodded ever so slightly, replying. "And if we had, your mission to the Delta Quadrant never would have gotten off the drawing board."  
Now she was really confused, what mission? "What are you talking about?"  
"The mission you've been on for the last five years." His tone changed, there was now some emotion in it, albeit it wasn't happy, but at least it wasn't dead.  
"My only mission is trying to get Voyager home." She came across somewhat harsh, how could he accuse her of doing anything other then getting them home? Was he mad?   
"Seven showed me the sensor records. I saw the tractor beam." The accusation was in his voice, it made her stomach knot, but at the same time she realised they'd be part of a web of misunderstanding. Though that didn't do anything to relieve the knot, had it actually believed what Seven had told him? But then, hadn't she? Everything they'd been through, 6 years of friendship, thrown out by their confused crew member.   
"She showed me the same thing, but she implicated you in some kind of Maquis plot." She informed him, trying to settle her stomach. It's all just a misunderstanding, she told herself, he couldn't of believed her, I didn't actually believe her.  
Chakotay quickly ran it through his head. "Same evidence, two different theories."  
Kathryn rested on hand on her hip and rubbed her forehead, sighing. "It all started with those damn photonic fleas. She was downloading Voyager's database."  
Just then Harry's voice cut through on the comm. "Bridge to Captain Janeway."  
"Go ahead, Harry." She answered.  
"I just picked up an unauthorised launch of the Delta Flyer. Seven's at the helm." He informed her.  
Kathryn sighed again, and ordered. "Set a pursuit course."  
"Acknowledged." Harry replied then terminated the comm.  
Chakotay tapped his commbadge. "Chakotay to the Doctor."  
"Sickbay here." Came the Doctors voice.  
"Get down to Cargo Bay two. Run a diagnostic on Seven's alcove."   
"On my way."   
When the conversation ended, Kathryn felt relieved. "I'm glad we got that settled."  
Chakotay smiled as they started towards the door. "Likewise."  
Kathryn placed her hand on his shoulder, making him come to a halt. "Chakotay, let's keep this one out of our logs, huh?" There was no need for there to be a record of their mistake, there was no need for anyone else to know they could have caused a mutiny on their ship with their current lack of trust in each other. One question passed through her mind, had they still been together, would she been quick to even for a second believe Seven's muddled thought.  
He smiled, a genuine smile, also glad it was over. "Gladly."

 

=/\=

A Couple of Hours Later

 

"You're right. We've been through too much to stop trusting each other."  
"You didn't poison the coffee, did you?"  
"Not any more than I usually do."  
They both shared a smile as they sipped their coffee, it was now late evening, the day had felt longer then it had been, they'd rescued Seven - or at least they'd stopped her running away - and fixed her alcove. The downloading of to much information at once had caused her to malfunction, resulting in some mixed up conversations. But as Kathryn sat there, at her dinning table she began to question the events - how did they stop trusting each other? She placed her cup down, her hands still clasped around it, and took a deep breath, she noticed Chakotay put his cup down, clearly sensing she wanted to talk. "Joking aside, Chakotay, how did we stop trusting each other?"  
Chakotay shrugged, this wasn't a conversation he wanted. "Seven showed each of us compelling evidence that lead us to believe the other was on a secret mission."  
"Yes, but that doesn't explain why we didn't go to each other first. Why we didn't talk, instead of tippy toeing around each other in the cargo bay." Silence was her reply, the real question was did they still trust each other. "Do you trust me?"  
Chakotay didn't hesitate in his answer. "Of course. There's no one on this ship I trust more." He shook his head, clearly frustrated. "Kathryn I can't tell you what was going through my mind. Maybe I thought it best not to talk to you in case everything Seven said was true, and I needed to act to protect the ship and crew. If that happened I couldn't let on that I knew about your plan."  
Kathryn pursed her lips, she had to agree with him, maybe that was also her reason for not going to him first. "From now on, we talk to each other first, we've been through to much to let others take it away from us."  
"Agreed." Both were finally able to relax and enjoy the rest of their evening, knowing that even though their loyalty had been tested, they could always rely on each other.


	28. Chapter 28

3 Months Later

The sun shone in through the cracks in the curtains, warming the side of Kathryn's face, she allowed herself a small smile, enjoying the sensation that she deeply missed. When the weight of the bed behind her shifted she suddenly remembered where she was; in the bed belonging to Michael Sullivan.  
Michael was the bartender in one of Paris' holoprograms, she had gone in a few days ago, looking for Tom, Harry and the Doctor had been with him. She'd exchanged words with Michael, finding him friendly, quite charming even. After telling the group about a neutronic wavefront they were approaching, they'd left, but something had made her stop and glance back at the rugged looking man - an attraction, and clearly a mutual one as he been staring right back. She'd gone back later that evening, curious about the man, even if he was just a hologram, and had enjoyed the evening. They had chatted, she told him she had family not far from the village in County Clare, he affectionally called her Katie O'Clare. After drinking tea, they played ring toss, a game she had never played before and was ultimately bad at it, they'd even arm wrestled, because she insisted, gripping her tiny hand in his, trying to win by bracing herself against the bar, in the end none of them won. Then his wife entered the room, suddenly the laughing stopped, the smile faded from her face, she hadn't asked him about his relationship status and he hadn't said anything about being married. They were having too much fun, there wasn't any need for it to be mentioned. She'd politely thanked him, then made a hasty exit, feeling like she'd out stayed her welcome.  
The next day she'd gone to Holographic Research Lab, and made changes to Michael, giving him a higher education, making him more confident - deleting his wife. Being happy with her modifications she put on a 19th century green dress suitable for the program and tied her hair up in a bun; she'd found him reading by the train station, something he would not have done before. They chatted before taking a little walk through the village, bumping into Chakotay, she'd stood quite whilst the men talked, looking around at the surroundings, wishing the ground would open up and swallow her. Though she would later deny it, Kathryn felt uncomfortable having the man she was lusting after and the man she loved in the same space, though it didn't seem to affect either of them - but why would it? Then in the evening they danced in the pub, with the rest of the village folk, until she had the computer remove them so they could be alone, he'd kissed her, first she'd pulled back, wondering if it was the right thing to do, but Chakotays words from a conversation they'd had played back in her head 'I never let that stand in my way.' They talked on the bridge, she confided in him her doubts about Michael as he was a hologram, but with those words, she'd pulled Michael in for a second, deeper, kiss.   
She was about to push the bed sheet back when his arm draped over her waist and pulled her closer. "You weren't going to leave without a good morning Katie?" His Irish accent whispered in her ear.   
Kathryn smiled, rolling over to face him. "I have to go, just for a little. I'll be back at lunch time."  
Michael opened his eyes, returning her smile. "Maybe we could go for a picnic?"  
"I'd like that." She kissed him, before wiggling out from his embrace to put back on her dress, pinning her hair up. "See you at lunch." As she left, the emotions started to run wild, there was a stab of guilt, a surge of happiness, and an overwhelming desire to cry. 

The picnic had been pleasant, sat on a blanket by the lake, when they both laid down, watching the few clouds drift by in the blue sky. They talked for a while, when the conversation ended they enjoyed each other's company in silence. Then Kathryn heard a faith noise near her ear, when it happened a second time, slightly louder, she knew what it was - Michael was snoring. She sighed, Chakotay had never snored in his sleep, at least not that she'd ever heard. She slowly sat up, not to disturb him, she was about to ask the computer to display one of the holodeck screens, if she adjusted his vocal algorithms the snoring would cease, but then she stopped. Looking around it suddenly dawned on her, she'd made Michael more like Chakotay, making him taller, giving him more education, everything she'd done, and she was about to do it again. This wasn't real, Michael wasn't real. She had to get out of there, get back to real life, back to normality, she stood, thinking about leaving him a note, explain she had to leave town and didn't know when she'd be back, but thought better of it; and man like him wouldn't be single for long. She brushed off her dress and called for the holodeck exit, glancing over her shoulder one last time before leaving her lover sleeping.

Kathryn picked up the pile of books from her desk, the top one catching her attention 'Hills most green, hearts unseen', it took her back to the conversation with Chakotay on the bridge, 3 days earlier.

=/\=

Chakotay picked up the green book from the console between the two command chairs and read the side. "Hills most green, hearts unseen."  
Kathryn kept her eyes down at the report in her hands. "Yes. Jane Eldon. Catching up on a little reading." She hoped her answer would hold off any more questioning, she was wrong.  
"Those hills and hearts wouldn't happen to be in Ireland?"   
When she looked up, he was smiling. "You can wipe that smirk off your face. It's not what you think."   
Her reply only made him smile more, it slightly irritated her. "I wasn't thinking anything, but now that you mentioned it." He trailed off.  
Kathryn defended herself. "I have an interest in Irish culture." Where they really having this conversation, her former lover trying to encourage this relationship, or was he jealous and trying to dig out more information?  
Chakotay continued smiling, she wasn't sure if he was enjoying making her uncomfortable or just the conversation in general. "It's understandable. They've produced great writers for hundreds of years. Not to mention great bartenders."  
"He's a hologram." Kathryn almost sounded offended he should suggest such a thing. Yes she had enjoyed their evening together, until his wife interrupted them. And after she'd taken care of her, she enjoyed their talks, but could she really have a relationship with a hologram.  
"I couldn't help but notice he seemed a little taller than the last time I saw him." Chakotay observed.  
Kathryn kept her answer direct, fiddling with the Padd, wishing this would just end. "Yes, I made a few modifications."  
"In the interest of Irish culture." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.   
"Exactly."  
Chakotay took a breathe, either he was also getting fed up with this one-sided conversation as much as she was, or she wasn't going to like what was coming next. "You seemed embarrassed when I ran into you." Kathryn turned her head away from him, she had been embarrassed, she was starting to feel it now. "There was no reason to be. It was nice to see you having a little fun."  
The last sentence changed something inside her, he wasn't asking questions because he was jealous, he was asking because he approved. She turned back to him. "He is rather charming, isn't he? Too bad he's made of photons and forcefields."   
"I never let that stand in my way."  
It was with those words Kathryn realised he was giving her permission, allowing her to move on, that it wouldn't be a problem with him. She should have fun, she couldn't keep using the fact that Michael was a hologram as an excuse, when it was really Chakotay. He'd been holding her back, she needed to know that it would be alright with him, now she knew everything would be fine, maybe she should give Michael a chance.

=/\=

Kathryn placed the books in the replicator, "recycle," at her command the books vanished. She felt unhappy, she liked Michael, she liked him a lot, but that was because she had changed him. But she'd had fun with him at the start, before she made her modifications, she shook her head slightly. No, she had to get him out of her mind, she moved on from Chakotay, she could move on from Michael. But then she found herself asking, had she actually moved on?

The next day Kathryn found herself in her ready room, they had gotten through the wavefront, but not without damage, including most of Fair Haven being wiped out. Tom stood before her, having delivered the news and was awaiting her instructions. "Rebuild Fair Haven, the crew enjoyed it, be a shame just to let it go."  
Tom nodded, seeming to hesitate, the last time they'd ran into each other - outside the bridge - they'd been in sickbay after he'd been part of a fight in the village pub, Michael had been the cause of it. From what the Doctor had told her, the bartender had been looking for her, had even climbed a tree calling her name. "What about Michael?"  
Of course he'd ask, even though it was his program he felt she was responsible for him, being in a relationship. She pursed her lips, she could have Tom erase his memory bank, start again, or she could a risk, accept him for who he was.  
Before she could answer, Tom interrupted her thoughts. "Captain, I'm sorry about you and Chakotay, but this is the happiest you've been since parting."  
She tilted her head at him, somewhat surprised he'd just spoken out.  
"Permission to speak freely."  
"Why stop now." She commented in humour, noting he squirmed slightly, embarrassed.  
"Even Chakotay has mentioned it, he's happy for you, when you're happy he's happy. Can you honestly see yourself getting back with him? If not then I think you should give Michael a chance."  
Kathryn recalled a similar talk from the Doctor yesterday, sighting that she couldn't have a relationship with her subordinates, maybe a fling with a passing alien, but a hologram would be right for her.  
"Thank you Mister Paris, anything else to add?" He shook his head, so she continued. "Leave Michael how he is, I'll talk to him before you start the reprogramming." She paused back, thinking on something he'd said. "Is Chakotay really happy for me?"  
"Of course, he loves you, he wants you to be happy." A silence fell over the room at the realisation at what he said, 'he loves you'.   
Kathryn knew she couldn't hold out on a off chance, Michael was here and now Chakotay was the past, even though it hurt, that was how it had to be. "Thank you, I'll let you know when you can start the reprogramming." She watched as he nodded, then turned and left, leaving her to think what would she tell Michael.


	29. Chapter 29

6 Weeks Later

Kathryn stood in sickbay, holding the baby they'd rescued from a Borg cube, she was tiny in her arms. The doctor had managed to removed almost all the Borg implants, along with those from the other 4 children they'd taken aboard, they were now searching for members of their species to find them new homes. Standing there, absorbed in the moment, Kathryn wished she could keep the little girl, give her a new life on Voyager, but the reality was she wouldn't have been able to raise this child and command the starship, she had to focus on getting the crew home. Nope, this baby was better off with a family who could love her and give her what she needed. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear the sickbay doors open, nor the sound of footsteps, it wasn't until she felt his presence beside her, and his words "You look like its natural to you."   
She jumped slightly, and smiled at him. "I've had a nephew to look after. Though he won't be a toddler anymore." Cody would be about 8 now, she thought, sighing heavily.  
Chakotay placed a hand on her shoulder, ever so lightly kneading the knots that had built up over time. "You'll see them again. We'll all see our families again."   
The infant stirred in sleep, Kathryn rocked her until she was once again settled. "Part of me wants to keep her here." She found her confessing, Chakotay nodded in understanding. "But what kind of life can I give her, lost in the Delta Quadrant?"   
"Naomi turned out well. She's growing up into a bright young girl. It's not where you bring them up, Kathryn, it's how you bring up your child."   
Kathryn kept her eyes on the girl, as the baby curled a finger around hers in a tight grip, she could feel her eyes watering, the one thing she'd denied herself all these years in favour of her career was now in her arms, and it hurt. "I couldn't run the ship properly if I was worrying about her all the time. It's alright for Sam, she doesn't have the lives of 150 people to think about." She slowly pulled her finger free and placed the baby gently back into her cot, stroking the child's plump cheek. "We'll find her parents who can take care of her better than I can." 

Kathryn sat in her bed, looking at a small photo album she'd brought with her, a 3 week mission and she'd found herself packing photos of her loved ones, she was glad now she had. She'd kept the photo of Mark in it, but moved it to the back, a picture of her father, mother, sister and herself was the first one, followed by various pictures of all of them, either together or by themselves, a couple of pictures of Cody, Molly her dog. At the end of them, before the blank picture wallets - before Mark - was a picture of Chakotay, one she'd sneaked from a bunch of photos the Doctor had taken at one of Neelixs functions. It was taken from the side, he was smiling, in a tan shirt. It was one of her favourite pictures. She thought back to when Q had proposed having a child with her, how jealous he'd gotten, how they'd talked about their imaginary children. "They'd be the most beautiful children this Quadrant had seen." He'd told her, and she had to agree. She shut the album, putting it back in the drawer in her bedside cabinet, and settled down in her bed, pulling the covers right up to her chin, her worries, doubts, failed dreams once again making sleep elusive.

=/\=

4 Days Later

Kathryn sat in the Fair Haven pub with Michael, the pub was lively, with the crew mixing with the villagers, but this time it was different. Tom and Harry managed to redo the program, but at some point the holograms became aware, they realised that the Voyager crew were different to them, it lead to the hostage taking of Tom, Harry and even the Doctor then Michael turning up on the bridge wearing the holoemitter, Kathryn had then told him the truth, who she really was, where she was really from. Everything had turned out alright, to their surprise, though what was meant to be a nice dinner date was now slowly turning into a question and answer session.  
"How long were you married for?" He asked, some how they'd gotten on to her marriage to Mark.  
Kathryn set down her now empty glass, the plates had been collected, she flicked through the dessert menu, wondering if she actually wanted to eat more with this questioning. "Three months. He remarried after a few years, I don't blame him." She hoped her answer would satisfy him.  
Michael nodded, she wasn't sure it was a genuine understanding, after his wife disappeared and her reprogramming made him forget. "And you? Have you found anyone else, before me of course."  
Kathryn smiled at his quick adding of himself, but she couldn't tell him about Chakotay, though she could trust him it'd only take one person to find out before everyone knew, crew member or not. "No, there's..... Parameters in place." She smiled at the memory of New Earth, when they first kissed.  
He nodded again, probably once again faking understanding to be polite. "Have you decided on a dessert?"  
Finally, a question she didn't mind answering. "I think I'll just have a cup of tea, please."  
"Of course," Michael stood, walking over to the bar.  
The minutes he was gone gave Kathryn time to think, she liked Michael, maybe she even loved him, but now she wasn't sure, it was nice when he didn't know her, when she could be Katie O'Clare. But now she didn't have a facade to hide behind, now she couldn't pretend to be someone who didn't have a care in the world. Whilst he still called her Katie, she couldn't go back to being that relaxed around, nope, Katie had gone, and there was nothing she could do about it. She let out a heavy sigh, and what kind of future did she think she could have with him? What did she think would happen when they got home?   
Her thoughts were interrupted by the clattering a tray being placed on the table, she smiled, picking up her cup and setting it in front of her.  
"Katie, are you ok? You looked like you were in another place." Michael commented as he sat back down, picking up the teapot and filling their cups.  
"I'm fine, was just lost in my thoughts, that's all." She sipped her tea, it wasn't as nice as coffee, but it was what she drank with him.  
After a moment, Michael resumed his questioning. "Have you thought about having children?"  
Kathryn froze, all the questions she thought he might ask, this one had never crossed her mind and it took her by surprise, she hesitated. "I guess it's crossed my mind. Mark and I had talked about it, but then I ended up here."   
A sorrow expression flittered across his face for a second. "I assume I wouldn't be able to give you children?"  
She took in a deep breath, exhaling slowly, shaking her head slightly. "No, you wouldn't." An awkward silence fell between them, when she finally said. "But if that's what you want, I could program you a wife, you could have a family with her." She couldn't quite believe she'd suggested that - after all she'd deleted his wife to have him. But she wanted him to be happy, and if that involved him having children, then she wouldn't stand in his way.  
"You would do that?" He sounded surprised, looked it as well.  
She nodded. "Yes, I want you to be happy, and if that's without me, I can live with that."   
Michael smiled. "Thank you, Katie."  
She returned his smile, but not feeling it, how had they just broken up, how had she agreed to make him a wife and family..... How had she become alone again?


	30. Chapter 30

3 Months Before Voyager Leaves

Kathryn sat in the booth in the cafe, staring at the picture she held, a scan of Phoebes baby that she'd just had. She beamed at her sister. "A little girl?"  
"Yup." Her smile was just as big. "Can finally start buying all the pink stuff I was eyeing up."   
"I could knit her a blanket." Kathryn suggested. "Have you thought of any names?" She took a sip of her coffee, thanking the waitress that passed by, collecting their empty plates.   
Phoebe shook her head. "Not yet, we didn't name Cody until he was a couple of days old, so I guess it'll be like that."  
"Phoebe I'm so happy for you." Kathryn grabbed hold of her hands, she was genially happy, there was no feeling of envy or resentment. "And maybe now we can go get you fitted for a bridesmaid dress."  
Phoebe laughed, the wedding was only three weeks away and she'd been putting it off to the last minute in case of any sudden weight gain. "Of course, we'll go first thing tomorrow, for now though, how about some pink girly shopping?"  
Kathryn couldn't keep down the surge of excitement that ran through her, she felt like this when they went shopping for Cody. She felt like everything was falling into place, for both her and Phoebe, she'd get married, go on the mission, which Starfleet said shouldn't take more than a few weeks, then think about starting a family of her own. "Let's get going."

=/\=

3 Weeks Later

Kathryn stood in the turbolift, on the way to her quarters, she'd been discharged from sickbay after an overnight stay, and was now on rest for the next two days. She'd taken three people who had 'slipped through the cracks' on Voyager on an away mission to investigate a class T cluster, the shuttle had been tossed around by a shock wave, in Chakotays word she'd given them quite a scare when they'd beamed her aboard. She tried to massage her neck with one hand, still aching and feeling bruised, when the door whooshed opened, stepping out she almost walked straight into Tom, not seeing him standing in front of the lift.  
"Tom, sorry." She smiled slightly, then made a move towards her quarters, noticing Tom abandoning the turbolift and catching up with her.  
"Captain!" He called, jogging up to her.  
Kathryn stopped, taking a deep breath she put her captains mask in place and turned to face him, giving him the best smile she could manage. "Tom, what can I do for you?"  
He was somewhat hesitate. "I....I just wanted to know if you were alright."  
"I'm fine, Tom, thank you." She thought about walking away, but curiosity got the better of her. "Why would you think I wasn't?"  
There was a moments silence, clearly he was weighing up the outcome of telling her, finally he said. "You haven't visited Fair Haven for a while."  
"Oh." Though they no longer ran the holoprogram all the time, the crew still visited the Irish village often. "I've been busy."  
Tom nodded, clearly not convinced. "Have you met Michaels new family, rather charming people."  
Of course the crew would be talking about that, most of them had seen how close she'd gotten to Michael, it would be natural for them to wonder what happened. "Michael and I agreed it was best to separate." She replied, not wanting to go into detail.  
"I'm sorry to hear that." His tone of voice was genuine, it was only then that it struck her how much her crew wanted her to be happy.  
She smiled again, this time a more real smile. "It's fine, I'm fine. Now don't you have somewhere to be?" Though she didn't mind talking to Tom, she didn't want this conversation leading to Chakotay.  
He nodded, said his farewell and headed back to the turbolift. Kathryn walked to her quarters, feeling deflated, was she really fine, so far she had failed in maintaining any kind of relationship. Would she ever find someone that wouldn't be doomed to her? Could she ever find her happiness?

=/\=

5 Weeks Later

The gas burned her nose, the back of her throat, as it filled her lungs, the computer giving her orders. "Captain Janeway, report to Engineering."  
She struggled for breath. "Not until you restore life-support and give me back control of my ship."  
The red flashing of Red Alert was disorienting, but being trapped behind the forcefield, she wasn't going anywhere.   
"Unable to comply."  
The computers voice was monotone, so calm, as though it wasn't about to murder her in cold blood. "Then we'll die here together. I'm guessing I've got about two more minutes and then you're on your own." She sank down to the floor, trying her hardest to keep her breathing steady, this couldn't be how it ends, being killed by her own ship, even if it was being held hostage by an alien being.  
"Captain Janeway, report to Engineering."  
"I told you. The only way I'm helping is if you return control of my ship."

 

Kathryn's eyes flew open with a startled, her breathing was heavy, though the dream wasn't what she would call a nightmare, it was enough to leave her feeling disturbed. She often had bad dreams about events that happened in their journey - Borg, Kazon, Hirogen... Borg - but this event had been anything like those encounters, this had ended on a happier note, with them finding the space being a new home. She yawned and threw back the covers, needing a source a peace, she got out of bed and walked to the living area. She hadn't put on his shirt to bed, like she did most nights after a bad couple of days, so she seeked out her other sercurity item. Stopping at the bookcase she took hold of what she was looking for, a small box, upon opening it revealing the pocket watch Chakotay had given her as a birthday present. She gently took it out the blue box, feeling it's weight in the palm of her hand, she wasn't sure why, but when she felt unsettled, tense, the watch seemed to call to her, bringing her peace, letting her collect her thoughts in her hectic life. She put the box back on the shelf and entwined the chain through her fingers, part of her wanted to go back to that night, back to when things weren't broken, part of her know she could never go back there, they could never go back there. Sighing, she returned the present back to its safe place, within the cushion that protected it, feeling slightly better than when she'd woken. Whatever happened she knew they'd always care for each other, that they'd be friends forever. That she'd always have the pocket watch to give her peace when he couldn't.


	31. Chapter 31

2 Weeks Later

Kathryn struggled to get comfortable in her chair, it'd been two days since she was allowed out of sickbay - again - after being assimilated by the Borg, though her back ached terribly from the spinal clamps they had put in. Chakotay sat opposite her, sipping his drink, eyeing her as she continued to fidget. They'd agreed to this weekly dinner, her wanting something normal, and his company after their latest run in with the Borg.  
"Sorry, my back is tensing up, the Doctor said it'll take a few weeks before it's completely better." She apologised, almost wanting to end the night so she could take a hot bath and get to bed, luckily they'd finished their dinner and was now sat with half empty glasses.  
Without a word Chakotay put down his glass, stood and moved behind her, his hands instantly finding her shoulders. She was surprised by his actions, but relaxed into his touch, closing her eyes, leaning back into him, the ache in her muscles slowly lifting.   
Then the memories came flooding back, New Earth, their first kiss, their first night together, the way his hands felt on her back then. The tension that had built up between them, she could feel that same tension building up inside of her now, the longing for him, her heart quickened, her breathing grew rapid. She froze.  
"Kathryn?" His voice was soft, clearly sensing the change in her.  
She slide out of her chair, rubbing her neck slightly. "That's much better thank you." It was replaying itself right before her, though this time, she couldn't feel the tension, the desire, in him.   
He smiled, it seemed somewhat of a sad smile, maybe he too was thinking of the same bittersweet memories. "Well, I should leave you to rest, it'll help your back."  
This time he was running away, but there wouldn't be any running back. "Of course, thank you."  
He nodded as he made his way to door, stopping and turning to face her. "Sleep well, Kathryn."  
"Yes, you too." With that he'd gone, when the doors were safely shut, Kathryn collapsed on to her sofa, burying her face in her hands, the memories of a perfect past combined with her fractured present all being too much for her. She sobbed, for the love lost, for the memories gone, asking herself why did she ever let herself get close to him in the first place.

3 Days Later

Kathryn stood in the transporter room, Chakotay and the Doctor either side of her, they'd found the twin boys species, so all the Borg children were leaving to start a new life on their planet. They'd already said goodbye to Rebi, Azan and Mezoti, now they were handing the baby girl over. The alien woman held her, stroking the baby's cheek. "Thank you Captain, I have spoken to my husband, and we would like to name her Kathryn, in your honour, in you saving her and giving her a new life."  
Kathryn felt her eyes water, as pride rushed through her. "Thank you, I.... I don't know what to say." She felt Chakotay rest his hand on her lower back, something he did either in a protective way or a reassuring one. "You too are also giving her new life, I'm glad she has a family."   
With exchanged smiles and farewells, the woman and baby disappeared as they were transported to their planet. The Doctor quickly left, Kathryn and Chakotay slowly made their way out of the room, into the corridor.   
"That must have been overwhelming for you." Chakotay commented, his hand still at her lower back as they headed to the turbolift.  
Kathryn smiled slightly. "It was very nice that they would want to name her after me."  
"That's not what I meant." His words brought her to a sudden stopped as she looked up at him, his hand was now pressed against her jacket. "It must have been overwhelming for you to say goodbye to her."  
It had been harder then she thought it would be to let the little girl go. She'd spent the morning with her in sickbay, making sure she had a bag of items prepared for her new home, including a blanket she'd managed to find time to knit, even spending hours up to this day sat in sickbay with her. Surely he didn't know that? "It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be." She lied.  
Chakotay looked at her, clearly seeing right through her lie. "Kathryn, I know you cared about that baby, it must hurt on some level."   
She shook her head. "I'm fine." She carried on walking, his hand sliding from her back. She almost wanted to cry, not just at saying goodbye to the girl she'd grown fond of, but at the fragile relationship she'd made worse by putting up her wall, guarding herself from the one person she trusted more then others.

Chakotay watched her slowly walked away, his hand dropping to his side, feeling slightly hurt. Ever since that night when they'd accidentally recreated New Earth she'd been distance to him, turning down his offer of breakfast this morning. And now this, though he thought that they'd moved on from each other, clearly she hadn't - maybe they hadn't. Of course there was still a part of him that wanted to be with her, he suspected that part would never go, no matter who he found in the future. But he wished she wouldn't just shut him out, that she could let him in without fear of overstepping boundaries if that's what she wanted. She stopped at the turbolift door and looked back at him.   
"Are you coming?"  
He nodded and caught up with her, maybe they were always going to be this way, pushing each other away, crawling back, only for it all to repeat itself. He hoped his next relationship faired better than this.


	32. Chapter 32

3 Months Before Voyager Leaves

Kathryn sat at the long rectangle table, watching her new husband talk to a group of people, whom he had introduced earlier as his coworkers from the academy, though she couldn't recall their names. The hall was packed with guests, friends, family, coworkers, Starfleet personnel. The wedding itself had been limited to a small amount of people, Kathryn's mum and sister, Marks parents and siblings, and a couple of close friends. After they had arrived in the hall, they had walked around the room together, receiving best wishes and congratulations and giving out thank yous. Now that the three course meal had finished, they talked to their little groups of friends separately before Kathryn decided to sit down, itching to take of her heels and rest her feet - she almost wished that she'd changed out of them before the party. The wedding had been perfect, in a small church, Admiral Paris had walked her down the aisle. Phoebe had done her hair, wearing it down with her veil clipped in. The party was being held in one of the halls in Starfleet Headquarters, arranged by Owen Paris, the head table, where she sat was for her, Mark, his parents and her mum and sister, other round tables were laid out for the other guests, white cloths covered them, with purple accessories, matching the rest of the decorations.   
She sat, smiling at the other guests, actually feeling happy, she'd been nervous, what with pressure from her job and Mark wanting children she'd scared herself into thinking this wouldn't be the happiest day of her life, but she was wrong. She just wished her father could have been there.  
"He's looking down on you, Kathryn, he's happy." Her mother slid into the chair beside her. Gretchen was a retired cooking teacher, and had helped with the menu, even making the 3 tier wedding cake herself. Her grey hair was pulled back into a bun, something she only did for special occasions, she was wearing a light blue skirt suit. She took hold of her daughters hand.  
Kathryn sighed, if it hadn't been her mum picking up on her thoughts, her sister would have. "I know." She looked at the sea of people, some now occupying the dance floor, Phoebe having lifted up Cody was dancing with him, her tiny bump just showing through her bridesmaids dress. Mark was now talking to Owen and his wife, no doubt about her upcoming mission and when he would expect his new wife back.   
"Are you happy?"  
Her mothers voice broke through, and she smiled at her. "Of course I am, I married the man I love." She reached under the table and slipped a shoe off, rubbing her foot she laughed. "Though I wouldn't mind getting out of these heels, my feet are killing me."   
Her mum smiled then asked. "Have you decided where you'll go for your honeymoon?"  
Kathryn pursed her lips, putting her shoe back on, the location had been something else they couldn't agree on, Mark wanting to go hiking and camping in Redwood Park, she wanted to rent a house by the beach. "We're still deciding, but it won't be until I get back from this mission Owen has me on, which should be soon." Her promotion ceremony was taking place in weeks time, she would be a Captain with her own Starship, then it'd be a case of waiting for the signal to leave. "Would you like a drink? I'm going to get myself a drink." She stood, ending the conversation before her mother could mention children, pushing back her chair she nodded at her mothers request of a pineapple and lemonade and walked over to the bar.

=/\=

4 Days Later

 

"Sorry, Ensign." Kathryn shifted as Ensign Brooks took a glass of fizzy orange from the counter in the mess hall. She'd been stood there, by the galley watching the crew, on one of their more special occasions: the celebration of Tom and B'Elannas wedding. She'd been the one to marry them, everyone in their dress uniform, a large buffet laid out, music playing, most of the crew crammed into the room. She smiled as she looked around, nodding to a few members, watching the newly weds pose for pictures whilst laughing with their guests. It almost made her miss Mark, miss what they had - what they could of had. She noticed Chakotay talking to Seven, she watched, happy that the former Borg looked relaxed, it was nice to see her talking to others, besides the Doctor.   
"Everything alright, captain?" Toms voice startled her.  
It was then she realised her mask had slipped, that her smiled had faded at watching them, that jealously was slowly wrapped itself around her heart, tightening with every beat. Correcting herself, she turned to the helmsman, smiling. "Of course. Shouldn't you be with your new bride?"   
"I wanted to come and talk to you, and she's gone to talk to other people." He nodded toward her former lover and Seven. "I wanted to thank you, for performing the ceremony."  
"It was my pleasure." She beamed. "I'm glad you and B'Elanna are happy together."   
"What about you? Are you happy?" He asked, folding his arms across his chest.  
"Happy as I'll ever be." Sadness slipped through her tone, she gave Chakotay one last glance, noting Seven had left the group and he was now alone with B'Elanna. "If you'll excuse me, I've got some work I need to do for tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your party."

 

Chakotay watched as Kathryn walked towards the exit of the room, B'Elannas eyes never leaving him. "I know."  
He almost hadn't heard what she'd said, playing it back in his mind, did she just say she knew. "I'm sorry?"   
"About you and the captain. Tom told me." Anger flashed across his face. "Don't be mad at him, he told me because he's worried about you both."  
"Oh?" She was right, he couldn't be mad at Tom, he'd kept it a secret for a long time, if anything he was surprised he hasn't told B'Elanna sooner.  
"He says you both still care for each other but are to stupid to do anything about it."  
He had to chuckle at the chose of words. "Kathryn and I separated ages ago, of course we care for one another, but we're not getting back together."  
"I wish you'd told me."   
"Tom only found out by accident; no one was suppose to know."   
There was a moments silence when she asked. "Why do you keep staring at her?"  
"Who?" He asked, confused.  
"Seven. Why do you keep staring at her?"  
His mouth dropped open, had he been doing that? Yes he found Seven attractive, but to be caught out by his oldest friend. "I wasn't." He lied.  
She pursed her lips. "Whatever Chakotay. Just don't go hurting Kathryn, I get a feeling she's not quite over you as you are her." With that the half-Klingon walked off, leaving him to ponder on her words.


	33. Chapter 33

4 Months Later

Chakotay stepped into the turbolift, directing it to the bridge, trying to sort out in his head what had happened. He was in engineering, something had hit him, then he woke in sickbay. But it wasn't his sickbay, the Doctor had no idea what a mobile emitter was, had he woken in a different timeline? He clutched at the medkit, before it suddenly vanished, he looked down at his hand where it'd been, when the turbolift doors opened.  
He walked out, the bridge was darken; they were at red alert. "Harry, what's going on?" As Harry passed by him.  
The young ensign looked confused. "Sir? I'm afraid I don't know you."  
Kathryn stood up from the captains chair, turning to face him, her hair was tied up in her bun, a style he hadn't seen her wear for years. Was the whole of the ship effected and not just sickbay? "Take him into custody." Two crew members pulled out their phasers as they flanked him. "How did you get aboard this ship?"  
Taken by surprise he couldn't help but say her name. "Kathryn?" Was this really happening? Was he dreaming? Surely he hadn't travelled back in time to when she didn't know him?  
"Oh, I didn't realise we were on a first name basis." She stopped at the steps to the upper part of bridge, watching him.  
A voice from beside him said. "We should've known the Maquis were involved."  
"Maquis? Involved in what?" Did they know about the temporal shift, where they blaming him somehow?  
"Just when we're about to chase your ship into the Badlands, our systems start malfunctioning and, you step off the turbolift." She stepped closer to him.  
It started to fall into place, somehow he'd gone back in time, the gravimetric surge they'd encounter must have caused a temporal rift, maybe that was what hit him. He had to reason with her. "Captain, I know this may be hard to believe but I think I've somehow been thrown seven years into Voyager's past."  
He could tell straight away she didn't believe him, but why should she, this Kathryn didn't know him, to her, he was a wanted criminal and she was sent to capture him. She folded her arms and frowned slightly. "Really? Let's try another theory. You learned Voyager had been assigned to capture you, and you managed to get on board to sabotage her."  
"Check your sensors. See if they're showing any strange temporal readings." He couldn't help but throw the suggestion over his shoulder toward Harry, who stood at the middle console.  
"Captain, the environmental controls are fluctuating." He reported.  
Kathryn stared at him, just a little longer before ordering the guards. "Take him to the brig." And walking passed him to stand with Harry.  
Two of the guards ushered him back into the turbolift, standing either side of him, phasers still at the ready. But like the medkit, they to disappeared half way into the journey. Chakotay halted the lift. He had to come up with a plan to get him back to his timeline. Maybe if he started at the point of original, where he got hit, he could figure out something from there. He changed the destination of the turbolift and ordered it to go to engineering instead.

A Couple Hours Later

Chakotay stood once again in the turbolift, heading back to the bridge. His trip to engineering had been less successful, the timeline being when Seska and the Kazon had taken over Voyager, he'd managed to escape them and make his way back to sickbay, which was two years into their journey. He'd spoke with the Doctor, informing him that the serum he gave him must have made him immune, that normal technology didn't pass through the barriers. The Doctor, on his request, replicated a chronoton-infused hypospray casing, so that he could get help 'putting the ship back together'. His heart pounded in his chest, he had no idea how this would play out, he didn't really have a plan, he'd have to go along with whatever she did, whatever she said, but he did know it'd take some convincing.   
"Captain."  
It was Harry's voice giving warning when he stepped onto the bridge, the ensign drawing his phaser from behind his station, Kathryn stood beside him. He noted that most of the bridge staff now had their phasers pointed toward him, Kathryn looked up at him, as she and Harry moved closer she asked. "Where are my officers?"  
"The turbolift passed through a temporal barrier. They couldn't get through. If you're willing to hear me out, I can explain. At least partly." He informed her, she'd stopped more than an arms length from him, Harry standing close to her, he phaser still in his hand.   
She scoffed slightly. "You mean about your being from the future." She sounded sceptical, of course she would be, he would have been if their roles had reversed.  
He had to convince her, had to make her see he was telling the truth. "Your first Starfleet posting was on the Al-Batani, where you once knocked out power to six decks by misaligning the positronic relays."  
She stepped closer still, her eyes narrowed. "Nice try, but you could have read that in a Maquis intelligence file."  
He glanced around, noting several phasers pointing in his direction, she was right, that wasn't exactly something personal, something that wouldn't be on record, he had to try again. "How's Molly, your Irish Setter?" He saw her face soften at the mention of her dog, it'd worked. "You rescued her from a pound on Taris Seti four. She was the runt of the litter, but you thought she had spunk. You love music, but you never learned to play an instrument. Something you still regret."  
"How do you know these things?" She asked, the harshness almost all gone from her voice.  
"Because you told me, about three years from now." The conversation to him seemed like only yesterday, they'd been sat in her quarters when the subject of pets can come up and she'd told him in more detail about the dog she'd left behind.  
Her eyes ran up and down over him, maybe making sure he didn't have a visible weapon, making just taking in this stranger. "My ready room." He almost let out a deep breath of relief at her agreement to talk, but that was just the first part of his mission, the second was now to inject her with the chronoton hypospray and fix the ship.

She now stood with a tricorder in her hand, running it over the hypospray, taking in its readings. "It's a fascinating story. But as the Ferengi say, a good lie is easier to believe than the truth."  
"So you're saying no one on your crew has encountered any of these temporal barriers?" It was a long shot, for all he knew no one had walked through a barrier, or at least not that she'd seen.  
"My helmsman disappeared when she tried to walk down that corridor, but that doesn't prove she passed through a temporal barrier." She'd motioned toward the door that lead out to corridor outside her ready room.   
He glanced over, trying to put together a plan. "If you inject yourself, I can take you down that corridor and show you everything I've said is true."  
She flipped the tricorder shut and placed it on her desk, talking to the crew member, Andrews, who'd been standing behind him. "Have Mister Kim run a full spectral analysis. For all I know, this is poison and Mister Chakotay is trying to assassinate me."  
She stretched out her arm, hypospray in hand, Chakotay saw his chance, he grabbed her wrist,, pulling her toward him. Taking the hypospray in one swift movement, with one arm wrapped tightly around her waist, trapping her arms, he pressed the hypo to her neck. "She's right. It's poison, and I'll use it." He backed them out through the door, into the corridor, they shuffled backwards until he was certain they were in front of the barrier, Andrews following.  
"Let her go." Andrews almost growled at him.  
There was no way Chakotay was going to do that, he pressed the hypo more against her neck and injected her, Kathryn let out a cry of surprise.   
"Captain!"   
Chakotay pulled her back through the barrier, disappearing from Andrews view, who taps his commbadge. "Andrews to the bridge. I need help here."  
"Andrews!" Kathryn called.  
"He can't hear you. We've moved into a different time frame." His face was right against her ear, he could smell her hair, he had to hold back from running a hand through it.  
Two other crew members came through the door, Andrews informed them. "Scan the area but don't go past that bulkhead."  
"You want more proof? It's right down that corridor. You just have to trust me." He tried not to sound frustrated with her, but he wanted to set things right, this was just wasting time.  
She turned her head towards him, her face now only inches from his. "It isn't easy when you're holding me hostage."  
He'd almost forgotten his arms still held her, he let her go, she rubbed the spot on her neck where he'd injected her. "Stay or go. it's your choice." She could go back to her bridge, go back to being captain of her time, he could do it without her, but the help would have been better.  
"Now that I'm inoculated, I can go anywhere on the ship I want?"  
"That's right."  
"Then I suppose I don't need you anymore." She started walking passed him, but he moved, so she walked into him instead.  
"Without me, you'll be walking into a future that you know nothing about." He watched as her eyes narrowed slightly, her jaw clenched, she knew he was right, and the feeling clearly didn't sit well with her. "There's a place we have to visit first. Are with me?"  
She nodded, it was strained, he could only hope that this Kathryn would come around to the idea of working along side him, as quickly as his Kathryn did.

 

A few hours later, Engineering

They'd done it, they had manage to inject all the Bioneural circuitry gel packs with the serum with the help of crew members from different timelines, now Chakotay and Kathryn stood alone in front of the warp core.  
"Mind if I ask you one last question?"  
Chakotay almost laughed at her asking, all she'd done was ask questions, most involved having to break the temporal prime directive to answer them. "Will I have to break the Temporal Prime Directive to answer it?"  
"Maybe, just a little." She clasped her fingers together, leaning on the barrier that surrounded the warp core, looking down at her hands. "For two people who started off as enemies, it seems we get to know each other pretty well. So I've been wondering. Just how close do we get?" She looked up at him, waiting for his reply.  
Chakotay thought about it, he could say they were just friends, he could tell her truth, it wasn't as though she'd remember. "We become very close, we fall in love. For about five years we were in a relationship."  
"Were? We broke up?" She seemed almost sadden by the thought.  
"Things happened, we'd change and decided it was for the best."   
She nodded, the asked a question he'd been dreading. "What about my husband?"  
Chakotay let a deep breath. "It's going to take us a long time to get home, and though you're doing your best, you knew deep down you won't see him again in this life. You moved on."  
Kathryn nodded again, this time with a slight smile, she extended her hand, to which he took hold, it felt like forever since they'd had any physical contact. "See you in the future."


	34. Chapter 34

2 Weeks Later

"I can't believe we're going to have another baby on Voyager." Kathryn commented as the engineering doors shut behind her and Chakotay, they strolled down the corridor, both smiling at Tom and B'Elannas happy news that they were to be parents.   
"I know, I was starting to think Naomi would be the only baby born on board." Chakotay replied.  
"Maybe this will pave the way for other couples to settle down and start families." When they reached the turbolift Kathryn pressed the button. "I'm sure I've got some wool left over from when Naomi was a baby, I'd better start knitting."  
Chakotay couldn't help but laugh. "Are you going to make a blanket for every child born on this ship?"  
Kathryn's smile only grew. "Are you feeling left out, Commander? I could make you one."  
Chakotays smiled faded slightly, though she was teasing him, she'd drawn a line by using his rank. "Maybe another time." He said, as the doors whooshed open and they entered the lift.

2 Months Before Voyager Leaves.

The living room in their mums house was decorated with balloons, a buffet laid out on the table, banners hung from the walls, all in neutral colours at Phoebes request, as she hadn't - and wasn't going to - found out the gender of the baby. Kathryn smiled as she looked around, it had taken her with help from her mum most of the morning to get the baby shower ready, with Phoebe supervising.   
Kathryn glanced at her sister, sitting on the sofa, they still had a while before guests arrived, studying the ever grown bump. "Are you sure you're not having twins? You're carrying a lot bigger than when you were expecting Cody."  
"I'm sure, it's either a big baby, or lots of water." Phoebe said, as she once again shifted to get comfy.  
Kathryn smiled, as she picked a cushion from a chair and sat beside her younger sister, placing it behind her back. "That should help."   
"Thank you." Phoebe sighed. "Being pregnant with Cody was never this hard. It was so nice, but this!" She gestured to her huge bump. "I'm only 5 months in and I want it over! I hate being sick, not being able to get comfy." Feeling frustrated she let out a deep breath, mixed with small growl.  
Kathryn got up and went to the table, where some presents had already been placed, ones posted by friends and family members who sent their apologies for not being able to attend. Picking up a small silver present she went back to the sofa, handing it to Phoebe. "Open it."  
Looking down at the gift, Phoebe tried handing it back. "I should wait -"  
"Open it, that's an order." Kathryn smiled.  
Phoebe carefully tore the silver paper, before discarding it on the floor and pulling out a knitted blanket, made up of pastel colours, suitable for a boy or a girl, similar to the one she'd made for Cody. "Oh Kathryn, its beautiful." Then she noticed a corner was missing. "What happened here?"   
"When the baby is born and has a name, I'll do a square to go here with their name inside."  
Resting the blanket on her lap, Phoebe twisted as best as she could and pull Kathryn in for a hug. "Thank you so much, I just know this is going to be the best gift we get, as you made it."   
Kathryn squeezed her sister back, before a flurry of movement from Phoebes bump made them jump and pull apart, laughing.


	35. Chapter 35

4 Months Later

Chakotay sat in Kathryn's quarters, there was an slightly eerie feeling to it, she'd hadn't stepped foot in it for the almost three weeks. He, Neelix and Harry had left on a mission, coming back to find the crew had gone, all bar the Doctor, who was trying his hardest to repair the damaged ship. They had drained the radiation, got life support back online and fixed Voyager, then they'd traced the crew life signs to a large city on a planet called Quarra, they were due to be there within the next few hours. He wanted to feel close to her, choosing to take some downtime and sit in her dimly lit room, it had changed since he'd first stepped in it, for their first meal; it felt like a lifetime ago. Gone were the pictures of Mark, instead there was a picture of the senior staff, the peace rose he'd given her stood in a glass vase, various items she'd collected from missions filled in gaps.  
He was worried, they're analysis of a weapons signature that had fired on Voyager not long after the crew left had matched a subspace mine, they could only conclude that it was a deliberate attempt to disable Voyager. But they couldn't understand why. He hoped finding the rest of the crew may answer some of these questions.  
He stood, walking over to her bookcase, smiling at the sand drawing he'd given her, when something caught his eye, tucked behind it was another photo frame. He carefully moved the sand drawing and pulled the frame out, inside it was a picture they'd taken on New Earth, in their casual clothes, smiling; a time when they were both happy. Though he knew everything was far from normal where Voyager was concerned, he couldn't wait to have everyone back, safely, and to see Kathryn again.

 

Two Days Later

Chakotay sat in the semi empty apartment that belonged to Kathryn, he'd ran into her earlier, in the local bar, she had been with another man - he hadn't paid much attention to his name - they had been celebrating her moving in with him. Now he sat, in the dark, his arm stinging from a phaser wound, her words running through his head. When they found the crew, none of them had any memory of Voyager, so him and Neelix beamed to the planet, and managed to get B'Elanna back to the ship. But now he had to lay low, until Harry and the Doctor could beam him out and they could work on a wider rescue mission. With the conversation restarting itself, he was startled when the doors opened and Kathryn walked in, leaving the door opened, she moved a box then bent down where she found the blood stained cloth he'd discarded on the floor.  
"Lights." She looked to her right, then over her left shoulder, where he'd was sat behind her, a phaser pointing in her direction. "What do you want?"  
He managed to stand up, and walked over to the door, pushing it shut with his foot. You told me you were moving out. I needed a place to hide." He moved over to the console on the wall, using the end of the phaser he turned the lights back off.  
"Jaffen knows where I am. He'll come looking for me." She informed him.  
He moved over to the steps leading to the upper sleeping area and sat down, the light from the windows shining down on him. "I'm hoping you won't tell him I'm here." He was trying to gauge her feelings, how she'd react, but this Kathryn was new, she was carefree, happy, she wasn't Voyagers captain, she wasn't his Kathryn. He found it somewhat amusing that within a few months he'd interacted with another Kathryn that didn't know him, even if this one was of his timeline.  
"They say you had something to do with the disappearance of a woman at the plant."   
"I did. Her name's B'Elanna. She was brought to this planet against her will. Something was done to her so she'd forget her real life."  
"And what, you helped her get home?" It was that same tone he'd heard from her alternate timeline self, suspicion, unbelieving.  
"That's right. There are other people in this city who I'm also trying to help. I'm not here to hurt anyone. You have to trust me."  
"You're pointing a weapon at me." She stated, reminding him even more of the Kathryn who didn't trust him when he was trying to help.  
He threw it down to the floor, hoping that she could see he meant no harm to her. "Go ahead, report me. But if you do, a lot of innocent people are going to suffer. All I'm asking for is a place to stay until my friends come back for me."  
She stared at him a moment, weighing up in her head his argument, then she gestured to his wound. "We're going to have to do something about that arm."

 

It was about an hour later when she return, with a medical instrument she'd stolen from the power distribution plant, Chakotay wasn't sure if he was grateful for her actions or shocked at them. She ran it over the wound. They were now sitting, him on a foot stall, her on a large square seat. "You need a doctor."  
"That'll have to wait till I'm back on Voyager." He noticed the device was primitive, if he had been on Voyager, the Doctor would have healed it by now.  
"Voyager?" It was strange to hear the word sound foreign from her, questioning her own ship.   
"My ship." He watched her, but her face was neutral as she continued to treat his arm.  
"You live onboard?"  
"For almost seven years."  
"Don't you ever want to stay in one place?"  
He smiled at the question, the Kathryn he knew wouldn't want to stay in one place, she wouldn't want to be grounded. After a moment of quite he said. "You seem happy here." It was an observation rather than a question.  
"I've got a good job." Her tone didn't changed, it was monotone, he would have though someone who enjoyed their work would be more excited to talk about it.   
"Ever consider doing something more challenging?"   
"My job's challenging enough." Focusing on the task at hand, the rather slow tending of his arm.  
"You monitor reactor coils, right? You're obviously a very capable woman. You could probably run that power plant." He watched her again with interest, how would this new Kathryn act to the idea of being in command.  
"Why would I want all that responsibility?" He could almost hear the scoff in her voice, it dawned on him, if they couldn't fix what had happened, get their memories back, he was going to loose her, there be no way this Kathryn would want to travel, she'd want to settle here with her stable job.... with Jaffen.  
Suddenly the sub-dermal communicator chirped three times, making them both jump slightly. "What's that?" She asked.   
"My people are trying to contact me." He held his left hand closer to his mouth and spoke. "Chakotay here."  
"Are you okay, Commander?" It was Harry's voice.  
Chakotay felt relief at hearing the Ensigns voice, they hadn't been destroyed or captured by the people on this planet, they were safe. "For the time being. Can you get me out of here?" He glanced up at Kathryn, she was watching him intensely.  
"No, sir. We're eight light years away."   
Chakotay frowned slightly, he was hoping to get back to Voyager, put together a rescue plan for the rest of the crew. "How are you transmitting this signal that far?"  
"We're using a triaxialating frequency on a covariant Subspace band. It was B'Elanna's idea." This time the Doctors voice came through.   
Chakotay watched as Kathryn expression changed to looking surprised. "I take it she's feeling better."  
"She's responded well to treatment." The Doctor informed him.  
Harry asked. "Have you located anyone else from the crew?"  
Looking straight at Kathryn, Chakotay replied. "As a matter of fact, I'm sitting with Captain Janeway right now." Her eyes widen more, she even backed a little away from him.  
"How is she?" Harry asked.  
"A little suspicious, just like B'Elanna was at first. How soon can you get back into transporter range?"   
"A couple more days to finish repairs. What about the shield grid?"   
"I have an idea how to shut it down." Chakotay informed them. "Until I get back to you, let's maintain comm. silence, just in case we're being monitored."  
"Understood. Good luck, Commander." Harry said, before the comm went dead.  
Kathryn stood, backing away from him. "Why did you call me captain?"  
"Because that's who you are." Chakotay stated, hoping she might sit back down and listen to him.  
"That's absurd." She spat back at him. "So what are you saying, that I was brought here by force too? That my memories were manipulated?"   
"I know it sounds strange." He started, but she cut him off.   
"Helping you was a mistake." Her tone was harsh, harsher than he'd ever heard it before, she headed towards the door.  
"Listen to me." He got up, crossed the room to stand in front of her. "There are more then a hundred members of Voyager's crew working at that power plant. Your crew. And when our ship gets here I'll be able to prove it to you. Look, I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to, but don't you at least want to know the truth? Let me prove who I am. Hand me that dermal regenerator."  
Though hesitated, she headed the instrument over and Chakotay walked to a mirror place by a window, Kathryn following. As he ran the dermal regenerator in front of his face, noticing her reflection behind him, the bony ridges vanished and his tattoo reappeared.   
"We're the same race." She gasped.  
He turned to face her, seeing mixed expressions on her face. "We're more than that. We're friends." He looked into her eyes, then a crazy idea ran through his mind, old Earth fairy tales always had a curse of some sort, broken by true loves kiss, what if it was real, what if it could break her curse. He placed his hands on her arms and pulled her to him, pressing his lips against hers, after a second it felt like she was responding to him, but then she pulled back, broke free from his grip. He watched as she stood in silence, her mouth and eyes wide open, he was hoping that maybe it had worked, that memories were flooding back to her, but after a 'excuse me,' she walked out of the room, leaving him feeling disappointed.

=/\=

 

Several Hours Later.

Kathryn sat in her Captains chair, Chakotay at her side, they'd managed to rescue the crew, and several other people who'd had their memories altered. The crew had responded well to the Doctors treatment and were heading back to their posts. She'd said a teary goodbye to Jaffen, she even consider offering him a place on Voyager, but he stayed behind, taking over the distribution plant, it hurt her, she'd cried when she'd hugged him farewell, wishing that he could stay. But she couldn't of had an open relationship with a member of her crew, and like all her previous relationships, it ended.  
She now sat with Chakotays question ringing in her ears, "Are you sorry I showed up?"  
Their kiss ran through her mind, she hadn't told him, and probably wouldn't, but something had happened when their lips had touched, something... magical. Memories had flashed before her, the offering of a pink rose, clasping hands, a pocket watch, so many different things that at the time she didn't know how to deal with it and left. Even though she'd called security, part of her had been convinced he'd been telling the truth, but she didn't want to give up Jaffen, she didn't want to give up happiness and love.  
When those memories, she looked him in the eye and replied. "Not for a second."


	36. Chapter 36

4 Months Later

 

'Seven of Nine is going to die.'   
The words echoed through Kathryn's mind as she sat in her darkened quarters, the events of the previous few days on replay. An older version of herself, an Admiral no less, had gone back in time, from 26 years in the future, and was now onboard Voyager, trying to encourage them to get home early, to avoid the loss of more of her crew. Wanting them to take a Borg hub back to the Alpha Quadrant, when Kathryn wanted to destroy it, bring down part of the Collective, but they'd would have to do it from here, in the Delta Quadrant as there were only exit apertures. She'd ordered Seven to find a way to destroy the hub, then took a walk with the Admiral, when she'd broken the temporal prime directive.   
'Die in the arms of her husband.'  
That had explained everything, why he'd been missing their dinners, maybe not avoiding her, but she certainly didn't feel as close to him as she used to. She hadn't even noticed they were dating, was before they'd been stranded on a planet together, or whilst they were there? She didn't want to think about it, it made her angry, angry that he hadn't told her, she'd always considered him one of her closest friends, why would he not tell her? She got up from her sofa and walked into her bedroom, opening her drawer she pulled out his shirt, burying her face in it, pretending she could still smell him, though the scent had long since faded. Then she sat cross legged on her bed, the playing with the fabric in her fingers, it didn't matter why he hadn't told her, he was happy and that's what should matter.   
That night she slept, holding his shirt, silent tears running down her cheeks. 

=/\=

7 Years Ago

Kathryn exited the turbolift, her heart pounding, though this wasn't her first time on Voyagers bridge, it was her first time as its Captain.   
"Captain on the bridge."   
She looked around at her crew, Ensign Kim at his station, her commander, Cavit, stood in front of his chair, Lieutenant Stadi at the helm, Paris stood at the back, his arms folded, she walked around to her chair, after she'd sat so did Cavit.   
"Lieutenant Stadi, lay in the course and clear our departure with operations." He instructed.  
She could hear comments being made back and forth between her commander and helmsmen, though she wasn't paying much attention she knew when to say, "engage."  
Voyager left dry dock, the view screen now showing Earth, Kathryn watched the planet, thinking about the people she was leaving for the next three weeks. She'd spent her last night, now two days ago, with Mark, they'd had a quite night in, he'd cooked a lovely meal, then they spent the rest of it in bed. She'd said goodbye to her mum and sister, reassuring Phoebe that she had plenty of time to get the baby's blanket knitted in the next three months before it was due. But as she watched Earth slowly get further away, something tightened in her chest, a feeling she'd rarely felt, almost warning her.  
Fear.

=/\=

The plan had worked, though they'd lost the Admiral in the process, but her sacrifice had not been meaningless, she'd helped get them home. Home. They were actually home, Kathryn had promised to get them back and with the help of her future self she'd done that. She sat in her Captains chair, Chakotay sat at the helm, Tom having gone to sickbay to see his newborn, the sight on the viewscreen was one to behold; Earth, and escorting them, a fleet of Starfleets finest ships. Her heart pounded as she told Chakotay to set a course for home, she watched as he tapped buttons, setting them on the way back home. She wondered what the future would hold for them now, what would happen to the crew, what would Starfleet want to do with her... what would Chakotay do now? Though she'd promised to get Voyager back, she never thought it possible, not in her lifetime, then the Admiral turned up, and she was willing to spend another 26 years in the Delta Quadrant if it meant crippling the Borg, but they'd done both, destroying the hub and getting them back safely. She knew things would have changed in the seven years they'd been away, she was excited at seeing her family, and nervous. She couldn't help but feel overwhelmed, that feeling slowly tightening around her chest once more.  
What would happen now?


End file.
